May 29, 2009
Every time I think that my husband understands somewhat about this stupid disorder - he pulls one of these. "We need to get you out of this bad mood." WHY DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THE "MOOD"!?!?!?!? Which I have tried to explain that it isn't a "mood" at all - it's a state of mind - not a mood that happy thoughts will lift you from.
I don't choose the down periods - and I SURELY don't choose the rapid cycling. My doctor has increased my Lamictal to 250mg and it's made me a bit b*tchy, but right now I am rapid cycling between my mania and depression. At the state I am now - I would usually just isolate myself away from everyone and wait for it to lift. Now that we live in the same house - I don't have the ability to isolate and it drives me CRAZY!
It gets so old to have people peering at you (and granted I might be having a tad bit of paranoia) and trying to fix you.
NO! I can't pull myself up by my bootstraps - NO, I don't WANT to be depressed - NO, I don't want to isolate....NO, I don't want to have the racing thoughts - I DON'T CHOOSE TO BE BIPOLAR!!!!!!!!! I AM SO FRE*AKING SORRY THAT MY ISSUES ARE INCONVENIENT!!!!! IT WAS NOT MY CHOICE TO BE THIS WAY!!!!