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i don't desserve this

Feb 13, 2009 - 7 comments

heaed ache







can hardly function. head hurts. eye hurts. hard to breathe. hurt to much to cough. day ruined. want to die. want morphine drip, wonder whst thats like. so tired, can't sleep. lke eye has heartbeat. i had plans dammit. make anniversary card, how will i do it in time? dollhouse on tonight, gotta enjoy it witjh him, like if buffy were new to us both. super depressed lately. closer to being able to shower on my own. got chair need hadn shower. took aloe and other stuff. drinknig water now.

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146298 tn?1258712247
by diemyn, Feb 21, 2009
i cant figure out how to use the mtracker adn i cant think rite now. like a ahdn is forcing me to the ground, but when i justlay on the floor i feel like it's not right, not gonna accept this weknwss, but then i try to get up and i try to tell myselef i'm pretendng its this bad. wish i was throwing myself around in my self pitying despair, but it's not that. no theatrics here. my eyes are really bad today, not hurt, but my vision is so blurry and im' near sighted normaly, but i tried to read my book and had to hold it farther away for the words to be in any focus. i hate thawt my eyes are bad more than anything ifeel crippled by my poor eyesight. i feel frugged, but i dont know many downer drugs or whawt drug this could feel like. just my head is fuzz y and it feels like i'm moving through thickness. and as always i think maybe this is just hat it's like to evolve and i'm fightin it like an idiot. i feel so tired one sec, then jhot, cold, and scared of whats going on, onlyh oping that my brain is fixing itself, not tearing my body apart. i've got the biggest lump in my throuat making it all hard swalliows. now i remeber last might; my head doing this swaig like it's too heavey to hold up. i sould kep better track o fthese things, but i dn't like to admit them, lik tothink that if i justpretend it isn't so it eont be btu it isn't working . my toe twitched eerily back and forth last night, like ticking, no pain, but whileil watched it move on it's own my lungs stopped, just deized and i scrambled for my inhaler. i used t several times to get okay. after id eatien and felt like winding down my whole body was tense, like some excitement was coming , but none was and the tension isn't like anything other than what it is, wshich i can't describe. my legs were twithcing and my arm flew up and then my eyes and all aoround my eyes just itched, crawling. i rubbed them til sean came over a frcd eyedrops in. Grim was lokin gast me wit a hot intensinty, lokinh right into my eyes like he saw etwas that wasn't me. i was watchin dead kenendys permform yesterday and my hearing cam ebck in my ear, but i hadn't known it was gone. toady the wole world is muflled. i think being a pool wpld feel good. that's odd, i hate pools. coloos confuse. the kesy area silver, but hey look black for sec, then i tho what is the lettering then if the keys are black, hen the leters vant be. and my mind shidfts back to seein gsilver. is this normal. am i okay. i wouldn't even know what to go to a doctor for. theser always just so much werong. different kinds of wrong. maybe its rally power and i ive forgoten to give it direction,.

604266 tn?1236358985
by Amphitrite, Feb 21, 2009
Things seem to have gotten really badly very quickly. I'm sorry you are having to go through so much right now.
Have they found any answers for you?

I notice you never talk about your spirituality anymore, can I ask why? Have you lost a bit of faith?
I've found that spirituality is so important during times of distress. Any spirituality, no matter what it is. But somethig bigger to believe in.

And just to ket you know...a mprphine drip, is no fun. You would get tired of it pretty quickly!! And that's coming from someone who lives in daily severe pain. ;Last time I was in the worst pain they gave my dilaudid and after three shots I said, no more because it hust strated to make me feel sick and too much constantly having pain meds pushed into my veins...!

It just amzes me how much of a change there has been in just a few months unless you just weren't talking about it back then. But i would think if things are getting so bad so quickly they'd be making sure to find out what it happening so they can either treat it or slow the progression down.

Maybe you know what's wrong and I've missed it??

I hope you feel better. You have alot to deal with, it can't be easy and I can imagine how frustrated and depressed you are. But don't forget about your spirituality. It;s what can help you make sure you keep hanging in there and holding on. Remembering that there are reasons for everything and theer is something bigger than us watching over us whatever that is for you.

Light and love


146298 tn?1258712247
by diemyn, Feb 22, 2009
I just wasn't talking about it. I tend to think that if I don't pay attention to the really bad stuff it won't be re-created in my future. I usually get neg feedback when I talk about my spirituality, but don't worry, I haven't lost it. =] I can't stay upbeat all the time, of course. Part of learning to balance oneself is accepting what you feel when you feel it. It makes it get over and one with faster too. I felt so terrible yesterady, but today I feel pretty good. I really believe it's because I acknowledged and accepted the bad time that it didn't linger. I'm getting a lot better at it too. At first I'd just keep doing what I wanted to and played thru the pain til the pain won the game. It was really hard at first to listen to my body and take direction. Mostly cuz I can't stand being inactive, ah ha ha. I still do silly things like fighting to stay sitting up on my own, cuz I just hate feeling like a sicky in my bed all the time. But fighting the reality of the situation does me no good. It's just been really hard for me to learn to accept weakness in myself. I know I'm going through this all for a reason and for the betterment of my true self, but the limited human in me gets whiny about it. =]  Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and love. Love to you.

751951 tn?1406632863
by PastorDan, Feb 22, 2009
Happy to read that today is a better day for you.  We'll pray that tomorrow is better still.

146298 tn?1258712247
by diemyn, Feb 22, 2009
Yay! i shall bathe in love today =]

604266 tn?1236358985
by Amphitrite, Feb 22, 2009
I'm glad today os better too. I'm glad you haven't lost your faith or spirituality. But forget what everyone else thinks. This is your own journal and you can write in it whatever you like. Even if you and I don't share all the same beliefs I still like reading about how you see things and what you believe. Not everyone is gonna agree with everyone but everyone hsould respect everyones right to believe what they want to believe and what they feel in their heart and soul is right.

Your beliefs remind me of my sisters I think and that's why I ;like reading about them, not to mention I just like hearing other peoples thoughts on spirituality anyway. But just they way you feel part of your BPD is a gift or brings with it certain gifts, she felt the same about some things she felt. She was a reallt special person. So are you.
So just pay no mind to any negative comments you get. On your own journal you can even delete them.

But maybe if you open up all of yourself, and don't hold yourself back here. Meaning when you write about a bad day and feeling sick you add in everything your feeling...maybe it will help. I know that's helpped me.
I hate being reliant on others because I'm so used to be independant. But for three years, maybe almost four now I've been bed bound for most of it and it's been really hard at time having to depend on my husband and family and friends..missing out on the things I used to do..missing just being free in my own body.
But I try to find something everyday to be happy make me happy and to be thankful for.
Myabe you do too.

Like for instance, today my pain is so bad I can't stand it. So I'm downloading music, some of my favorite songs going way back to when I was in middle school(yeah like that's so long ago) and it's something that making me a little happier. And I'm happy that I have someone to help me even though sometimes I feel embarassed to ask for that help. And that I have friends here who care about me.
Just little things that mean a whole lot. And after a while, those thoughts just become apart of my everday ones and then I find something new to make me happy while I have to be in bed.

I guess it sounds silly to people who can be more active to get so happy over downloading music, or ;playing a computer game or just watching a good movie. But whatever makes you happy, use it. I know you used to and you probably still do and just don't talk about it as much.

But never let anyone stop you from being who you are. Like I said, your a special person and have alot to offer people through ideas and friendship. Helping to find the positive in the negative.
And sometimes we need to just sit in the negative for a little while(talking more about myself), but when were ready to come out it's nice to have people who care about us and know were not alone on this path.
Wow can I ramble and change subjects like no other:)

Light and love


146298 tn?1258712247
by diemyn, Feb 23, 2009
Tee hee, I don't mind ur ramblings, Amph. =] I like to watch anime and just cartoons in general. My vision is not quite good and I have a hard time with live people and muted tones. Plus, anime has so much more to it than any of today's kids shows do. More heart, I guess. I'm watching Shugo Chara right now. It's about a girl who has a cool character, but she wants to find the strength to be who she really is. I can relate, ha ha.

And I think you are a special person and it's a true joy, this connection we've made. It is so hard to be in this boat of bedridden pain, but it helps to know I'm not alone in this, nor am I alone in finding happiness through it all. Some people I used to be friends with thought I was insane to be happy with life.

It's just been two years for me. I am in awe of your strength to make it through four. I'm having a hard time thinking right now, so you must excuse my babbling. Ummm, my heart reaches toward the light and I see you there too. =]
Take care.

Love and light,

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