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i am still  mixed up

Sep 26, 2013 - 10 comments
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mixed

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ups

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Hope

,

gone



i wish i knew what to do.  everything i do turns out wrong. it is hard when i know i lost some friends.  i can understand.  but all i can do is appolize.  some days are so hard to get through.  i cant sleep i have been eating a little more.  why does god put people in such torment.  i have felt this way all my life.  was  too short to skinny, not popular and not a nerd.  just in the middle some where. never fitted in any where.  i am so tired. of life and all its problems.  wish living wasnt so hard.  i feel like a shell ofa person just waiting to die.  i don have too many feelings left.  i have grieved so much i dont think there is anything left. oh well  it is just me  so i guess it does not  matter. i hope all of you are doing better and your lives will get back to normal.  i am to old to go through all this.  you young people have a whole life waiting for you.  i have maybe hours, minutes, days but not much more. love to you all mandy876  chcha charlene

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Avatar universal
by sara12345, Sep 26, 2013
Mandy,
Sorry about your feelings.  If you don't know what to do, you could try just ONE of our many suggestions.  God helps those who help themselves.  You have to reach out to others besides your niece.  If not, you will always be lonely and unhappy.  

Some of us are not much younger than you are.  And I for one, am in constant pain and am disabled, but I reach out to others and am happy.  I have made peace with my life as it is.  

From what you have written, you have not always felt this way.  You said you had a good marriage and a wonderful mother. But we all have to move on. Now I celebrate everything that I did have with my mother while she was alive and I feel her presence whenever I think of her.

Keep up with your higher dose of Effexor.  Did you not do that?  The doctor said that you were better.  Good luck to you.  
Sara

Avatar universal
by mandy876, Sep 27, 2013
the doctor does not listen to me.  i am still on the lower dose of effexor.  my  computer is going in for repair.  it skips half the letters,  and inksdata keeps taking over where i want to go.  my mom knew they had not been here and wanted to change her will.  but in her state of mind it would not be right.  one night she said you know they should be helping you.  i told her we had each other we were going to be fine.  i was the one who had to tell her that i would be fine that she should go be with daddy he was waiting for her.  hardest thing i ever had to do.  i started crying i started to get up i was sitting on tthe bed by her she grabbed my arm and wiped my tears and smiled at me and we hugged.  she died a couple of days later.  i can not get past this i dont care what anyone says.  my heart is literally broken.  i was a mamas girl and i miss her desperately.  now what did i say or do wrong?

Avatar universal
by sara12345, Sep 28, 2013
Mandy,
I went over this with you before about your mother. She was so happy with what you said to her.  It was a kind, loving, supportive thing to say to her which she acknowledged by wiping your tears, smiling and hugging you.  She was going to die anyway and you gave her your blessing before she died.  Of course you miss her.  You didn't say anything that was wrong.  I said the same thing to my mother the day before she died and I feel good about it.  From crying, my mother then gave me the biggest smile and was finally happy.  

The dead are with us. I have proof of it, because when I talked to my dead grandmother, she gave me an answer that I wouldn't have thought of in a million years. It was an answer that so offended me that I never talked to her again.  When I told my mother, long before she was sick, she told me that my grandmother always had bad timing.  She believed it too.  So know that your mother is there with you, loving you and listening to you.  She knows everything that is going on with you.  

You need to increase your Effexor as the intensity of your emotions are classic symptoms of depression.  Please do that.  

I didn't get any emails that you had responded to me. That's a problem with this website. So if I've missed responding to other messages that you have sent to me, that is the reason.

You take care.  Your mother still loves you very much.
Sara


Avatar universal
by mandy876, Sep 28, 2013
to sara    yes i  will always love my mom  dad and  my hubby.   there is an emptiness that nothing can fill.  i think about all of them.  my mom was the last to leave.  i know my mom is here.  the first  time i went  to the store.  her perfume was so strong i had to roll my window down.  i feel her presence some nights when i feel lonely.  my daddy came to me the night after he died  it was a dream but so real.  i remember saying i knew you wouldnt leave me.dad said sugar he always called me that.  i  cant stay just wanted to tell you i love you.  take care of your mom.  i told him i would.  when my hubby died he came to me and kissed me good by.  that was so real.  i jumped up and ran through the home looking for him  some times i feel some ome sitting on the foot of my bed.  not sure which one.  i figure it mom.  she always worried about me.  thank you hope you are doing some better.  i am sorry you have to live with such pain.. wishi could help you.  love charlene

Avatar universal
by sara12345, Sep 28, 2013
Charlene,
You can feel better by increasing your Effexor.  I was nearly suicidal with my pain and not being able to do much of anything.  Increasing my Effexor saved me.  

You have had some truly amazing messages from your loved ones after their deaths. Few people get such experiences.  They are trying to tell you that they are with you. But if you have depression, nothing can help it, even if they were all alive.  You must increase the Effexor to help yourself and them.

I'll pray for you.
Sara

Avatar universal
by mandy876, Sep 28, 2013
sara  i wrote you it got removed.  i will try again.  losing my parents and my husband is what put me into depression,  i was happy until i got i  had cancer and chemo i was the one that should have died not mom and my husband.  my daddy had aready died with a slow death of cancer the people here have given me great ideas. but i am a quiet person and dont meet  people easily. besides im still have a problem with no car or bus service.  i should have had grief counselling.  i am grouped with people that have long time depression.  but i should have died after daddy died it was 2 years later.  i had a mascetomy.  never had the reconstruction surgery.  i am too old now.  i guess it doesnt matter.  my husband was in his 50s.  he smoked.  i sh i was a lively outgoing pthank you saaerson that never met a stranger like. my sister.   tammy and i are doing better.  she go on to the future/ i ask her what for.  she doest know she hasnt wanted to live since she was a teen. e is a person that is very hard to talk to you have to be careful how you words t  one word wrong and oops.  here she goes.   thank you sara  you take time to someone and youre in pain and care about others.  you are one very special person.  i admi.  its takes a lot of couragee and everything for you to be still so thoughtful to everyone else.  i love you  charlene

Avatar universal
by hopefulforfuture, Sep 29, 2013
Mandy reading your letter i paradoxically found some positive elements in it inspite of your "old age "  The point is at 40 and single i feel so old and lonely  . And seeing some positive elements in your letter inspite of your challenges give me hope that its "depression " which needs treatment not the "old age "  NOBODY IS OLD


sara is very good and supportive . And mandy thinking that others are sooo young and i am too old is a symptom of depression .. Black and white thinking or something its called ...

Dont know if my point is clear ... My best wishes



Avatar universal
by mandy876, Sep 30, 2013
to hopefulforfuture  thank you.  ou have a pupose to keep on living  my life is gone,  i missed out on all m chances.  it is to late for me.  you get well and make something of your life.   arthritus is horrible and i see nothing to look forward to.  just doctos that dont care.  if i can be of help to the ypunger people maybe tthat is somehing i have to look forward to.  mandy876

Avatar universal
by sara12345, Oct 02, 2013
Yes, hopefulforfuture is right.  What you are saying is from your depression.  It's hard for you to realize that since you are so depressed.  Again, increase your Effexor, as long as the doctor has approved you doing that.  If not, call his office and ask if you can increase it.  You don't have to necessarily see your doctor for them to increase the dose.  And if that doesn't help you, you should try a different anti-depressant.

But there is no way around your difficult situation with your bipolar niece.  That in itself would drive most of us to depression.  Keep asking her for her help with things, including driving you places.  She may complain, but it should also give her some self-esteem to know that she is contributing something.

And I think that you do need grief counseling which should be available at no charge in your area.  Call the County office and ask them.  Or call your church for help to find out.  If you didn't give so much money to your niece and her daughter, you would have plenty of money for a taxi cab to go to the counseling or church or wherever. Again, ask your niece to drive you to things.  She should do something for all the free rent and food and everything else.

I do wish you the best. You are still reaching out to others, so you have not given up completely.  I'm so glad about that.
love, Sara  

Avatar universal
by mandy876, Oct 03, 2013
hi sweetie  everything isgoing gret so far.  called my doctor he was closed today,  they will be on  9/15 tomorrow,  i am going to get an appointment with a colon doctor my side  has been hurting for a couple of weeks.  and see if my doctor will  up my effexor again,  tammy got her job back at the same walmarts.  she is so happy.  her  orientation is saturday.  morning.  she got approvd for JPshealth insurance we find out what doctor she will have on the 5th,  she goes for  a complete checkup for $5.00.  we need this help.  her daughter came over yesterday we bought her a birthday out fit.  jeans and 2 really cute tops and a belt.  she said she will come see us more.  everything is looking better.

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