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Oct 17, 2008 - 1 comments
Tags:

Depression

,

Bipolar

,

Topamax

,

frontoparietal

,

gastric bypass

,

ADD

,

Addiction



so, this is my first entry.... its friday night, chol hamoed succos.... i used to be observant (for about 3 years, by myself and by my choice).  Im not anymore though... its lonely by yourself, and I guess I've been too angry at g-d (although thats not to say i dont believe in him as much as i ever did).

i wasnt happy when i was fat, and i thought that being skinny would do it.  SURPRISE, it didnt!!!!
so then, like i did when i was fat, i would binge drink every saturday night and wake up all sweaty and guilty for doing so.

then last year, around this time ( 14 months out of surgery ) my drug addicted father decided to pop back into my life (well go into the reasons later) and gave me my first taste of 1/2 a roxycodone.... well, take it from there

I've always been clinically depressed, and no anti-depressent EVER worked like that...
but the honeymoon was short lived... and once my father lost his doc.and i lost my pills.... (december 2007 of sometime) i found a new dealer.  The guy renting out space in our office, how convenient!!!!  We were all doing it... mom, sis and me.  But, they had no  idea that when extra went missing, it was me!  I would store like a squirrel,just incase i ran out....

It didnt matter what it was....percocet, vicodin (although i didnt really like those), oxycodone (way to strong at the time...I would break them in tiny peices, or just nibble at them throughout the day)....Lord KNOWS how much $$$ i spent on these....

I guess I cant talk about anyone else in my family...but we all had our addiction with pain killers in our own way...

Although,my first thought in the morning would be... gotta pop my first 2 or 3 now... almost like your first cup of coffee...

Long story short (although im sure ill elaborate later) I found a boyfriend who would take like 4 to 6 10/325 a day and bring me a couple starting in Jan. of 08 (although we started  dating in Nov., might I add we smoked weed EVERY night together). I finally had a breakdown, broke up with him using drugs and "working on myself" as the reason and thought i could stop.

I was wrong, It only got worse.... I was buying atleast 30 roxys a week, not that i had all of them, again i stored...
but while i thought no one knew, they were killing every relationship i had.... ruining my business... (which i might add is owned by myself, mother and sister) and i was stealing cash deposits to give to the dealers....

Well, the break up killllled me and made it all worse, in February of 2008 i went to a psychiatrist with my mother and broke down and told her everything... including that i lost my virginity to my ex (which, btw, i was waiting till marriage...but pills make u think all is ok!!) and was put on topamax for bi-polar (which i dont believe I am, and caused me to have every side effect... fall, break my nose, tooth and so on in June of 08) bringing me back to percocet yet again... sick isnt it, before wondering if my face was still there the first thought to go through my head was "OMG, there gonna have to give me pain pills"

An addiction started again for at bit, not large... about 8 percs a day... and soon ended....

and now here i am... still on cymbalta for depression, klonopin ( totally too low of a dose), and adderall for my add!!!

not a day goes by that I am not miserable, wishing for a pain killer.....

when i broke up with my boyfriend i had actually gained 10lbs to 187, im assuming the weed and the pain killer mix made food just delicous....

i quickly lost 25lbs (1month) after the breakup....

however, now i have no appetite, im  26 months out of surgery and weigh 132lbs, thats with extra skin!!!!!!

so, im an addict... im clincally depressed, i have panic attacks on a regular basis, and add!!!!!   what a catch!

so that ends the entry... for tonight... lets see when i make another one ( im not exactly good at follow through )

marah

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Avatar universal
by Linda1962, Apr 22, 2009
I was wondering: and please don't get angry but, have you thought of getting into a addicts program?  I don't mean to sound totally rude, but there are programs that are really good.

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