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Being Honest With Myself

Feb 26, 2009 - 0 comments

I find it difficult to express feelings that I have. Brings back the memory of the days in front of the clock with dad (I think I was around four, dad would hold me in front of the cookoo clock and try to get me to learn to tell time, but he would sometimes be impatient with me about it, and emotional display wasn't in the cards). That lump in my throut swells and a tear may come close to falling, but I have this huge inability to just plain dump. You'd think by the age of 52 most people would do this (dump) but for me it just builds into an aura of emotional blah. Think sometimes in a flighty manner as well. Dont know what brings this on except for my past experiences as a trucker. The desire to move, see things, be out there. I miss my occupation. Back is shot! Will add more to this after slight nap.************************************************************************************************************************ Defiance, yes, is where I'm at when I go out and use alcohol. I dont know that it has maybe something to do with anger....? I know I'm alcoholic and yet, I still have times when I begin to feel it isn't so, that yes, I can drink like everyone else, like 'normal' people do. I need to be thankful for the fact that it has lost it's appeal as I've gotten older. I dont feel the 'need' to drink that I once felt. I know that if I continue to lack finding support realms, I will hurt even more. I cant live in a box....I need to get out and do...volunteer, go to church for a change, hit AA meetings. Not working has been a killer for me. I used to thrive on work. I dream about it often....sometimes not the best dreams, but the feeling of being useful, like I was detrimental to the operation of the company I was working for. Well, I need to do something here....about the tracker...I should be doing a hard copy version of it so either I make my own template or find one on the internet. The hard copy would serve the purposes of my therapist better I feel. Back tomorrow.

Mood Tracker
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