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I cant live like this anymore..

Dec 23, 2013 - 0 comments




Morning time is usually when I'm at my worst. My brain feels like mush; I can't focus or concentrate on anything. Literally. I barely have enough energy to get ready for the
day. That is when I'm most vulnerable. Sometimes I cry for no reason. The best way I can describe it in a relatable way is this: for most people, they feel tired and maybe foggy when they wake up. But they shower and get dressed and they usually feel more refreshed and awake. For me, I feel the same after I'm showered and dressed as I do when I first wake up in the morning. Though I still probably feel worse than the average person. After I eat breakfast, I still feel weak tired though it's not quite as overwhelming.  When I attempt to focus, it's like I'm staring a hole through whatever it is I'm trying to focus on. It becomes blurry and then I just find myself staring at it. No matter what I do, I can't focus. My eyes will get heavy and lifting a muscle is difficult; sometimes even a lost cause. I feel like this until an hour after I take my Vyvanse because that's how long it takes to take effect.
      When I feel the effect after an hour, I begin to focus, feel energetic, and just happy about life. I begin to think about all of the things I have never been able to do due to my lack of energy and concentration and am ready to get all of them done. I also want to learn everything I can. It is full force for about an hour and a half. Over the next hour and a half, I begin to feel the slow decline. I can still concentrate and feel good but as more time passes, the more I can feel it slipping away. I begin to feel worse and helpless because I can feel the good feeling slipping away and I know that there is nothing I can do to stop it. I just wish it would last longer.
      As the rest of the day ticks by, my energy and focus decrease more and more until there is nothing left. Sometimes I feel the urge to focus on something, but whenever I try, I just completely lose interest. Other times, I can't even gather enough energy to do it. When evening and night come, I feel very similar to how I felt that morning before I took it, only I feel cranky and irritable. Sometimes I get the "skin-crawling" sensation. I get mad and upset for little or no reason. Most of the time, I just want to cry myself to sleep. Some nights I sleep, other nights I don't. When I don't get any sleep, the vulnerability and just about every bad emotion I have multiplies, especially the irritability. I just want to disappear from the world.  At night when I can't sleep, I can't get the energy to get out of bed, so I toss and turn all night, making me frustrated, angry, and even more irritable and I just don't know what to do with myself. I usually will end up falling asleep between 5 and 6 am., so I do get a few hours. Then a new day begins and the cycle repeats itself.
     There are things that I have done in hopes of making myself feel better... I've tried the diet and exercise approach. I've experimented with multiple diets such as gluten free, strictly fruits and veggies, and other similar to those. I've also adopted regular exercise routines; I could tell very little difference that wasn't worth continuing with the schedule. I've also tried mediation and yoga. I did yoga on a regular basis and meditation every night. It helped with stress and keeping me calm and level-headed during stressful situations but it didn't make me feel better as far as energy or helping me feel better in general. I've also tried hypnosis and binaural rhythms. Again, both helped very mildly, neither being extremely effective. Lastly, I have experimented with multiple supplements. Some have made more impact than others and I continue to experiment with them. However, none have made a huge difference. I don't think I'll be able to name every single one that I've ever tried, but I'll try.
Vitamins: B complex, Calcium, B 12, Niacin, D, C, multivitamin, fish oil, omega 3
Minerals: Tyrosine, Phenylalanine, L-Dopa, Coenzyme 10, 5-HTP, Tryptophan, Chromium, Magnesium, L-Carnitine, Theanine, Taurine
Herbs: Ginseng, Green/Black Tea, Lemon Balm, Peppermint, Dandelion, Rhodiola, Ginger, Yerba Mate, seasonings (sage, thyme, turmeric, curcumin)
I also experimented with peppermint and lavender essential oils
I've also tried talk therapy, art therapy, light therapy, and most other therapies.
I have also tried other medications such has Prozac, Lexapro, Ritalin, Wellbutrin, Lunesta, Trazadone, Abilify, Adderall and some others but I didn't feel the effect was worth the health risks so I stopped everything except Vyvanse.

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