May 31, 2013
We all write our hearts out on here, trying to stop someone from going back out only to find that their addiction has mentally caused them to already have gone out. It's just the formality of calling the dope dealer to complete the act of using. Sometimes their addiction will have them write something on here while in that mental state of "I'm about to go to the dope house". Lack of power is our dilemma. They're powerless, we're powerless to stop them...
That's how powerful our addiction is. It's sinister. It's amazing. I watch it working against our efforts on here every day. Our unconditional love on here for the suffering addict is an enemy of our addiction. It will try and analyze everything that we write to desperately help someone to not use. It will find the one sentence it can use to have it's negative way with that particular addict, and it then it will up the type size 60 points larger, and put that one sentence in extra bold type to get the addict's attention for sure. Our addiction even lurks at NA and AA meetings, especially with brand new people. We try and help the newcomer, only to see the newcomer's addiction quickly find some possible negative at the meeting and blow it into their ear. We never see that newcomer again.
Self respect is must to stay clean. If we don't love ourselves, It doesn't take much for our addiction to turn us against ourselves. Especially someone brand new who has been using for eons. Being clean is so different and hard for them to comprehend. We stop using and all our character defects that we regret, all of the past that we regret, and facing the future without our drug of choice to use for what we feel is comfort, (even though it will only last 5 minutes and deliver us days of misery) can easily overwhelm us. Our addiction is the ultimate master at taking advantage of that. It will nurture all that information into a disaster that can easily kill an addict before they ever have a chance to deal with trying to change themselves into someone they feel is worth respecting. If we don't respect ourselves, then we're eventually going to hurt ourselves over and over again. That's the insanity our addiction tries to bestow upon us every day. Working to completely change our thinking is the best answer to that.
Our addiction is ugly, and it wants to kills us by turning that fine line of willingness required to get clean into something negative until our heads are completely out to get our ***. A 20 year old H addict at my home group kept going back out and then getting the white key-tag of surrender at our meeting almost every Tuesday night. This went on for a few weeks until one day he got the urge to slam his car into a bridge abutment to take his life, and he did it. "Suspected suicide" the article said. I didn't realize it was him until I saw his obit in the Sunday paper that week. Many of us shed tears at our sharing circle that Tuesday and we only knew him for 7 weeks.