Mar 11, 2008
Hi my angels,
I am 3 weeks tomorrow, I was sitting here and it hit me 21 days is 3 weeks WoW WoW Wow I thought 3 weeks ago I was going to die, I wanted to die. I feel WONDERFUL. now. I still have lots of ghost busting to do to cope with my hubby and babygirl's death and get down and depressed. I still somewhat blame my self for the horrible day I was stopped and got a DUI and my hubby came to get the car they insisted. He did NOT need to be driving he was a worse addict than me and had a defibrillator. I told them this and he had a wreck on the way home totalling the car 3 weeks later he was dead and my babygirl could not handle her Dad's death a month and a half later she was dead, yes I know the accident was because the cop insisted he come get the car dispite my protests, but still I take the blame if I had not taken the xanax it would not have happened and he might have lived longer and my babygirl also.. I did pass the cemetary today they are burried beside each other and I waved and didnt start crying for a change. BUT I didn't stop, that's when it really gets to me. I still don't have a marker on the graves yet hopefully I can soon. The VA hasnt sent his it's been 2 and a half years. BUT, not going to let depression bring me down. I have a wonderful guy who loves and supports me, and I think they would look down and say "GO live your life and be happy, we are very proud of you". I think she would say, Mom I am an angel now don't cry for me, just look up and call I am here, and so proud of you. What hurts is I can no longer touch her hand or her face. BUT i do have a song she did for a friend who died in Iraq and at the end she says rest in peace I love you shane. so I can hear her voice it gives me some comfort. I am working through my grief, SOBER for a change. I don't want to just sleep the blissful sleep of the pilled up dead, to forget or to deal with the grief. Thanks Angels for being here for me through this last 3 weeks I love all of you even though I have only been posting for 3 weeks. I am sorry for rambling but lots don't know my story. Thanks all for you love and support.