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An Open Letter to My Gynecologist ..Hilarious!

Sep 25, 2012 - 12 comments


Dear Dr. Lady Parts,

As I sit here on the noisy paper lining of your exam table, I’m unable to think about anything but the two very thin, very low thread count sheets covering my very naked, very cold body.

I know I don’t write, I don’t call, but I’m here now for my annual preventative maintenance and isn’t that all that really matters?

In answer to your questions, yes, I feel my boobies regularly. No, I don’t have any pain. Yes, I still have the same sexual partner. No, I don’t have any vagina problems.

Enough of the small talk, let’s get down to female brass tacks.

As your naked and vulnerable patient, I feel the need to express the following wants, desires and concerns on how to better provide me with most excellent gynecological care:

1. Give me a drawer. I can’t exactly explain why I feel the need to hide my bra and panties from you between the expertly folded clothing I’ve just removed; I just know I need to. A drawer would tell me you’re invested in this relationship.

2. How about some ******* flannel sheets if you’re going to insist upon keeping me waiting naked in this meat locker.

3. Always use the small speculum. I don’t care how stretched out my glitter’s become as a result of birthing two very stubborn babies. While I can’t guarantee my vagina won’t accidentally swallow said speculum, it’s a chance I’m willing to take. Yes, I’ll sign a waiver.

4. Warm up the lube. Microwave that ****, I don’t care, just do something.

5. No, I can’t scoot my butt any down any further on the exam table. I’m not prepared to fall vagina first. How about you just come closer.

6. What’s a girl gotta do to get complimented on her pubic grooming? I don’t go through this much effort for anyone but you; a little recognition would be greatly appreciated.

7. Buy me dinner. It only seems fair.

8. When my feet are in the stirrups, never, ever say “Come in!” when there’s a knock on the exam room door…unless of course you want my knees to vice grip your head as they slam shut. I believe we’ve had this conversation before.

9. No, I will not relax my leg muscles. Not without a glass of wine, a foot massage, and a little acoustic Coldplay.

10. Refrain from using words like, “firm”, “pink”, “happy”, and “fleshy” while peeking inside my magical nether regions. I’m sure those words are positive and healthy but my vagina gets all embarrassed and stuff. Stick with words like, “great”, “fine”, or even “all good”.

11. I’d like a goody bag when I leave. C’mon, even the dentist gives me a toothbrush and floss. Can I at least get a tampon and some fem wipes? Or maybe a sticker? Ooo, or one of those Bic pens made just “for her”.

Now that I’m finally back in my underwear, I guess I’ll let you go. These vaginas won’t check themselves, I suppose.

May we continue to be people who use minimal words and only see each other once a year.

Annually yours,




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Comments
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by khawkins, Sep 25, 2012
That is awesome.......

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by haz1104, Sep 25, 2012
really liked it..thut I'd share it with u Ladies! Glad u liked it! :)

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by cnhauk, Sep 25, 2012
Omg this is hilarious!! I love it!!! Thanks for posting :]

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by Des_a_rae, Sep 25, 2012
Came across this on the side bar..had to comment.  Thanks so much for sharing..it's hilarious and I laughed so much DH thought I was "odd" :|  So now I'm just snickering to myself lol.  Love it! :D

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by butterflybabies, Sep 25, 2012
Hysterically and so true!!

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by plumber43, Sep 25, 2012
Omg, I never laughed so much and I truly cried.....lmfao!
Love Melanie
PS, we all feel this way?! Boy am I relieved it just wasn't me!

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by haz1104, Sep 26, 2012
haha..I also laughed my eyes out. !! gladly every1 else was out and baby was sleeping..my DH would have declared me insane if he'd seen me laughing at a computer screen SO HARD!! haaha

Mel, turns out its a global thing! haha

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by stacey10, Sep 26, 2012
hehe laughing so hard at this, just what I needed after a day dealing with kids on school holidays, and my dh thought I was mad laughing away ;)  definately feeling this way in aussie  :)

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by hopeitworks, Sep 26, 2012
OMG I love this and Melanie. I so agree glad we are not alone!!

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by mandaszoo, Sep 26, 2012
This is so true, I will keep it in mind when have to have yet another humiliating  exam!! Thanks for mmaking me smile :-)

1609417 tn?1389646378
by haz1104, Sep 26, 2012
Glad u liked it Ladies :)

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by Marlene76, Sep 26, 2012
Love it!

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