Dec 09, 2012
The past few weeks have been tough, but as the year is in its ending, I feel it’s time to throw away all the negative aspects of the year, there’s no doubt there’s been allot of pain, confusion, and heartache, and there’d been may times when I’ve wanted to end my life and put an end to it all...those thoughts have always been there, sometimes they’ve hidden in the shadows, but the main thing is not to give into them.
I’ve had many times this year when I’ve been confused of how I was feeling, that confusion lead me to falling into old self destructive behaviours, and doing things I wish I hadn’t...even re-engaging in a sordid relationship with somebody I thought I’d left behind years ago, it’s what I thought I wanted at the time, but now when I look back on it, I realise I was just trying to fill a void...fill the empty space that was left behind when somebody abandoned me, and even though it did fill it temporarily I quickly realized that it wasn’t what I wanted, and it’s not what was right for me, and it’s taken awhile to realise that...even though it felt good to have something real in my life again, it’s not the thing that I have been looking for...I’ve come to realise that when you’re at your most vulnerable, people will seek you out and exploit you...over the months ahead I’m gonna try put my life in order, the best I can, and focus on re-connecting with my family...I’ve made some big mistakes this year, and some of those mistakes have left me feeling black inside, it’s almost like I let the darkness back in, the cutting returned, and it’s gotten out of control again to the point I’ve had to re-engage with the psychiatric serves once again...I guess all those months when the darkness had gone, it wasn’t really gone, it was always there, I just was doing a better job of ignoring it than I am now...but I think that was just as destructive as the cutting is...I guess for now I feed to live with the dark thoughts, and try make friends with them, and feel some peace of mind again...whether that takes a month or a year I dunno, only time will tell.
One of the deepest lessons and most painful ones is that I don’t have to put up with being abused, manipulated, or humiliated anymore, I guess Karen taught me that, and even though things ended badly there, I will always remember the things we shared, and the things she taught me...i wish I could of put things right, but I guess things aren’t always meant to be...she had her demons, and I have mine.
This Quote is one I heard not long ago, and I will always remember it:
‘Don’t Lie To People Who Trust You, and Don’t Trust People Who Lie’
Today has been kinda a difficult day, full of somber thoughts about things that are passed, I’ve smiled, I’ve shed tears, but something’s needed to be laid to rest, so one can move on...I hope I’ve been able to do that today, and I hope I can heal and make a fresh start in 2013...even though today has been sad, I am able to smile, and I’ve realised there’s nothing more important than family, whether its dysfunctional or not, there the only people that matter...and I’m focusing on re-connecting with mine!