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just needing to vent

Jan 17, 2009 - 0 comments

i guess i am finally giving in and writing all that i am feeling....writing has always made me feel better, but i guess i am just sinking into depression further and further that i haven't even had the energy to use the outlet of writing.  dear God, i hope that this helps, because i am so very, very sad and i feel so very, very alone.  i know a lot of this COULD be dealing with my hormones changing due to the pregnancy, but then i have also been through so much and i have struggled so much in life.  i am prone to depression anyway, and everyone in my inner circle knows this, but i can usually pull myself "up by the bootstraps" and just keep charging ahead.  this is different.  every time i remember what it was like to hold my babies when they were little, it gives me such a light and loving feeling...it makes me so very excited to meet this new life, welcome it and adore it as i do my other two, but then that thought and feeling are overshadowed by everything that is going on in my life...OUR lives.  this will be the first baby that i have had where i did not have my mom cheering me on and routing for me all the way!!  she used to sing to my belly and talk to the baby inside.  she went to my appointments with me and held my hand and cried with me when i lost 2 babies.  she was so much my strength and my confidant.  i get angry with her for dying and leaving me here to be the strong one.  gene's boss was in a horrible accident a few weeks ago and looks as if he will no longer have a job in a couple of weeks.  his boss is still in bad shape and is unable to keep the business going through his recovery, etc.  he cannot collect unemployment and with everything shutting down around here and everyone being laid off, the prospects do not look good.  we love our home, and it looks as if we may lose it.  i have been through this before, losing a home in my first marriage.  we lost everything...our home, our vehicles...even our furniture.  we had to move in with my mom.  gene is so depressed and moody.  he is moody anyway, but he is getting into a deep funk too.  how do i keep him up and myself up as well....its like being on sinking ship with no way of rescue.  how much more do i have to lose?!?  i have watched my parents die, grandparents...aunts, uncles, cousins....it goes on and on.  i was talking to my uncle the other day and we were talking about how young everyone was when they went.  my dad was 40 and my mom 50.  grandma didn't make it past 60....like i said, it goes on and on and on and on.  i don't have much family left now, and i loved growing up with a large one.  this baby comes into the world with no grandparents, aunts or uncles, etc.  just me and gene and the kids and a few close friends.  it makes me so sad.  i don't even want to clean house....i just find myself sitting here on the computer or laying on the couch sleeping or watching mindless television.  ok, now i just feel worse...i guess i will go and try to sleep some more.

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