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anticipation

Oct 10, 2013 - 0 comments
Tags:

hydrocodone

,

pills

,

Anxiety

,

hydrocodone withdrawl

,

hydrocodone detox

,

detoxing

,

lortab

,

I need help

,

Depression

,

scared

,

lortab withdrawal

,

tomorrow

,

alone

,

withdrawal



I am greatly anticipating what will come tomorrow, my first day of detox. Although this isn't my first detox, it is my first from hydrocodone. It feels just as scary as the first time. I really just don't understand why I did this to myself again. I was clean and sober for a year and a half. I did not even drink. I keep trying to figure out what went wrong, but I cannot figure it out. I just want to be okay and happy. That is my prayer everyday, "God please help me to be okay," Then I was trying to think back to when was a time in my life where I was okay and I could not think of one. It makes me really sad to realize that I have never really been okay. That is the only thing I want. I would give up anything to have that sense of contentment and self-awareness. I understand that bad things happen to people everyday and I am no different than anyone else nor do I not deserve to be prone to trauma in my life. I just wish I was a stronger person to have been able to deal with it in different ways than I chose to. Why can some people have the same exact terrible things happen to them, yet they don't choose to repeatedly take it out on themselves in every way possible? Yes, I was abused by others. However, I have been abusing myself for the past 10 years...and for this, I am the only one to blame. I just want to know why my brain and my heart could not love myself more than those other people did. Why do i not value myself? I know I am worthy, because we are all worthy. I can type that here and now, but I never treat myself that way. I never put myself first and I constantly degrade and devalue myself. I do this in more ways than just abusing pills. I just get so sad. I have a strong longing to want to understand the world around me and understand the hows and whys. Why are so many people so bad? Why do all these bad things happen? I can never understand. I can never find the answer. When I see bad things happening in the world, even when it has not directly happened to me, I get very sad. I am saddened by the state of humanity. I feel the world is a scary and bad place. I sometimes wish I did not have to be part of it. The pills are an escape for me to block out the world around me and to be numb to it. I just hope I can do this. I hope I can be strong enough

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