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I am going to go crazy!! Advice please!!

Feb 10, 2009 - 46 comments

I don't even know where to begin. My mother keeps Avery everyday except for Thursday (usually my MIL helps out on Thursday). Apparently my mother is bored and frustrated everyday keeping Avery but she didn't tell me about it until a couple weeks ago. She said that she wanted to take her to the library for some of the children's programs, enroll her in another gym class just like the one I take her to on Tuesday evenings and check out some other things for them to do when it is so cold outside. I thought that all of the above were great ideas. I agreed and told her I would check what time she could take Avery to gym class and she said she was going to call the library. I thought everything was ok and then she springs something else on me. She said she called this church near our house and they have this "Mother's Day Out" program that she could take Avery to from 9-1 two days a week. She would drop her off at 9 and pick her up at 1, basically it is a daycare. I told her I would have to think it over and talk to Shane (dh) about it. She got mad at me because I had to think about it. She told me that I was "abnormal, obsessive and crazy" for having to think about it. I said "Mom, Avery has never been dropped off anywhere except for family and it makes me nervous thinking about her being taken to a strange place". She went on ranting and raving once again stating that I was abnormal and obsessive. Avery is barely even old enough to go to this program. I said "can't we wait until she is older" and she got really mad and went off the deep end. It seems like my mom wants a break yet when I try to make life easier for her by arranging for other family members to watch her she gets mad about that too. I don't know if it is that she feels guilty for not watching her or that she really doesn't want anyone else to watch Avery but she doesn't want to either? My mom has always been the type that wants you to need her and then you need her and depend on her and then later she throws it back in your face. Apparently after talking to my brother (who sees our mother very little) figured this out years ago and got tired of her "game playing". I never really knew the real reason that he and his family spent little time with her until I had a long conversation with him last week. He said that he figured out a long time ago that our mother is very manipulative and controlling and as long as you do everything the way she wants and tow the line she is fine but the first time you try to make a decision that she doesn't like she goes off the deep end (which I am expereincing right now).  She (my mother) seems a little jealous that I seem to have more "help" than she ever did. She always says I did everything myself, which is not completey true. My parents have always been together and still are so my dad was there. (My dh is out of town most of the week, every week). She seems to resent the fact that she or my MIL will watch Avery if I have an appointment or doctor visit to go to or occasionally go to dinner with a friend. My MIL is more that willing to help out but she works full-time. She told me last week that I was irresponsible (which was very hurtful) and I asked her to give me an example as to how I am irresponsible and she said because you don't mow your own lawn. Give me a break!! I do everything that she did (clean, cook, laundry, take care of all the finances including for dh's business and grocery shopping). She was just blowing smoke but it was hurtful!! So shoot me because we pay the neighbor to mow our lawn, I really don't think that makes me irresponsible. She also said some hurtful things about dh and she has never had any issues with him before. He is a good father, husband and provider. The worst thing that she could come up with is that he works too much!! Dh is fed up with her and mad that she called the MDO program without even asking us first. She has given me the silent treatment for 2 weeks now (barely speaks to me). I have a stomachache everyday because I don't know how her mood will be that particular day. I feel like the person that I knew as my mother has died and someone else took over. We were always super close and did almost everything together. I am worried about her. I feel like there is something wrong with her and my dad just makes excuses for her behavior. She told me that after this school year she is not watching Avery anymore and that she never wants to see us again after that. I am so hurt that I can't even put my feelings into words. Clearly she must have some kind of mental illness or something. This is not normal. I think that if I were to apologize (for what I don't know) that she might come around. I just feel like she should be apologizing to me, she hurt me soooooo much. A few background facts: she does take Zoloft and has for years and we do pay her to watch Avery. We don't expect her to work for free! I am also sad because it looks like I am going to have to quit my job in a few months (which I like) or put Avery in daycare-something that we really don't want to do but we will have to buy health insurance if I quit and health insurance is through the roof right now. Any advice or insight is greatly appreciated. Thanks ladies!

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15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 10, 2009
Just another bit of info. My mom begged and begged for us to have a child and she was the one who volunteered to watch her when I work.

172023 tn?1334672284
by peekawho, Feb 10, 2009
Its sounds like she's feeling overwhelmed with watching Avery, and she thought this might be a good compromise.  And then she overreacted (clearly) when you stated your reasonable concerns about it.  Now she probably feels like she can't back down.

I suppose its impossible for everyone to sit down together and talk honestly about whether she feels overwhelmed, and how you could help her with that so that everyone feels good about the choices being made?  



Avatar universal
by alikat1205, Feb 10, 2009
you need to look into a day care or a sitter.  it isn't the end of the world.  both of my girls went to daycare and as long as you find one you like, she will be fine.  you cannot depend on your mother.  i also find that when you are paying a third party, it is their job, not a favor and it eliminates these problems.  

15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 10, 2009
I tried that last Wednesday. I went to her and tried to "smooth" things over for lack of a better word. I told her I understand it is too much for her and tried to make other arrangements and that didn't suit her either. I even told her I would agree to MDO. I am not happy about it but it is better than putting Avery in regular daycare. She told me that "hell would freeze over before she takes Avery to MDO now". She is so stubborn and now she won't budge. She is so dramatic!

164559 tn?1233708018
by anxiousmomtobe?, Feb 10, 2009
GNicole,

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I think it may be better for all of you in the long run if you make permanent, alternative child care arrangements.  Nadia goes to a private sitter.  this lady actually kept our other two kids as well.  Nadia loves it there.  Maybe Grandma shoudl just get to be grandma.

270405 tn?1293035621
by houseofgirls, Feb 10, 2009
I think you really need to consider not working or finding a daycare for her.  I totally understand what it is like to have manipulative family members.  My Mom lives out of state, but if she were here, I'm sure I'd be dealing with stuff like this.  It would probably be best for her too for you to find someone else to watch Avery.  Then, when she visits with her it is because she wants to.  


145992 tn?1341345074
by mami1323, Feb 10, 2009
Oh Greta, I know exactly how you feel.  Especially about the throwing things in face when mad.  I think also that your mom is overwhelmed but is punishing you for feeling the way you feel about MDO.  I think in this situation, you need to find alternatives for Avery, I told you before that she may in fact enjoy daycare because she's older and may like the social interaction with the other children.  Your mother may have some issues going on with her mental state, although, from what it sounds, she has always been this way.  Just maybe not as extreme.  I wish she was different and I wish you weren't hurting as much as you are from her behavior.  Perhaps when Avery is in daycare or out of your mother's care, she will come around.  I'm sorry you are going through this, I only wish you the best.

15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 10, 2009
Thanks ladies for the advice, obviously we are going to have to make a change. This is not working.

Jezi- Thanks as always for your kind words. I am just too upset right now to make any decisions. I dread the thought of daycare. I know it works for others but I am not thrilled about it.

145992 tn?1341345074
by mami1323, Feb 10, 2009
I totally understand, it's nice having grandma watch the kids, you know they would take care of them better than any stranger would.  It's unfortunate your mom feels this way.

326352 tn?1310994295
by lhughes, Feb 10, 2009
MDO programs usually have an enrollment period which is around now for fall of the next school year.  Come September, that might not be a bad idea for your child and your mom.  HOWEVER, I thought it would be a great thing to give my mom some time too and it has been a tad bit of a logistics nightmare (we live 30 minutes from town which complicates matters and the school hours are in the middle of my work day).

And not all MDO's are just baby-sitting situations...after toddlerhood, they actually do classes in some places (like a mini-kindergarten setting).  Also note, some kids fit right in and some kids don't.  I had one that did awesome in this setting and one that did not.

I do think that she should have contacted you first on the idea and not gone ahead without your approval on asking questions or getting information.

I agree with Peek, can you have a family sit-down and discuss the issue and come up with some ideas (multiple ones) in which you and dh can research and review (actually go look at the school, etc) for a solution???   Perhaps find a place that has part-time classes more conducive to your schedule so that you can do a drop off and your mom can do a pick-up?  That's what we are going to do next fall.  Classes start at 8am and end at 12 with available nursery for both my girls at a VERY reasonable rate until 5:30.  

But, if you are going to do something, you'd best do it NOW.  Most places register in January/February.  Best of luck...sortof kindof in a similar spot but more due to logistics and massive amounts of doc visits, but it still gets to ya having a nightmare of "where will be the baby be on any given day".

193609 tn?1292180293
by Cheyenne_08, Feb 10, 2009
I am sorry if this seems random but is your mother diabetic? Or could she be? My dad is diabetic and sometimes when his sugar gets out of control (too high) he appears to go off the deep end. He can't think straight, and although he thinks he is completely rational, he is being very irrational.  I am sorry you are going through this and I hope it gets better!

15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 10, 2009
Lhughes-thanks for the advice and the info.!!

Cheyenne-no it isn't random at all. I wondered the same thing. I was also concerned that she had a stroke, the beginning stages of alzheimer's or something else. Thanks!

Avatar universal
by lu1, Feb 10, 2009
Your mom probably needs a break.  Hopefully she will come around.  l believe it should be your decision where you put Avery, not your mothers.  She was out of line for getting mad at you for wanting to think about it.  l think you should try to get other daycare arangements for your daughter, and like someone said let your mom be the grandma.   l would check out the MDO program see if you could stay there for an afternoon to check it out then you would know what it's like, if you are uncomfortable with the MDO program then try something else.  Of course that program would only help you a few times a week.  You may be better off finding something more permanent, so your daughther would have more of a stable enviroment.  If you don't want Avery in a regular daycare,  try out a lisenced family daycare, they are limited on how many kids there are. In Canada where l live, you are only allowed to have 7 kids in a family daycare.  If that is not the thing for you, try someone that can come into your home to look after Avery, or Avery goes to their home.  lf you want you probably could get a crimminal check on the person to give you more peace of mind.  Make sure they have first aid.  Hope everything goes ok for you.  P.S you are not abnormal, obsessive or crazy

15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 10, 2009
lu1-Thank you for your kind words!!

184342 tn?1282588750
by tatorbug40, Feb 10, 2009
My MIL keeps Colten- she also kept Taylor, until she was 18 months old-  which is our plan for Colten too-  we actually don't pay her,  but I do take Colten to MDO on mondays and fridays,  I drop him off, and she picks him up...  it gives her 2 days a week that she can get errands run and doc. apts, etc-  it works really well for us-  sometimes my MIL seems to get overwhelmed, even with these days "off"...  and it gets pretty frustrating because she is the only family we have around here, so we never get offers for weekend visits to give us a night out...  but then I think I am selfish, because we don't pay her to keep him all week....  in the fall he will be at a day care school at the same church taylor is at right now...  I love her school, and she is very social because of it...  sometimes those places do have benefits...  with that said,  it sounds like your mom has gone off the deep end a little-  saying she never wants to see you again...  I can't imagine how painful that would be...  perhaps once she gets a little break,  she'll see more clearly-  is there any way you could get some one to watch her just for a couple of weeks and see how your mom reacts to not seeing avery at all?  she could come around then...  

203342 tn?1328737207
by April2, Feb 10, 2009
Wow, Cheyenne! I never realized that about diabetics! Weird! My mother is a diabetic and so similar to GNicole's mom. I always wondered if my mother had depression problems too, but she would never admit that or get diagnosed, I think. Interesting!
My mom is so similar to yours, GNicole. As long as she has her way everything is great. I learned a long time ago just to agree with her and then do what I want! I live in another state so it's easier for me to do that, lol. She actually has mellowed out a lot over the years but still likes to have her way and the last word! She's always right too! I love my mom very much and I know she loves all of her kids and grandkids and would die for them but sadly she doesn't realize that she's isolated a lot of them, too. She just doesn't seem to get it.

Someone recommended this book for me since I have a controlling mom, like you, and you might get something out of it too. RR also recommended it to me on here so I've had several people recommend it. It's called "Boundaries". I forget who it's by but it basically shows you how to make boundaries with your family and friends so that people don't run all over you. You might want to check it out.

Also, I think it's a good idea to find another sitter. Your mother sounds way overwhelmed. I'd be concerned about that. If she's anything like my mother she likes feeling like you depend on her. She likes being needed. But I think she will respect you more (eventually) if you show her you can take care of your little family and house, bills, job, etc. just fine. She might resent it at first because she likes being needed but I'm sure she'll come around. I know she's threatened to not see you all again but I highly doubt that. She would not be able to stand being away from her daughter and granddaughter for long, I'm sure. She's just shooting bullets right now because she feels like she's losing some control. Try the book and see if it might have some good suggestions on how to deal with all of this without disowning your mother. There's got to be a way to find some balance here.
I wish you the best!


193609 tn?1292180293
by Cheyenne_08, Feb 10, 2009
You shoyld definetly get her sugar checked, just to be on the safe side. It is so strange becuase my dad talks to us about something, then two days later says the exact opposite, and talks as if he was the most rational person alive and that the decision he is making is the best one, when in fact, he is really off base and making a horrible decision! It doesn't happen a lot, but it happens often enough to make me worry A LOT! I hope your mom is fine, and this is all just stress!!!

15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 10, 2009
Tator-Thanks for the advice. I thought she would come around by now because I haven't seen her or called her the past few weekends and I never call her in the evening anymore. I used to do all of these things because we were super close. Hopefully things will turn around soon. I am probably going to have to bite the bullet and smooth things over even though I don't feel as I did anything wrong. She will probably drag this out forever if I don't do something.

April2-Yes our mothers sound very similar. Thanks for the advice and the book recommendation!! :)

Cheyenne- I suggested to my dad that she needs to go to the doctor. She does go for regular check-ups and bloodwork. Her sugar has been borderline in the past. Thanks for your help!



148691 tn?1260194903
by vsentz, Feb 10, 2009
Girlie!!! I am sorry!!!! =( you know I  knooooooow exactly what you are going thru with Ave.... it is horrible!
About your mom, girl... moms are pain in the rear! lol... I hope I am not like that with Madisson... but my mom sometimes can be very hurtful! and such a drama queen... urgh...
I think we should put a daycare center together! maybe in York! which is half ways between you and I! lol ;)
Girl I wish I could be more help... but I feel trapped in the same pickle you are... I just wish you and little Avery the best... I know it is very painful, but see... all in all.. Maddie is doing great! =) no babysitter will ever take care of her like momma, but I am SURE you'll find someone you feel comfortable with! =)

15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 10, 2009
Thanks V!! Great idea!! Lets open up our own daycare and then we can be with Maddie and Avery all day everyday-haha!! Is it going better with the sitter?

15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 11, 2009
Well, wish me luck, I am going to sit down and try and talk to her today if her mood seems decent. I am pretty nervous about talking to her but here are the options that we have:

1) My mom will still watch Avery until we have another baby and find some help for my mom a couple days a week (Shane's mom, Mother's Day Out)

2) I will find a part-time job and mom will watch Avery until baby #2

3) I will find a part-time job and Avery will go to daycare or another sitter

4) I will continue working full-time and Avery will go to daycare/another sitter (last resort)

5) I will quit working and stay home to watch Avery

Thanks for your help ladies! :)

Avatar universal
by 1nana, Feb 11, 2009
Good luck, Greta!

242084 tn?1244548310
by SeeingSpots, Feb 11, 2009
She sounds a lot like my mother... and like your brother, I now have very little contact with her.  Although my mom will never admit it, my sister and I (through my sister going to a psychologist because of her own guilt over my mom's accusations/lowering of her self esteeme), are almost positive that my mom has "narcissistic personality disorder" (NPD).  They insist on helping you, then take every oportunity to rub it in your face that they've had to do so... they like being in control all the time... they want things done their way only, they like to make you feel inferior, they get enjoyment out of hurting your feelings, they can appear sweet and kid one minute- and "flip" in an instant, etc.  Obviously I can't arm-chair diagnose your mom, but you may want to google it to see if it fits.

In any case, no matter what the real deal is with your mom, do what is best for Avery-- not your mom.  For us, it was difficult, but we ended up having to sever ties, as the emotional toil my mom raised in our family was more damaging than the positive of having a grandmother in it.  I would always leave her place a wreck, got tired of trying to "keep the peace", and her insulting my DH and our life was the final straw.  The constant "game playing" was a complication that we did not need in our lives, and I certainly didn't want my kids growing up thinking that this was acceptable behavior.  Anyway, good luck!


15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 11, 2009
Thank you so much ladies! I have often wondered if my mom has NPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. Thanks for the well wishes, I will keep you all posted! :)

242084 tn?1244548310
by SeeingSpots, Feb 11, 2009
Yeah, she may not be a full-case Narcissist, but they say it gets worse with age.  Btw, my parents are still married too, and my father *always* makes excuses for her... he will side with us when she's not around and agree that what she did was wrong, but then go right back to defending her when she's around.  He says he needs to keep the peace.

Anyway, this is a little long (and she doesn't have to meet all the points), but here's a good read to determine if she has NPD, as it talks about the characteristic of narcissistic mothers:
http://www.geocities.com/zpg1957/narcissists.htm

Take care!

15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 11, 2009
Seeing spots- I just looked over your suggested reading and OMG it is my mom to a T. It was like that is written about my mother. That is how my life has been almost 100%-it gave me goosebumps. Thank you so much for your help!!

203342 tn?1328737207
by April2, Feb 11, 2009
That sounds similar to my mom, too, except she does feel bad when feelings are hurt. I honestly think she doesn't realize how she comes across. I think she's a big time worrier too and wants everything perfect.

I may be going way out on a limb here but are you sure your mom was never abused in any way as a child or later? I'm asking because my mom finally revealed to me within the last two years that she was molested by a family friend for years when she was a little girl and that she did try to tell and wasn't believed. I know back then it was almost unheard of, or it was kept quiet.

I think that's what made her the way she is today. The wanting to be in control is because she felt so out of control for so long. She also was raped when she was 18 by her then fiancee (not my dad). She still has flash backs and some phobias. I honestly think that's why she wants to be in control and wants everything to be perfect. It's her way of regaining that lost control she had. She never did get counseling, which probably would have helped. I just wished she would have told me so much sooner. It would have helped me have more understanding of why she turned out like this. Now I have more compassion and try to be more patient, knowing what she went through.

You may never know, of course, if something like this happened to your mom, but it could explain a lot.
My dad is the same with my mom, too. He will always take her side and defend her. It used to really hurt me but I think I understand now why he does that. He's kind of the only one in her corner, really. I don't know what she would do if he died before her. He's the best thing that ever happened to her.

Good luck with the talk. We'll be crossing our fingers and hoping for the best!

15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 11, 2009
Thanks April. I don't think that she was abused but who really knows. After reading the above article that SS recommended I am so angry that she has controlled and manipulated me for so long. I don't even know if I want to have the talk now because I don't think I even want her watching our daughter anymore. I am so confused, hurt and angry right now to make any decisions.

Avatar universal
by teko, Feb 11, 2009
It sounds like Mom wants to watch her but simply is needing a little time out and probably thinks it would be good to socialize the little one. She probably got her feelings hurt and did not think that there would be a problem, (she probably thought she was doing good), and when  you disagreed or questioned it, (which is normal)she probably felt like you  thought she was inadvertantly doing something that would hurt the child and/or take it in a negative way which offended her. She loves the child and probably honestly thought it would be good for both of them. My opinion as a grammy? Do what is best for the child.

15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 11, 2009
Teko-I see your point but her reaction was over the top. There is a life long history of behavior like this from her. I am just realizing now how abnormal her behavior has been my whole life. Thanks for the advice though, I agree we have to do what is best for Avery and right now I am not sure what that is.

203342 tn?1328737207
by April2, Feb 11, 2009
Wow, I just read that article. I could only see a couple of things I could relate to my own mother, like the being defensive and not taking criticism ever for things they say and that she's never wrong. Thankfully, most of that was way more extreme than I see in my mom.
But if you see your mom in that whole article then I agree with the others, you need to protect yourself and your child from her. This is a difficult situation. She is your mom and I know you want to maintain contact but maybe you could limit it, at least. This is so hard. I don't envy you. I hope you can find something that works for everyone in this situation.


242084 tn?1244548310
by SeeingSpots, Feb 11, 2009
Glad to share the info, but sorry to hear it fit your mom to a T... to be honest, reading your first post in this journal gave ME goosebumps, as it sounded all too familiar to my life and mom.  I don't think anyone who hasn't had to deal with NPD parents knows quite how bad it can be, or what our lives have been like.  To just about everyone who knew our family we were perceived as the "perfect family"- two married parents, two well-behaved kids, neat house, etc.  People would comment about how "wonderful" a mother we had, because she would do this and that for us (and yes, she DID go out of her way to do things... but there was ALWAYS a price-- you had to let her control the things she was doing for you, you had to constantly be appreciative, you had to always let her do it and not change the routine.)  Yet my sister and I were living through our own personal emotional hell.  Oh, and my mom routinely did the whole "I'm-not-speaking-to-you" stunt too whenever she didn't get her way (talk about an immature behavior!).  Just be very careful dealing with her... sounds like she already had you caving and agreeing to sending Avery to that daycare, despite the impropriety of her crossing into your decisions as parents.  My DH has been a godsend to me.  I admit I let my mom control my life far too long, and it wasn't until I got married and *finally* started to listen to my DH's concerns (just for the record, my mom acted like he was wonderful and all until after I got married- then she started attacking things about him to me, not in front of his face, it was to wound ME.)  I also let my DH read that site (and others) about NPD so he'd really understand what my life has been like and how I was "abused"... yes, abused.  Talk to your DH about it, and get his point of view of your mom... don't jump to her defense (like NPD kids are trained to do), but rather let him be honest about it all and see things through his eyes.  I'm not saying to cut her off completely just yet (like I had to do), but just watch your dealings with her from a different perspective now.  Make sure that you are putting your family and Avery's best interest first, and not being manipulated in to making changes/decisions you aren't ready to do, simply because you want to keep the peace with your mom.

15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 11, 2009
Seeingspots-I know exactly what you mean. To the outside world we were perfect and everyone pretty much still thinks that. My mother also seemed wonderful to others, did whatever we needed/wanted but like you said it came with a price and that is how she still is. She has to be in control, you have to praise and thank her up and down. She loves to give the silent treatment and somehow always manages to make me feel guilty and as if everything is my fault even though I have done nothing wrong. Yes, Shane even said that over the years he has noticed that she is my way or the highway and if you don't tow the line and do everything how she wants it she gets mad, gives the silent treatment etc. I feel like I have been trained to act like this is normal behavior and sadly enough I have believed it is normal behavior for a long time. Thank you so much for your help and info. :)

Greta :)

15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 11, 2009
April-thanks for your comments and taking the time to read all of this. I appreciate your help! :)

15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 12, 2009
So I had a 2 talks with my mom yesterday that went fairly well. She did apologize (amazingly) for most of the nasty things she said but while talking to her it is quite obvious that she has NPD. I think what we are going to do next year is put Avery in daycare part-time so that I don't have to rely on my mom very much anymore. This will probably sound crazy but I actually feel free for the first time in my life. I have felt like she controlled almost everything I have done for my whole life and I felt like a little child controlled by her. I got alot of things out that I wanted to say and I have this new sense of freedom today. I feel like finally Shane, Avery and I can be our own family instead of my mom, Shane, Avery and I. I am not going to sever ties with her but I am definitely limiting the time we spend with her and talk to her. I need to do this for myself and for my family. Thank you so much everyone for all of your help!! :)

203342 tn?1328737207
by April2, Feb 12, 2009
I know that feeling. :) It sounds like you are on the right track. Best wishes!

15480 tn?1302529802
by GNicole, Feb 12, 2009
Thanks April! :)

599170 tn?1300973893
by Cherie762, Feb 12, 2009
My mom lays guilt trips on me sounds like your moms doing the same....sometimes we make promises and its difficult to keep you mom sounds perhaps a bit depressed...do you think she could have a health issue she is not sharing with you ???? just a thought...best wishes for you and baby,,,

242084 tn?1244548310
by SeeingSpots, Feb 12, 2009
Hey Greta,  
Congrats on having the talk and all going well!  Yes, it is liberating when it all finally "clicks" and you realize that you aren't crazy or a horrible person, and that there is a reason behind all the madness.  I know that once I understood what NPD was I could also see the patterns behind my mom's actions/words, and thus she lost the power and control she had over me and my life.  Be strong and don't fall back in to old habits... it's easy to do, as kids from NPD parents have spent their whole lives being controlled and "conditioned".  Also a warning, your mom probably won't give up the reins without a fight, and she might appear to back off for a bit to draw you back in, but keep up your guard.  You, Shane and Avery will have a much hapier and peaceful life now... trust me, been there, done that! :)

Also, just an FYI, mental heatlh professionals will tell you that there really isn't a cure for NPD, and it is extremely rare for a person suffering from it to ever seek help; you see, the reason is that a person with NPD will never admit that the problem actually lies with *them*.  They may apologize for past behaviors on the outside, but inside they don't believe a word of it and will later continue on with the very same behavior that's in question.  Most professionals instead recommend to limit or cease contact with NPD individuals.  (So your plan to limit your time spent with your mom is a wise choice! Don't feel guilty about doing so-- your own sanity and family needs to come first.)

Anyway, have a good night and take care!
Hugs!

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by GNicole, Feb 13, 2009
Cherie-thank you for your well wishes!

Seeingspots-Thank you so much for all of your help and understanding. I know it is going to be a struggle to not fall back into old habits. It will be a constant battle but I am going to try my best because like you said kids of NPD mothers have spent their whole life thinking that their behavior is normal. Thanks again!! Sending hugs right back! :)

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by 40smama, Feb 14, 2009
Greta - I'm joining the discussion a little late & i didn't get a chance to read every comment but it sounds like you've gotten lots of good advice and I'm thrilled to see that you had a kind of "epiphany" concerning good ol' Mom.  I've told you a bit of my own mother - who right now sounds like an angel, but you know how No and I've been really sick.  I asked her to come over this p.m. & watch Noah for a couple of hours so I could rest - she said no and then when I looked for other help, she said, "jen - I don't think you should have other people come over to play w/him while you're both sick."  Well, all I can say, is DUH!  Then get your @ss over here and help out!!!

Sorry to go off on a tangent - it sounds like you've worked things out and are at peace.  I'm proud of you!  Hugs, jen

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by GNicole, Feb 14, 2009
Thanks Jen!! My mom would be the same way!! And just an update-We had a little change of plans. I am hoping to only work 2 days a week next school year as long as my work approves it. It has always been my dream to stay home so I am praying it works out for us! Keep your fingers crossed!! Hugs!! Greta :)

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by GNicole, Feb 19, 2009
Once again I am very frustrated with my mother. I don't know what I thought would happen but I guess I didn't think she would "start-up" again for awhile. I thought I would get a break for a little bit. I am not sure if I am even going to work at all now next year because she is just so difficult. Shane would rather have me quit altogether but I don't know if I am ready to do that just yet. He thinks that as long as my mom is keeping Avery even if it is only 2 days she will always try to control our lives. I am beginning to think he is right. I am having such a hard time with all of this. It is very hard to "un-train" yourself from a life long pattern of negativity caused by my mother. Somehow, I always end up feeling guilty or like I did something wrong when in fact I have done nothing wrong. I truly believe she does have narcissistic personality disorder and their isn't a whole lot that can be done about it especially when most people that have NPD think they are normal.

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by GNicole, Feb 19, 2009
Once again I am very frustrated with my mother. I don't know what I thought would happen but I guess I didn't think she would "start-up" again for awhile. I thought I would get a break for a little bit. I am not sure if I am even going to work at all now next year because she is just so difficult. Shane would rather have me quit altogether but I don't know if I am ready to do that just yet. He thinks that as long as my mom is keeping Avery even if it is only 2 days she will always try to control our lives. I am beginning to think he is right. I am having such a hard time with all of this. It is very hard to "un-train" yourself from a life long pattern of negativity caused by my mother. Somehow, I always end up feeling guilty or like I did something wrong when in fact I have done nothing wrong. I truly believe she does have narcissistic personality disorder and their isn't a whole lot that can be done about it especially when most people that have NPD think they are normal.

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by mami1323, Feb 19, 2009
I'm so sorry Greta that you are going through this.  I guess we can only learn to be better mother's to our children.  I hope you find some peace in all of this.  I already told you that I think it's best to try and take some of that pressure off of your mother.  Perhaps she's overwhelmed by everything and has a hard time coping.  Who knows, what matters most is you and your family and your sanity.  Maybe giving up work temporarily will eleviate some stress that she causes on you.  I really wish you the best, it's a tough decision but I think you will make it work.

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by GNicole, Feb 19, 2009
Thanks Jezi as always for your kind words!

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