First Entry

I have been on the forum for a while now, but I have never written a journal entry.  I guess I will tell you guys my story.  When I was 26, I had to have my tonsils removed and nasal surgery.  Before that time, I had never taken pain meds, even after having a C-Section, I just used tylenol.  Well, when I went for my 6 week check up with the nasal surgery I had polyps to develop and required immediate surgery so that I could breathe.  The doctor screwed up when he fixed my deviated septum and I had to have reconstructive surgery done.  Basically I had a bone graph done removing bone from the inside of my cheek to rebuild my septum.  Throughout all of this I was in a tremendous amount of pain.  I mainly only used the pain pills at night so I could sleep, but I ended up getting hooked on them.  

I worked at a doctors office so when my script ran out, I would take samples.  Then one thing led to another and before I knew it I was a full blown addict.  My boss caught me and insisted that I go for treatment.  I did and was doing great for about 10 years.  After my second child was born, I had a series of dental surgeries and got hooked again.  But this time it was more of a binge situation, I would only use if I had it.  I had changed occupations and the samples were not available for me.  I did some doctor shopping and got what I could, but that was a total nightmare.  One of the receptionists at a doctors office called child protection because of the way my appearance had changed.  I am the type of person who will not leave the house without all my makeup on and hair fixed to a "T".  During a few months when my addiction was so bad, I didn't care what I looked like.  All I could think about was getting the pills.  Anyway they investigated and determined that my children were in no danger, but that event scared me to death.  I have never felt so helpless or worthless in my life. While waiting for their decision I "fasted" and prayed for a solid week.  I looked like I lost about 10 pounds, but I didn't care about eating, I only wanted to keep my family together.

With the support of family, I was clean for years.  I had to have an emergency hysterectomy and was not able to sleep following it.  The docs gave me ambien and clonopin.  Well I got hooked on the sleeping meds bad,  I was doing things that were nothing like me.  My family noticed the changed and approached me about it and I decided something had to be done.  

On January 5th, I went to every doctor in our area and told them my situation and requested that no matter how much I begged, pleaded or what I said was wrong, do NOT give me a prescription for any tyle of narcotic medicine.    I have been doing really well, but I still "crave" them.  I am just waiting for that feeling to go away!