Ugh I am by no means making this a "ooh might be a sign of being pregnant". I know better than that now, but Ugh..I'm so super upset and emotional. I've got so much going on in my life it's unreal and hard to focus on. I've worked in my dads business since I was 19. I don't get a weekly check of course but he pays me cash. Sometimes I do their bookkeeping, answering phones but most of the time I'm a laborer. He does footings, french drains, etc. etc. Alot of manual labor stuff. I use a shovel, that's my tool! So anyways, after all these years of shoveling it's taking a huge toll on my lower back. I already have a really bad AF. I'm in bed for about 3 or 4 days, praying to god that something knocks me out so I don't hurt anymore. I hurt so bad I throw up, pass out, I can't wear clothes hardly at all, I do'nt even like the covers touching my lower stomach during that time. So after all the years of killing myself by helping my dad I'm trying to find a "regular" job. I LOVE secreterial work. I love filing, answering phones and all that stuff. I'd LOVE to get in with the hospital or a dr.'s office. I WANT better insurance. I have insurance but I only got it because I knew with my problems with AF I'd have to see a dr. about it and it would be expensive. So I got the BCBS Individual blue and it paid for my surgeries and dr. visits but pays nothing for infertility. So trying to find a new/better job and hubby is doing the same. His work offers nothing. :( He makes good money but no benefits what so ever. We're both trying to make a change. Then we're going to buy or build a house.
The next thing is I'm soo depressed about not getting pregnant. I know I can't hardly do anymore about it because it's SO freakin expensive. I cannot afford IVF, when and if we get our jobs, WITH the better insurance I'm slapping hubby if he does not go for a SA. That's it, I'm done!! I'm going to go off on him!!!
So last night I cried myself to sleep (again). I miss my lil Sadie soo much. I had her for 10 years and lost her unexpectedly. She had Cushings Disease and by the time I seen something was wrong and took her to the vet, they did all this blood work and stuff and he told me that "usually with cushings they don't show signs until it's to late". I lost her 2 months later. SO it's been a lil over a year and I cry for her, all the time. She IS/WAS my baby. I miss her laying up on the couch with me, I miss her laying in the bed with me. I miss holding and petting her. I miss seeing the way her little face lit up when I'd say " wanna go bye bye?" and she'd dance going across the floor to the door. I have 3 more dogs and I'm SUPER close to Boogie too. He's my boxer/bulldog. It's going to kill me if and when something happens to him. I can't help but get soo attached to them. I LOVE all kinds of animals and I get picked on by my family and they'll say " you need to work for PETA". I love saving them, feeding them and showing them love. I'll call the humane society on people if it's freezing and their dogs are laying out in the cold, I'll call if I see they're starving. I stop and pick up turtles and take them to the other side of the road. I can't help but do it!! SOOO I'm just really in a funk. I do miss her though. I cried all night and I can't help it. I hope we get pregnant soon, because IF not I'll have about 3 more dogs. I'm actually trying to find a boxer or boxer/bulldog to breed boogie with. I'd LOVE to have a pup from him. He's SUCH a wonderful dog. Well I've got myself crying again, so I'm going to go wash my face! It's nice to be able to write this all down and get it out.
This IS never ending. :(