All Journal Entries Journals

reality?

Dec 12, 2011 - 1 comments
Tags:

reality

,

scared

,

stress

,

nervous



I I sit back and ask myself, 'what the hell am I doing sitting up here at 2AM in the morning writing and reading on this website?' What the hell is happening to my life? Everything is crumbling down and there is nothing more I can do about it. So, I sit back and realize what exactly I am doing and I find  myself on hear seeking out another individual that has the ability to almost completely understand me. That sometimes on these late nights, I really am not talking just to  myself but another human being hears me and even cares. I have to quit using for my DUII evaluation that is on the 27th. I have to quit meth and pot which I consume all day every day. I admit ( on here but to no one else) that I do abuse drugs and am an addict even though you will hear me deny it to people. I have to, fit it and not be a druggy. I am not, always have been and i know damn well I always will be. I also know I need to stay on my medication which I have not been doing.The bankruptcy is ******, they may repo my car, my ex is out to kill me and I have to get a restraining order, my family drives me nuts, both adoptive and biological, the new boyfriend is a scary fast commitment that I have no clue as to rather or not I am raedy for it all and the permemant move to a new place. I owe my attorney a **** load on the DUII. Unemployment is garnishing everything for thousands they say I owe, hospital bill is now at several grand, I have no licience, I'm really hungry, barely hanging on to a job that makes me want to shot myself (wiping *** for a living) only to run around like the kid with a helment on running in circles in a padded room. Weed is my medicine. It is my means to function and think. It is a savior to my life, my whole-being, the magic cure. I don't even want to think about what i will be like when I do quit. I am so nervous. **** my life, gosh, I thought being a drug dealing couple would be exciting. Nah, now just fronted out bags that never got paid for and end up using most of the other amount that was fronted to us. All we got out of it...added ******* stress about who is where and money getting there and dope quality this and that, on and on and **** gets old. I want to live a low stress life. I keep just going with the flow. I am one scared little kid on the verge of insanity high at 2AM lost in thought.
Please...

Comments
Post a Comment
1814148 tn?1332485798
by rnangel, Dec 12, 2011
I suppose you are sitting up at 2am because you are overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings. You likely visit this site because it grounds you more than anything else can at this point in your life. When we use, we easily disconnect from planet earth and the mind eventually craves a dose of reality.

I know all too well of not wanting to share with the world that I'm an addict. The most important thing is that you are honest with yourself. I'm so glad you found your way here. We will never judge you and although it seems like we are tough on you...it's only because we DO understand and care about what happens to you. So visit often and spill your guts girl lol. I only hope to provide you with some info that helps you to make informed decisons and conscious choices.

As far as financial stuff goes, just take a deep breath and know that it is what it is. If you have no control over it then let it go. Maybe write a list of things that you can change and things you can't. This may help you to prioritze where you should be putting your emotional energy. When everything feels like it is 'crumbling down' it's easy to think that we have lost control of changing it. Don't fool yourself into thinking that your situation is hopeless. Only conscious choice will determine how things move forward...and in which direction. You have alot of power over your life. Sure some consequences of your actions are happening now. When we are in active addicition, we **** up continually. We make poor choices because we are high. We live dangerously because we are high. We gravitate to harmful people because we are high. What can I say...the only way to feel safe and secure to dedicate our lives to sobriety. I don't sense you are there yet by choice. I'm deeply concerned that all this using and fronting will back you in a corner with nowhere to run and hide. You are now connected with the dealer and are now on the hook for the consequences of his choices. The drug world is so unforgiving. I know you know this so enough said.

You must feel angry and bitter to have to quit because of the DUI evalutation. Once I HAD to go to rehab. I was pissed about it. I learned nothing really. My desire to change did not happen until I relapsed a year later and sought help myself. Nobody or anything can force your hand in changing. I hope you get there soon. I want so badly to see you make it.

Past experience tells you that you need take your medication and I hope you can get on track with it asap. Our perceptions and reactions to stress are amplified when we are not consistent with taking meds that we know are helpful to us. I know smoking weed is a far cry from shooting dope but we still have to acknowledge the impact it has on emotional health. I was a chronic pothead for years. When I smoked, I tended to overanaylyze and stress about everything. To the point that it was not relaxing anymore and actually caused full blown anxiety attacks. I'm not sure which particular diagnosis you are managing but I can tell you when you don't take medication and decompensate to the point of hospitalization you will not return to the previous level of functioning. A rollercoaster ride with meds leads to less and less emotional reserve. So please keep your meds a priority. Please.

Allow your tender heart to forgive and move past your imperfections. We ALL have them. I just wanted to drop in and say hello. Of course I had to put in my thoughts LOL. I hear everything your saying, I really do. Take care of yourself and strive for a peaceful heart. Only you know what that looks like.

Heartfelt hugs and Peace,
RNangel

Post a Comment