May 05, 2009
Not sure what I'm feeling today... been all over the place. Argument with a friend and unsure whether I feel bad about it because it has been a long time coming and I'm pretty much fed up with his attitude.
I feel bad because he hasn't necessarily done anything wrong today, I've been in a foul, irritable and agitated mood and I've taken it out on him, but the feelings are still there and had to come out eventually. Maybe the mood swings make me more honest with my feelings and not so much of an emotional pushover. That is another thing I am tired of. I'm tired of people emotionally blackmailing me, getting me to do things I don't particularly want to do because I feel obliged by some distorted primal sense of duty to those closest to me.
Anyway, now I've lost my train of thought... seems to keep happening lately. Memory is also ******... which is hard to do since I have an eidetic memory, and I've also noticed a dramatic decrease in cognitive abilities and my writing is terrible... I've had to re-write most of this journal entry.
Possibly hypomanic...racing thoughts have been keeping me up for a few nights and I feel like I'm speeding up again. Can't say that it is a particularly bad sensation but from past experience I know I can't let it get out of control.
Oddly enough, I don't necessarily feel hyper and I think it might possibly be because of the Crohn's disease. My theory is that since Crohn's causes fatigue and a lack of energy, it could possibly be keeping the mania under control as my body simply isn't generating sufficient energy. Whatever. All I know is that I've barely been able to eat and what little I am managing to eat isn't doing much good and doesn't stay in for very long.
What was going to be a simple entry of a couple of lines has turned into a rant. Oh well. Just shows the tangled web that is my mind. And I've just taken a sleeping pill, hopefully I'll be out before midnight as I need all the energy I can get because I actually have things to get done tomorrow.