All Journal Entries Journals
Previous | Next

This isn't an attention seeking post, please believe that.

Apr 13, 2013 - 1 comments

suicidal thoughts


help me please






no support

Lately I've been in the worst mood I have ever been in my entire life.

It's not just depression. I've just been completely apathetic to everything. I couldn't care any less about anybody else.  I just feel as if I'm in this pit and I can't even hear anybody, so I don't care what they have to say. In a crowded room of people all I can hear is static and I just feel completely alone and I have never been so scared of existing in my own life.

It's gotten to the point where I've gone back to self-harming, and I honestly think that dying would be easier than this feeling.

My family doesn't understand a thing I tell them. They just act as if I'm the black sheep of the family. They don't listen to a word I say about trying to explain my bipolar disorder or my borderline personality disorder. I've tried so many times to explain it to them. I've printed out pages and pages of what it is, how to help support somebody with it, and why I act the way I do sometimes. They haven't read a word about it; they don't listen; they just yell at me when I'm in an agitated mood, and tell me to just get over it when I'm manic depressive. I can't just get over it. They don't support me in the slightest bit.

I feel as if my family doesn't want me around. They tell me all the time they don't. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so scared of living, and maybe death isn't so bad.

Post a Comment
Avatar universal
by evewisewoman, Apr 16, 2013
Hi ImagineDragon,

I just finished reading your comments. I know this much about you. That you're 20 years old. That you live in
California. My name is Eve (evewisewoman) . I'm actually a retired primary teacher. I am a new member of MedHelp
having joined in March. As a teacher, I am curious by nature. So I have a few questions to ask you . I hope you don't
mind. When were you diagnosed with a bipolar disorder and a borderline personality disorder ? Are you still living
at home with your parents? I know a little about a bipolar disorder. I know that with a bipolar disorder,  there are
basically two phases: depression phase, manic phase. A friend of my mother also has a bipolar disorder so I know
what he goes through based on what my mother tells me about how he is feeling at any given time. I also have a
friend of mine who is a teacher, she's not retired yet, who has a bipolar disorder. I know she takes medication for it.
Anyway, are you taking medication for your bipolar disorder? Just wondering. I will share with you the fact that I
take antidepressants to help with my tendency towards depression. I was in a depression about 12 years ago which
lasted more than 6 months. I had to take time off work to recover. Anyway, the reason I'm sharing this with you
is because I actually felt very similar things too while I was going through my depression. I was living by myself
at the time. I was a lot older than you. I finally got my family ( mom and sister) to believe the seriousness of what
I was going through, but it was challenging. Family support is so important. I know that firsthand. I wish other people
wouldn't say " just get over it". Anyone who says this, has never been in a depression. Anyway, my suggestion to
you is to make an appointment with your family doctor. That's what I did. My sister actually had to take me to the
doctor's office. Perhaps you have a friend other than a family member who could take you. My doctor confirmed
the fact that I was experiencing a depression. My situation was completed.  My doctor referred me to a psychiatrist to get the medication I needed and to be assessed. It sounds to me like you need professional help and professional guidance.
I live in Canada. I know you live in the U.S. Perhaps you could be treated as an outpatient at a nearby hospital.
Bottom line if you're self harming and having thoughts of suicide, you need to get some professional help and the
sooner the better. It may be that your family feels somewhat helpless because they don't know how to advise you
so that comes out in frustration which may present as being angry which of course, makes how you're feeling worse.
When I was in my deeprest depression I felt like I was in a pit too.  I didn't care about anything and everything was
an effort. I lost a lot of weight. I had to basically remind myself to eat. I couldn't hold a proper conversation. It was
a terrible experience. But I recovered and so will you. You're only 20 years old. You have your whole life ahead
of you. You just need some professional help. Don't see it as a weakness to ask for help. It's not. So take a
deep breath, and take the first step to feeling better. Make a doctor's appointment . Good luck. You'll be okay. :)

Post a Comment