Oct 27, 2013
A lot of ideas, plans, prospects, and which way to turn is going on in my mind on this particular day. My boyfriend wants me to move in, but I've been coming up with excuse after excuse to prolong me moving. One of my reasons for doing this is because deep down inside I feel if I give up my house and move in then I won't have nowhere to run if things go wrong between us. I usually look at the silver lining, but most of the time I'm a pessimist waiting for something bad to happen. I can't help but feel as if I need a way out, a place to run to for safety. These are all fears that I have brought out of myself with the "what if" thinking that I know isn't the right thing to do. I know this man loves me and I know he has my back. He has shown me time and time again that he has my best interest in mind. Letting go and trusting him has been difficult for me. Why? Because in a way I don't trust no one but God himself and if I let my guard down I fear being hurt again. As look over my life and what I've accomplished and where I'm heading in the future, things can only get better if I accept his help. But apart of me is saying if I allow myself to be dependent on him, it makes me vulnerable. It's like bracing for a punch in the face, anticipating the pain and shock of it all, when there is a high chance I'm not even going to get punched. But the prospect of it all is frightening. I want to let go and trust in God that he is what I need at this very moment in life, but I can't seem to let go and be myself. He knows me like the back of his hand. he knows I have a problem with depression and anxiety. He knows what quitting cigarettes would do to me, since I've been dependent on it for so many years. And yet this man is willing to stand by me and go through it with me literally. He quit smoking some 4 years now and started back just so we can quit together. Who does that??? He knows it will improve my life and ultimately it is best for this child that I want so desperately want to have. To find someone to accept me for who I am, flaws and all, is absolutely amazing. The only person who is coming in between this relationship and how this works out, is me and I know it. I'm so afraid of messing this up it's ridiculous. I want to free fall, knowing he'll be there to catch me. Letting go of all my apprehensions, worries, and fears.