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Latest update on my sad situation

Oct 15, 2008 - 5 comments










Another joint counselling session today, and I've had a solo session (with a different counsellor) in the mean time.

As I predicted, I had been vaguely sliding back towards hoping and wanting our relationship to revive, and this counselling session was a reminder that it is not going to.  But I hadn't slid so far, and the news that it isn't going to revive was neither such a revelation nor so hard to take this time.  So maybe, hopefully, each cycle will get smaller and smaller until the news has truly sunk in and been accepted.

During my solo counselling session I reached a decision I'd been struggling with for a few days - whether or not to move out.  There were huge drawbacks and issues with either option, and, looked at isolation, I'd have said "no way" to each option.  But faced with two "no way" options, I had to pick one of them, and I chose to stay in the family home.  I decided this (I hope) for the right reasons - primarily so I can continue to be a full-time father to my children (which with the best will in the world, and limitless co-operation from my wife, could never fully happen if I moved out), and also financial - we've struggled to support one household of five on a single salary (we both agreed my wife shouldn't work while the children were young), but it would be much harder to finance a second home as well; if I could it would be a small flat with nowhere for the kids to sleep over if they were going to stay the night with me ever.

It will no doubt be harder for us to move on while we share a roof - for both of us, but probably more for me than for her, initially at least.  I still love her very much, and it will be hard to let that go while I still spend time with her every day.  But I have to try to do that; I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't at least try.  My wife is prepared to work with me on this.  We agreed during todays counselling session that our relationship doesn't fit any normal definitions, if I stay in the house - we are neither husband and wife, nor completely separated and unconnected couple, nor sinple housemates.  So, we have to define a new relationship that works for both of us as best as possible, without too much reference to fitting us into some standard pigeon-hole.  There's going to have to be some negotiation there, particularly on the subject of honesty and open-ness, but we are going to work separately on what topics need to be defined, then start to go through them together at our next counselling session.

On the subject of honesty and open-ness, I insisted that if she was going away to spend the weekend with someone, I'd rather she told me, than lie to me and have me suspect and believe that she was doing something behind my back and lying to me about it.  She was reluctant, on the basis that, since we were separated it was none of my business, that it was 'loaded' information (not neutral information like telling me she was off to see an old schoolfriend or something), and that it was bound to upset me and she didn't want to be sharing a house with someone who was upset and angry and depressed, or to have to have a big emotional conversation with me about it every time.  Nevertheless, she did tell me that she was planning to go away for the night the weekend after next (just after we get back from a family holiday), she's going to visit her grandfather but also going to spend the night with some guy.

Well, I guessed I asked for it, and she gave it to me.  It hurts like hell, but she has declared in no uncertain terms that our relationship is over, so she is free to do what she wants, when she wants, with whom she wants.  And, despite the hurt, I still feel that I'd prefer that she told me than not, even when faced with the reality of it actually happening.  I'm just going to have to come to terms with it and get used to it, as hard as that is to do.

Even if I was living separately, I'd still know when she was going away for the weekend, because she'd be getting me to look after the kids while she was away.  Would it hurt any less under those circumstances?  I don't know.

Enough wittering on for now.  There's no real question here for anyone, but if anyone wants to make any comment they are welcome to.  I really just needed an outlet to get all this stuff out, plus I guess some of the regulars on this forum may be curious as to what is going on.

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by mami1323, Oct 15, 2008
I'm sorry you are going through this.  Hopefully with counseling it will get easier.  I do have one question for you, what about your life?  Why do you not have any free time to go on dates or not even dates but to go out and enjoy yourself?  Why is it you are left with the kids every weekend and she gets to go out?  I think you need some free time as well.  Another question and I guess when the time comes you will have to work through it but what happens if you start dating someone else?  Wouldn't they be a little uncomfortable knowing you are sharing a house with your ex?  I guess I'm just playing devil's advocate here.  I want you to know that I wish the best for you.

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by Lance06, Oct 15, 2008
I just wanted to comment that you are a very strong person. It is going to hurt for quite some time and I cannot imagine what you are going through. I think that it is better that she is honest and tells you however, this way hearing it may make it easier for you to accept things and move on with your own life. I think it may be a bit easier living separately, but if is whatever works best for you and your life, and of course your children.
Keep your head up. God only hands you what you can in fact will get easier....with time.

Avatar universal
by sammy73, Oct 15, 2008
We both get free time when we need it - we are about even on that, and there's plenty of give and take on both sides.  She's not away every weekend, only one weekend every month or two.  Once a week or so she'll go out, or go to dinner with one of her friends.  I'm into rowing, and spend an evening or two a week training and occasional weekends away at regattas and races, as well as joining in with the social side of the rowing club.  So I get as much "me" time as I want, and could easily take more if I wanted it.

You are quite right, I think still living in the same house as my ex could be a big hinderance should I start dating again.  I can quite see that, from the other side, if I was a single person I would be VERY wary of dating a woman still living with a man who she was supposedly separated from.  Too much baggage, too many unresolved emotional ties.  Frankly, I am so far away now from envisaging dating again, that this isn't really bothering me - I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.  I don't know about my wife, I don't believe she is at all interested in pursuing another serious relationship for the time being, and the current situation is no hinderance to her "weekends away" it would seem, so me being around isn't a problem for her.  (Why am I talking about what she wants at all?  Well, it's relevant, because we still do things by agreement and negotiation, not by threats or ultimatum, so if she wasn't prepared to try living in the same house I would go.)

How long we will stay in the same house I don't know.  My wife seems pretty sure that the situation will not last "for ever", and by that she's meaning not for the next 15 years until our youngest is 18.  So I guess at some point I do move out, and that hinderance to dating will not be there any more.  When that time will come I don't know.  I want to be there full-time for the kids for as long as we can make it work.  Maybe the time will come when she returns to work and living in separate houses is more affordable.

Avatar universal
by cowgirlnerd, Oct 30, 2008

I hadn't been keeping up with what was going on with you and thought of it today.  I am sorry you are having a hard time.  You are very strong, and I commend you for your dedication.  I hope you will remember to take time for yourself, enjoy your children and continue to be a model for all of us parents.


Avatar universal
by sammy73, Oct 30, 2008
Thanks Racheal,

It's not easy doing things this way, and there are times when I wonder whether I should just walk out of here.  But I know it is best for my kids for me to stay with them for as long as it remains possible.  I don't expect this to last until they are all grown up, there's no way this situation can survive for 15 years, but I'm going to try to make it last as long as both me and my wife can make it.

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