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The cost is too much to bare....

Oct 25, 2008 - 1 comments

Well I just had a huge blowout with a close family member and I am so consumed with guilt.  I admit it's my fault....my temper and emotions have been so on edge.  I am nervous, scared and feel unprepared for what is to come!!  I am relying on my strength in a time that I feel so weak!!  I feel like a whiner and cry baby and honestly I have been questioning who I am lately.  I am going over the past and how I got to where I am....I am blaming the docs. for getting me "hooked" to the percs., but they were never there forcing them down my throat.  I am mad that they put me on the suboxone when from the research that I have done, coming off of sub is so much harder than coming off percs.  Why get you off of one thing and put you on something that is so much worse than the first demon?!?  I wish I could have dealt with my pain in my own way and never taken a damned perc. to begin with!!  My friends and family are trying to be supportive, but they just don't know what it is like to experience this.  I am in a hell that I have forced them to walk through.  They blame themselves for my edginess, bitchiness and moodiness, which I have tried to explain to them....it is nothing that THEY did, it is what I did!!  All of it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me, and what is even worse sometimes I take the copout and DO blame it on them.  Easier to blame it on someone else than yourself.  I pray to God for the strength to put all of this behind me.  I pray for the simplicity of feeling normal and alive.  I pray that I have not caused too much heartache and hurt to those that I love and who love me.  I hope I can repair the horrific damage that this journey has caused.  It's almost all too much to bare!!

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by teko, Oct 25, 2008
Show them this post.  This says it all.  And let me tell you something.  I am a Mom, and a Mom will go to the ends of the earth and back for her child.  The rest of your family too.  As long as you are trying, it will all work our in the end. You will see.  Quit being so hard on yourself and re direct your energy to staying strong.  and Pray.

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