Apr 17, 2009
Since I've made it this momentous occasion of 2 years clean - I felt a journal entry was in order. It's officially been 2 years since the last time I got high. It still seems crazy even to me and I've lived it. Knowing what a hopeless junkie and powerful con artist I once was, really not that long ago, going to the woman I am today - it just proves that miracles do happen and that a power greater than us is at work amongst us. I remember so vividly, a little over 2 years ago right before my last stint in detox I said to someone that this was the end of the road for me. I was gonna try and get clean this one last time and if I couldn't do it I was going to end my life. Not wanting to live in the endless cycle of disappointment, shame and overall pain anymore. Everyone I knew had given up on, nobody trusted me, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror, just opening my eyes again every day was a nightmare. I didn't belong anywhere and had nothing even resembling a life. I was a zombie with no hope and no will to live, my only driving force to feed that monster living inside me. And for whatever reason, all the stars aligned just right, I finally heard what people with experience had been telling me all along, and I was motivated by this sick sense of desperation I'd never felt before. That desperation is what drove me for a long time. Unfortunately, that desperation also drove me into the loving arms of suboxone.... which I've had a love/hate relationship with (mostly hate), I do credit it for a portion of my success thus far (as well as STRESS!!) Many people frown upon my choice of recovery, many people even say I'm not actually clean, some have even had the ballls to question my motives, integrity and experience. To all of you haters who doubt me, call me names and try to put me down - you cannot damage my recovery and you will never damage me as a person. I did what I had to do to get where I am, and I will not apologize for being driven. My experiences have made me who I am and thanks to these experiences - good bad, otherwise - I now have the ability to help other people. All things happen for a reason and perhaps part of my purpose for going thru these things is to help someone else. I am not perfect, I do not have all the answers, helll I don't even have half the answers - I don't pretend to be what I'm not. I speak from my own experience and knowledge... love me or hate me, I'll still do what I do and anyone who doesn't like it... well you're just gonna have to deal with it!!
I still have bad days, I still get caught up in drama, I still wallow and throw pity-parties... being clean doesn't mean super-human or unaffected. Being clean means better able to deal with these situations and life in general. It means I can look at myself in the mirror now, I can fall asleep at night with a clear conscious and a clear head and I actually live now. Granted it's a low-key life! but after years of fast paces and constantly running and juggling - low key is nice!! I am nothing like the girl I was 2 years ago and the transformation, even to my eyes, is just nutty. And although my journey is still beginning, I've barely made baby steps out of the starting gate, I feel like I'm off to a pretty good start. With the continued love and support of my family, a belief in myself, and of course - my great friends here (love you guys!!) I know I will continue to grow and change into the woman I was always meant to be.
I've worked hard to get where I am and I paid alot of my dues early in life. I've learned many things, especially over the last year. Most importantly I've learned that things in life are transient. Problems, issues, drama, feelings, situations... it's all fleeting. And if we could all just slow down to see that... life would be easier for all of us.
I'm setting goals for myself this year - big and small - and I feel like I have learned the tools to be successful. I just need to put them to practice and maintain my focus. I'm proud of myself, and saying that is intense. I've done alot of growing up and learning about myself. I've always been a strong person to an extent but now I'm secure in my strength and even stronger. (Being able to say these things honestly is just nutty!) I know this year will be a struggle, my goal to be off the suboxone is very real and tangible... I know this will be a test. I plan to face it head on and plow thru like the pit bull that I really am! This situation is where my being head-strong will work to my advantage... finally!! lol This is my no bulllshit year and I know it will pay off.
...Love and laughter...
"After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles."