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Nov 18, 2013 - 3 comments

I know no one reads these things. I know I can't post what I am about to write on FB, or any other source that may possibly be linked to my colleagues, but feel the need to vent. To get it out. All the frustration, annoyance and low sense of self-worth that I feel on a daily bases due to my masochistic urge to obtain a f&^&*@ doctorate degree. I am stuck in a suck-fest of political ******** and repression. For what?

I am exhausted, under-appreciated and broke, with one-year old twins. My husband is now employed and, while he is busy, I still am the one who has to get on my hands-and-knees to clean the floors in the kitchen and bathrooms, and then work on psycho-educational reports for a boss who suggest I take medication for being a scatterbrain. Typo's, um, yep. Missing deadlines...sounds par for the course. I really don't want to apologize for my academic performance.

Where are these women who have help? Women who have friends offer to come over and do the dishes? Or women whose mother's don't disappear for two months after their children are born, who dont even call after theyve been  re-hospitalized for a massive infection. Do they exist? Are they as rare as the elusive unicorn? Or, is there something wrong with me? It IS just me and my husband. Granted, we are being help financially for part of our expenses so that helps tremendously, but I think my ex got it right - have a ton of friends, drink beer, chain-smoke and do what ever the hell it is that makes you happy. That sounds really good right now.

I am always bitching at my husband. I am mean to him. Granted he nags at me, all the time. But, I am never happy, and I am always tired. I hate grad school. The sheer irony is that I am in the field of psychology so you would think that I would have the tools to help myself feel better. However, while I love my children, being a homemaker is significantly harder. Truly, it is. I was happy to go back to school, but this year (my final academic year) has been much harder than the previous ones. And, don't tell me it's the kids. They add a component, yes, but really they are the reason I dont quit...because I cant tell them to complete something when I, myself, was not successful. Urgh. Please, I need this to be over with soon!

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Avatar universal
by Ellen038, Nov 18, 2013
There's. Itching wrong with you. It sounds like your mom and mine are a lot alike unfortunately. Every time I've really needed her she never offers help. When we announced our pgncy the beginning of Oct we hadn't talked for over a month! She was mad at me because my neck and arms hurt so bad I wouldn't go to lunch with her. She still hasn't talked to me and sometimes I feel like I am better off. It's too bad we don't have a good relationship, she's the one to blame here.  As for friends that help out. I don't have any of those either. They want to be involved in the easy positive things in my life but are also never around when you really need them.

Your boss sounds like an a$$ for even saying something like that to you. I'm sorry your having to deal with an insensitive jerk! I know this year can't be easy for you. I hope that once your finished with school things get better all around for you. I know it will relieve a lot of pressure on you. Sending hugs, strength and prayers your way that things start to look up very soon!

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by hepD, Nov 18, 2013
Thanks for posting, Ellen. Yeah...I love my mom, but it always seems her love is conditional. We have been doing better, but I dont know if I can forgive her for what she pulled. She doesnt remember.

I suppose we have to remember their limitations and try to be better mothers ourselves.

How is the pregnancy treating you?

Avatar universal
by Ellen038, Nov 19, 2013
*nothing wrong with you. Damn auto correct!! Anyways, I'm sorry she's like that but maybe it's made us (you and I) more responsible dealing with parents this way. I hold a lot of resentment and our relationship is toxic but that's a whole other rant on its own. I would like to think you and I have learned some vital skills in becoming parents....we certainly know what NOT to do.

We are good. Still on bed rest but hoping to get more answers on the 25th and 26th. Maybe I will be released to light activity?? Hope so. Making it this far feels like I'm in the best dream of my life :) she will be here before we know it!!

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