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Upset and Blah! :(

Oct 20, 2011 - 6 comments

Ugh I am by no means making this a "ooh might be a sign of being pregnant".  I know better than that now, but Ugh..I'm so super upset and emotional.  I've got so much going on in my life it's unreal and hard to focus on.  I've worked in my dads business since I was 19.  I don't get a weekly check of course but he pays me cash.  Sometimes I do their bookkeeping, answering phones but most of the time I'm a laborer.  He does footings, french drains, etc. etc.  Alot of manual labor stuff.  I use a shovel, that's my tool!  So anyways, after all these years of shoveling it's taking a huge toll on my lower back.  I already have a really bad AF.  I'm in bed for about 3 or 4 days, praying to god that something knocks me out so I don't hurt anymore.  I hurt so bad I throw up, pass out, I can't wear clothes hardly at all, I do'nt even like the covers touching my lower stomach during that time.  So after all the years of killing myself by helping my dad I'm trying to find a "regular" job.  I LOVE secreterial work.  I love filing, answering phones and all that stuff.  I'd LOVE to get in with the hospital or a dr.'s office.  I WANT better insurance.  I have insurance but I only got it because I knew with my problems with AF I'd have to see a dr. about it and it would be expensive.  So I got the BCBS Individual blue and it paid for my surgeries and dr. visits but pays nothing for infertility.   So trying to find a new/better job and hubby is doing the same.  His work offers nothing. :(  He makes good money but no benefits what so ever.  We're both trying to make a change.  Then we're going to buy or build a house.  
The next thing is I'm soo depressed about not getting pregnant.  I know I can't hardly do anymore about it because it's SO freakin expensive.  I cannot afford IVF, when and if we get our jobs, WITH the better insurance I'm slapping hubby if he does not go for a SA.  That's it, I'm done!!  I'm going to go off on him!!!  

So last night I cried myself to sleep (again).  I miss my lil Sadie soo much.  I had her for 10 years and lost her unexpectedly.  She had Cushings Disease and by the time I seen something was wrong and took her to the vet, they did all this blood work and stuff and he told me that "usually with cushings they don't show signs until it's to late".  I lost her 2 months later. SO it's been a lil over a year and I cry for her,  all the time.  She IS/WAS my baby.  I miss her laying up on the couch with me, I miss her laying in the bed with me. I miss holding and petting her.  I miss seeing the way her little face lit up when I'd say " wanna go bye bye?" and she'd dance going across the floor to the door.  I have 3 more dogs and I'm SUPER close to Boogie too.  He's my boxer/bulldog.  It's going to kill me if and when something happens to him.  I can't help but get soo attached to them. I LOVE all kinds of animals and I get picked on by my family and they'll say " you need to work for PETA".  I love saving them, feeding them and showing them love.   I'll call the humane society on people if it's freezing and their dogs are laying out in the cold, I'll call if I see they're starving.  I stop and pick up turtles and take them to the other side of the road.  I can't help but do it!!  SOOO I'm just really in a funk.  I do miss her though.  I cried all night and I can't help it. I hope we get pregnant soon, because IF not I'll have about 3 more dogs.  I'm actually trying to find a boxer or boxer/bulldog to breed boogie with.  I'd LOVE to have a pup from him.  He's SUCH a wonderful dog.  Well I've got myself crying again, so I'm going to go wash my face!  It's nice to be able to write this all down and get it out.

This IS never ending. :(
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1571146 tn?1399909692
by Moma_Cher, Oct 20, 2011
Boy, I can relate on so many levels! Looks like we will be cycle buddies...

My cramps are so bad the first 3 days I practically OD on ibuprofen. Other ladies say things like "oh yeah, I get bad cramps too, it's normal" and I'm like thinking shut the [email protected] up, lol. It ***** sooooo bad. I usually go MIA for those days but trying to keep myself from getting too down.

Sorry bout your baby doggie. I can only imagine how u feel. My "baby" is my world and I would die if anything happened to him. He is a tiny lil chihuahua (one of five I have!) and I just LOVE him to bits. We have three generations in our home, him being the newest. It's kinda morbid but I'm always worried about him dying... I don't hardly let anyone hold him especially kids cos I fear he will be dropped and get hurt/killed. We had some near misses early on in his life... His mom has c section and he was the only one who made it. I had to tube feed him for a bit and bottle feed him! He really is like my furry "special" child lol.

I hope you get a new job cos back pain is no joke (yea, got that too). Hopefully you will find something that suits you perfectly! Something in the medical field. Get hubby in for SA and start iui/ivf. You will get there, it's just no fun getting  negative after negative hpts.... I know. Just don't give up! You are so young and such a kind person. You're gonna make a GREAT mom!! Hang in there!
Xoxoxo,

Cher

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Oct 20, 2011
Oh my gosh, yes!  I am, I'm trying to find anything to knock myself out with.  Benedryl usually does the job!  I'd rather sleep through it because NOTHING I take helps. Do you have anything that gives you relief?  Hot baths don't help nor do heating pads or anything like that.  It *****!

Thanks so much, I know what you mean. I'm that way with mine as well, I'll sit there looking at them and thinking " I'm running out of time, you'll be gone before I know it". Mine are getting older.  Boogie is 9 :(.  I'd be cautious too!!  Sadie was a chihuahua mix. :D  They'll always be our "babies", no matter how many real children we have.  Animals hold a special place in our hearts!  

Thanks soo much for your kind words.  I guess that's all we can do, is not give up. I don't ever test anymore. I hate seeing it, I get my "negative" when AF shows her ugly self.  That's depressing enough.  In time I know things will pick up...just in a funk today.  

Thank you again!!  So sorry about AF, I hope you get some relief!!  Big hugs!!

Des

1105753 tn?1374287348
by mjmom69, Oct 20, 2011
I'm so sorry your feeling bad. I hope things get better for you.
(I do the same thing with turtles in the road!)

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Oct 20, 2011
Thanks so much mjmom.  I love getting turtles out of the road.  I stopped traffic once doing this and when I got the turtle to the side that he was heading towards, he turned around and headed back the other way :|.  I never got so many dirty looks in my life but I didn't care. Lol.

1571146 tn?1399909692
by Moma_Cher, Oct 20, 2011
So I thought u got af today but saw ur still on 10dpo! Sending you best wishes that this is your cycle ;0)

I'm on cd1.... DYING right now of pain and just generally feeling like crap. The only thing making it bearable is 800 mg of motrin (ibuprofen) every four hours. Problem is it blows a hole in my gut so im taking tums all the time to try and coat the stomache. Ugh.

Sending u positive vibes that af will stay away from u!! She is one brutal biatch!

Btw, did they remove ur endo when they did the lap? I'm trying to get my dr to do one since I've got all the symptoms.

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Oct 20, 2011
Aww so sorry Cher.  Yeah they did.  They also removed a polyp in the middle of my uterus( I had alot of midcycle bleeding and after sex) and they found a cyst on my fallopian tube. So they got it all while they were in there. They did a hysteroscopy at the same time to remove the polyp.  I felt pretty good until about 4 months after my surgery then my pain started coming back a little at a time until it's like it was before surgery again. :(  My aunt had to have a hysterectomy when she was 19 because of Endo.  I heard it can come back fast.  ***** you can't get rid of it completely. :(   I hope your dr.goes in there, see what's going on!!  

Yeah my AF comment was from like 3 cycles ago. LOL.  Sorry about that.  I'm 10 dpo but I"m at that " AF is going to show, no sense in getting my hopes up" emotional roller coaster. It *****!  Anyways, Thank you for the wishes!!  I hope you get some "GOOD" rest hun!!  Af IS a biatch!!  

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