Nov 18, 2013
I know no one reads these things. I know I can't post what I am about to write on FB, or any other source that may possibly be linked to my colleagues, but feel the need to vent. To get it out. All the frustration, annoyance and low sense of self-worth that I feel on a daily bases due to my masochistic urge to obtain a f&^&*@ doctorate degree. I am stuck in a suck-fest of political ******** and repression. For what?
I am exhausted, under-appreciated and broke, with one-year old twins. My husband is now employed and, while he is busy, I still am the one who has to get on my hands-and-knees to clean the floors in the kitchen and bathrooms, and then work on psycho-educational reports for a boss who suggest I take medication for being a scatterbrain. Typo's, um, yep. Missing deadlines...sounds par for the course. I really don't want to apologize for my academic performance.
Where are these women who have help? Women who have friends offer to come over and do the dishes? Or women whose mother's don't disappear for two months after their children are born, who dont even call after theyve been re-hospitalized for a massive infection. Do they exist? Are they as rare as the elusive unicorn? Or, is there something wrong with me? It IS just me and my husband. Granted, we are being help financially for part of our expenses so that helps tremendously, but I think my ex got it right - have a ton of friends, drink beer, chain-smoke and do what ever the hell it is that makes you happy. That sounds really good right now.
I am always bitching at my husband. I am mean to him. Granted he nags at me, all the time. But, I am never happy, and I am always tired. I hate grad school. The sheer irony is that I am in the field of psychology so you would think that I would have the tools to help myself feel better. However, while I love my children, being a homemaker is significantly harder. Truly, it is. I was happy to go back to school, but this year (my final academic year) has been much harder than the previous ones. And, don't tell me it's the kids. They add a component, yes, but really they are the reason I dont quit...because I cant tell them to complete something when I, myself, was not successful. Urgh. Please, I need this to be over with soon!