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Feb 07, 2012 - 2 comments

ex boyfriend




Borderline Personality Disorder


Suicide and suicidal behavior





Last night I told the first person other than my immediate family and now ex-boyfriend about my attempted suicide and resulting Borderline/Depression diagnosis. The guy I told is my next door neighbor, who I am just now getting to know. We were studying together for a class which he have a test in soon. Suddenly depression came up, and I told him, without even really meaning to. I've been *so desperate* to tell somebody about these things.

My parents are trying so hard to understand and cope with the fact that they have a daughter "like me." My mom has had depression issues in the past, and had I guess multiple suicide attempts (I just found this out, but not many details.) I know she went to counseling for a while, but has never been on meds. Her mom (my grandma) has had depression for years and has worked her way up to a huge dose of antidepressants. My dad is taking it really hard. I can feel that he's incredibly disappointed in me, but also feels some sorrow that I turned out so much like my mom. She was my age when her serious depression started. My mom gives me hope that maybe I'll get through this.

My recently ex-boyfriend is not coping well either. We broke up just before my attempted suicide. I did it, in hopes that he wouldn't have to tell people that he had a girlfriend that killed herself. He was the one that found me, puking my guts out and hardly able to breathe, and took me to the ER and in effect saved my life. But since then (we live together) home life has been awful. He spends most of the day away and the time that he is here he spends almost exclusively on Starcraft (online muti-player video game).

I need his attention now more than ever, since I'm trying to deal with the fact that I was diagnosed with a personality disorder. The thoughts of self-hatred and acts of self-harm have just been MORE frequent. And I've had thoughts of more effective suicide more than once. He has gotten to where he blames me for everything, and is trying to distance himself more and more from me, letting me know at times how "crazy and insane" I am, but sometimes just holding me and being soothing and sweet until I calm down. He's gotten depressed and cranky, and even in my friendliest moments, he snaps at me. But then sometimes he will just kiss my forehead for no reason. He now goes to counseling too, to "deal with me."

Now that I told my neighbor, Sam, about my life, I feel so relieved but yet so terrified. He has had depressed times before and sought counseling. His roommate is on some kind of antidepressant, for some "issues" that he didn't feel like he should share. But ever since last night, he's all I can think about. He's somewhat good-looking, shorter like me, fairly nice body type and wears thickly rimmed glasses, gauged ear-rings, a lip piercing, tongue piercing, and skinny jeans and other fairly hipster clothes. He smokes a lot. So really, he's not my type for the most part, but for some reason I just can't stop thinking about him, wondering what he's doing just one house away from me. He made an effort, even after I told him about the suicide and BPD that we should hang out and he'd invite me to parties and whatnot. I'm scared of what my feelings for him are (I know that nothing romantic should happen here. It's just bad news.) and I'm scared of what feelings he might have for me. Hopefully that's just an overly confident statement my pride is giving me and my heart is confirming because I'm so lonely.

I'm not sure about anything, just lost and scared and feeling like the whole world could collapse at any moment. I can't focus, I just bury everything so deep inside and then just come home and have fits and cry for hours, and then wake up and do it all over again.

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by mejohan, Mar 04, 2012
Oh hun, I feel like adopting you right now. If you in any way find this inappropriate, I will stick to very medical questions, etc.., but I feel like I can be there for you in this. I have a strong history of mental illness on my dad's side and in my early-late teen years I experienced a lot of what it sounds like you're going through. And believe me, I KNOW what it's like to just want to smash everything in hysterics and tears and then burst into a million pieces anbd disintegrate because it's all too much to handle. But believe me when i tell you this. If a normal healthy person had five minutes of what you're going through they would s**t their pants and go catatonic afterwords. No one ever says this enough but those of us who deal with mental illness and chemical imbalances have to be so much stronger than everyone else because we have to work a hell of a lot harder to do everyday basic things. i.e. a couple weeks ago i had a bad reaction to abilify and after three hours of self-talk i made myself march to the bathroom to put on eyeliner to go to my Dr';s apt. my hands were shaking so badly I had to hold my right hand with my left and leverage my elbow onto the counter. It took me ten minutes lol :)

Also, i don't know if it's like this for you, but for a particular class are you able to say mmmm i think i feel like getting a B in this class so I'll just get a B and if you feel like reading a little more thoroughly you might go for an A?

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by wandering_child, Mar 05, 2012
Yeah I definitely hear you on the eyeliner thing! Not that exact example, but similar things. Ooooh yes. So many days it is a struggle just to do the "normal" things. Not to mention that the depression makes my energy level somewhere around -30%.

Thank you so much for the advice. It's really nice to have somebody out there who knows how it is and to say sweet things and advice. Having so little self-esteem, every little boost from somebody else means so much. But it's the same with put-downs except much more so. Ah, the eternal quandary of the the black-and-white thinking. The "angels and demons". If you haven't heard, these are terms they use for the way those with BPD tend to categorize their thoughts, and as much as I dislike labeling myself, they're pretty spot-on for me. Enough of that though. Thanks again so much, and don't feel like a creeper. Because I've shared with virtually nobody in my daily life, the care and attention is very welcome. :) I'm right there with you.

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