All Journal Entries Journals
Previous | Next

back to square one...

Dec 20, 2012 - 4 comments
Tags:

fanfiction

,

Addiction

,

Sexuality

,

masturbation problem

,

reading romance novels

,

Recovery

,

fan fic



I feel like I'm back to where I started.  I'm reading everything...fanfiction, fictionpress, and of course, starting on my masturbation routine once again. It's so hard to keep my hands to myself especially when I lie awake at night, and masturbation always helps me sleep.  I feel so guilty afterwards, but I try to convince myself that this is a natural bodily need and that I'm doing no wrong by, well, pleasuring myself.  

I hate this dependency towards it----towards this need to fill a void that is my usual everyday life.  It's like ever since I'd started reading romance novels and "smut", I compare my everyday life to it.  Obviously, it does not come up to par.  No one's life could possibly be as exciting as romance novels.  But this lust and as they call in the fandom "UST", drives me crazy and I always come back for more and more.  I want to stop.  It's controlling me.

It affects me in more ways than just my conscience.  I feel fidgety when I don't have my daily "intake" of smut.  When I do though, I can't stop for the rest of the day, or I feel like my head is in the clouds, replaying the fantastic scenarios (usually naughty) in my head.  I feel out of touch with my body and mind.  When I start to do my school work, I get bored and frustrated and I turn to fanfiction to comfort myself and to avoid this not-so-stimulating work that I believed I'm not good at.

I want to stop. But how? I want to say, for the rest of winter break, I want to stop this smut reading, masturbation, or any fanfiction reading.  Should I start restricting the amount of intake? to perhaps no more than an hour a day? Would that even be possible?  I feel like I have little self control.

I shall start by restricting the reading to no more than an hour a day.  No more.

FanFiction Addiction Recovery Tracker
Comments
Post a Comment
Avatar universal
by starfront, May 03, 2013
I hate it to break it to you, but I was exactly where are you are, and kept relapsing, but telling yourself "no more than hour a day" doesn't work. This behavior is addictive and I know personally that I tried moderation and it failed. If you try it, and it is successful for you, then that is great!! That would be awesome, but addicts cannot consume in moderation...unfortunately, we are not wired too, especially since like me your problems seem to bigger than just the stories themselves. Start by just saying 1 day. 1 day you will go without fanfiction. Maybe you could go to the grocery store or just run errands and get out of the house and say "1 day?" I hope this helps...

Avatar universal
by isomer, May 27, 2013
Just want to echo what starfront said. Like you, I read fanfiction and frequently masturbate to it. I had been clean for a couple weeks entirely, then allowed myself to read my not-so-favorite sites for a few weeks, then, this past weekend, had an enormous binge of all the sites I could think of, didn't leave the house, masturbated until I was sore, etc., etc.

In the past, I've been clean for over 6 months, and there have been a few periods where I was able to read just a few hours a week, sometimes without masturbation.  But those periods are utterly eclipsed by the times when I've neglected my friends, family, and professional and other obligations by spending hours, sometimes up to 12 hours at a stretch on a weekend, reading stories and, usually though not every time, masturbating.

This is the first time I've used a community like this to try to go cold turkey.  Based on my previous experiences, it's the best way.  Sorry I don't have much more advice at this point, but like starfront, I recommend getting out of the house!

Avatar universal
by caramocha, May 27, 2013
Hi isomer, starfront,

thank you guys so much for replying.  It's a great feeling when you know you're not alone in your problems.  I've been more careful now about going on the internet, and I've learned to look out for "triggers" that set off this habit.  For me, it's either boredom, low-self esteem, excitement, or a form of procrastination.  Also, reading about the problem helps.  This site is dedicated to helping people stop masturbation by looking at the root of the problem.  It's really a great site, and I recommend it to both of you, and everyone who shares the same problem: http://www.howtostopmasturbation.com/

It's strange.  Once I started learning more about why I masturbate, the more I am able to control myself.  It's probably because there's more self-awareness, and by learning about self control and how to control your urges instead of letting it control you------it's inspiring to know here is a way.  You just need discipline and self-control.  There are other ways too, like eating something when you get the urge, get up and do some exercise, etc.  It's a good site and it helped me stop this detrimental habit.

One last thing I want to impart here is that reading fanfiction, especially smut, and masturbating is NOT ok, even if everyone seems to do it.  The bandwagon fallacy is a fallacy for a reason and it can never justify an action.  It's not only harmful to your body (you will feel the need to get the "high" and have to have higher levels of stimulation in order to be satisfied) but also your mental health (detachment from intimacy, distorted views of relationships etc).  Emotionally, you'll also feel bored with everyday tasks and avoid socializing.  

Just think ladies (and gentlemen), is this the path you want to go down?  Is this helping you reach your goals and your dreams?  If not, you need to give it up, or watch your future go down the drain.  This is a drug, and it is just as addicting, as I'm sure you've all experienced.  One day at a time, just one day.  I'll be here to support anyone who needs help.

I'm a Buddhist and its teachings have greatly helped me as well.  Do you know that everytime you mastrbate, you waste your blessings?  Think about it, your body require so much food created from so much sweat and labor in order for all your body parts to function.  Our reproductive system is made to reproduce offsprings, but if we treat sex as recreation like we see on the media, we are not treating our body as it should be treated, that is, a fertile land that should be protected until the day that seeds will be planted and sowed.   We are wasting our energy needlessly when we orgasm, which is an important part of conception, and very powerful.  Don't you feel drained after an O? If you masturbate once or multiple times a week, think of the energy you're wasting, all that energy from the food that you eat, all the blessings of food from labor and sweat and sunlight is wasted.  Girls (and boys), treat your body right.  Love and protect yourself.  You don't need to masturbate.  You're much better than this.  Think of all the things you can do by not reading fanfiction and pleasuring yourself!  You can do anything!  The important thing is to get to the root of the problem.  masturbation stems from a mental need, need for affection or unfulfilled desires.  Learn and contemplate where your problem is, and take action!  We're all here for you.  There's another brilliant world waiting outside if you'd only shut off your computer screen.

Avatar universal
by starfront, Jun 09, 2013
I just read your comment and found it absolutely inspiring! So sweet of you to reply, so thank you for all of your words of wisdom and hope! This is excellent and I will definitely be keeping it in mind the next time I think about that. It's been an absolutely lovely week for me, but it's been even longer since the masturbation habit. I used to think that I was so alone in this, but I'm glad I'm not and I'm glad to see everyone in this community is strong and capable and helping each other with these problems! I am so proud of all of us for making this decision and I am so proud of everyone who has been able to succeed with this and I look forward to joining you in being a person who no longer consumes. Thank you so much, caramocha!

Post a Comment