All Journal Entries Journals

Cancer diagnosis

Aug 23, 2012 - 4 comments

Tonight I feel tired and numb.  Is hard to believe that my life may be cut short by cancer.  Is harder to believe that I may never feel truely healthy again.  I use to take health and energy and life for granted.  I wish I hadn't.  I wish I had of made more of what I did have.  I guess still have to a degree.  Is hard to live and not stress when you feel that death is behind you waiting to tap you on the shoulder.  Game over.  What a waste.  my life has been one nightmare after another.

Maybe I will feel better once my drain is out and I don't feel so weighed down by that and the constant reminder of ill health.  I wish I knew how to process all these thoughts and feelings.

I feel angry at my doctor for not taking my concerns seriously.  Your swollen lymph node is benign.  Yet it and others are cancerous.  ??  How can you be angry at someone who has supported you through some difficult times?  And let you down in others.

I guess on an emotional level I'm not coping well with surgery or the diagnosis.  Haven't even had that conversation with the surgeon yet.  Have just read the histology report and had discussions with several other doctors.
Surgery feels like I have been cut up and stitched back way too tight.  It's a bit like a body and diagnosis you can't escape from.

I just feel confused.  Writing helps to get some perspective.

My family haven't even hugged me and said that things will be alright.  I'm finding cancer a lonely place (to live and to die).  That's pretty morbid but that's where I'm at tonight.  Tomorrow I will probably delete this.

Post a Comment
Avatar universal
by Eli93, Aug 23, 2012
wow. my heart goes out for you:(
just stay try and stay strong! AND KEEP FIGHTING IN THE WAYS THAT YOU CAN!

Avatar universal
by TTinKKerBBell, Aug 23, 2012
OMGolly!!  I'm SO sorry.  I wish I could think of something profound to say but I'm at a loss for words.  I can't imagine how anguished You must feel.

You know....., reality is, we never REALLY know when Our Life could end, or the Life of Someone we Love.  We should, we REALLY should live every day as though it were Our last - but we DO take Life for granted and We forget to make the most of the time We have.  I suspect You will do that no more - take things for granted, I mean.

As for processing all Your Thoughts and Feelings - I don't think anyone could do that at a time like this, while facing what You are facing.

And the anger You feel - I think that too, would be a natural feeling to have under this circumstance.  NoOne wants to die, NoOne wants to be afraid.  I think the "anger" comes from not having any control over Your Own Life.

And OF COURSE You're confused - I think that would be a natural feeling too, and helpless to change things, You must feel some of that too.

I don't understand why Your family hasn't hugged You - but maybe They simply don't know what to do, what to say.  My guess is they are feeling a lot of what You are feeling:  Confused, Helpless, Afraid, Angry.

I am SO sorry You are on this Journey and my Heart is Heavy for You, for those You Love, and for Those Who Love You.

What happens will happen, we really don't EVER have TOTAL control of Our Life, but try to think Positive thoughts, try to stay Strong, and Love and be Loved as much as You can and remember that MIRACLES HAPPEN.

Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart,

973741 tn?1342342773
by specialmom, Aug 23, 2012
Oh, I so hate hate hate cancer.  It is evil in the true sense of the word.  I'm so very sorry for your diagnosis and I'm sure that your emotions are all over the place.  I have a friend that referred to things as B.C. and A.C.  Before cancer and after cancer as she felt like once she got her diagnosis, that was the way life was.  

So many people don't handle cancer well either.  They either say inappropriate things or they say nothing.  Those that love us the most are dealing with the horror and terror of this evil enemy in their camp often don't support the way their loved one needs it.  I'm sure they love you very much but are scared poopless right now and thus, forgetting to ask you what you need at this moment.  It sounds like what you desire is a hug.  I'm sending you cyber hugs.  

So very sorry.  You sound like a great person ---  very strong and articulate.  I'll say a prayer that all turns out alright.  Peace

Avatar universal
by Jaquta, Aug 23, 2012
Thanks!  I think that some of my family think that I've given up because I don't think positively like they think I should.
I personally hate (loathe) affirmations.  I feel kind of alienated from my family because I'm looking at what I'm being confronted with and not slapping a positive label on something that it's not.  My brother said, "See I told you to think positive and that things aren't that bad".  At this point in time I can't really comprehend how losing my breast and my health is a positive.  At best, it's a hard lesson in humility.

You make a really good point though and that is to fight in ways that I can and that are meaningful to me.

Heart felt works as well as profound.
That's very deep anyway and so true.  We don't know what lies around the corner.  Our lives take us on journeys many us never foresee.
The sad thing for me is that I still do take stuff for granted.  You would think that illness would change you but it doesn't, not really.  You would think that you would gain strength and inspiration but you don't.  Or at least, I don't.  Maybe that is something intrinsically wrong with me.

Maybe I need to be kinder to myself.  I think that I should be able to process these thoughts and feelings so that I can resolve them, take lessons from them and move on.  I guess grief and loss can't be rushed.  Things are hard to take on board when I want to push them away and deny their very existence.  I hate accepting vulnerability.

Maybe a few self-recriminations in there too for not listening to myself.  For allowing others to pass off my concerns as being due to anxiety.  I have trust issues and I put my trust in others above what I felt and I feel let down.  I feel that I've let myself down, let others down and that they too have let me down.  What does sorry even achieve?

I expect my family are struggling with their own thoughts and feelings and insecurities.
As much as I feel that I need them I'm not sure I want to invite them in.  I don't know if I can deal with their attacks.  It's something I really need to think about.  This probably doesn't make much sense to an outsider but our family dynamics are really messed up.  We love each other but when close we have a tendency to hurt each other.  It's really messed up.
Breaking down barriers is a huge sacrifice.  I expect it could be worth it but for now it is in the too hard basket.

Yes, miracles do happen.  When I was younger a fellow student's mother took us for bible class.  She had us sing this catchy little song that I still remember.  Expect a miracle every day, expect a miracle when you pray, if you expect it,  God will find a way, to perform a miracle for you each day.

I hate cancer too.  At this point in time I would probably add a D.C. to that.  During cancer.  Is hard to think that life could ever be the same again.  I guess with it you lose a lot of your innocence, naivete.

Maybe in all this we have isolated ourselves.  Instead of taking strength from each other we have pushed each other away.  At this time I feel so vulnerable I have no idea how I could even survive chemotherapy.

Thank you for the hugs.  I appreciate them.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much everyone for your kind words of support.

Post a Comment