I feel like I'm back to where I started. I'm reading everything...fanfiction, fictionpress, and of course, starting on my masturbation routine once again. It's so hard to keep my hands to myself especially when I lie awake at night, and masturbation always helps me sleep. I feel so guilty afterwards, but I try to convince myself that this is a natural bodily need and that I'm doing no wrong by, well, pleasuring myself.
I hate this dependency towards it----towards this need to fill a void that is my usual everyday life. It's like ever since I'd started reading romance novels and "smut", I compare my everyday life to it. Obviously, it does not come up to par. No one's life could possibly be as exciting as romance novels. But this lust and as they call in the fandom "UST", drives me crazy and I always come back for more and more. I want to stop. It's controlling me.
It affects me in more ways than just my conscience. I feel fidgety when I don't have my daily "intake" of smut. When I do though, I can't stop for the rest of the day, or I feel like my head is in the clouds, replaying the fantastic scenarios (usually naughty) in my head. I feel out of touch with my body and mind. When I start to do my school work, I get bored and frustrated and I turn to fanfiction to comfort myself and to avoid this not-so-stimulating work that I believed I'm not good at.
I want to stop. But how? I want to say, for the rest of winter break, I want to stop this smut reading, masturbation, or any fanfiction reading. Should I start restricting the amount of intake? to perhaps no more than an hour a day? Would that even be possible? I feel like I have little self control.
I shall start by restricting the reading to no more than an hour a day. No more.
FanFiction Addiction Recovery Tracker