Well, once again the journal entries are far apart.  To me that is very good.  I only tend to keep a journal of anysort when my life is hard.  Just dont think of it otherwize.  Today is December28, 2011.  I got to go see a cowboy game in Arlington, Texas on xmas eve. .   Had to suck on tissue and stuff tissue balls in my ears it was SO LOUD!.  Not the crowd but all the Advertizement flashing lights and music and the loud stadium announcer.  I thought that alone would kill me, but I took a couple of tylenol and was ok.  I went to my inlaws for xmas day and it was different.  I havnt been there in a year and everyone just seemed quiet.  worn out from the world.    There is ususally a lot of cooking homemade dishes, big turkey,  lots of pictures taken.  Only store bought food suff like mac and cheeze and potato salad in a bucket.  Just different.   everyone is getting older and the grandchildren are to lazy to cook and clean and take over the roll so it is coming to an end somewhat. Hubby  Kenn did stuff some mushrooms.   We are down in the country now and I have just been able to relax, sleep, eat,  I did tell Kenn I wish I could be put to sleep until the treatment time was over.   He said He wished I could be too!  LOL  but we are all hanging in there.   Lets see I  this Friday will be shot  34/48.  The 30's are going slow even though time seems to be moving fast.  Seems like I was on week 32 for a month.  I  I kept adding wrong.  

I havnt entered in my journal lately.  There really hasnt been to much to write about.  I have had several weird experiences just in every day life.  (making suggestive tongue movements to an idiot that pulled out in front of me in traffic.  After he flipped me off.  I have never done anything like that before.  Followed an elder man in his truck thinking he was a missing senior. totally freaked him out and the police sent a cruiser over and probably busted him for drinking and driving.   It wasnt the missing elder.   just things like that .  My hgb is hovering around 11.  So I have been mucking through.  My hair is pretty thin.  I had to miss a special evening  event  the Anatole in Dallas which is a very swanky hotel, because When I went to find something to wear (blk tie affair)  I looked pretty good in a size 10 havnt been that in a long while, but my skn was all saggy and I looked like muck from the neck up .   I thought, what the hell Am I doing?   I called and cancelled.  (my husband was happy about that.  I dont think he wanted to chaperone a bunch of choir boys singing at the event and dress up in a suit.   Im pretty sarcastic most of the time.  I got so sick of my boys coming into my room un announced that I actually jumped out of the bathroom in my birthday suit with a screech and in ninja  attack mode.  I scared my son so bad he'll be scarred for life.  (maybe he'll knock next time)

Today is Monday.  OMG! I can hardly stand it!!     Friday before shot time Im out all day, drive the kids to parties , get home at 11:30pm. Do my shot, go to bed.  Saturday, Out running around all day. am Im fine. However, going into Sat night I can hardly carry on a civil conversation  without being total a$$ which is a frequent occurance.  I am fine when Im alone)    Sunday, cant get out of bed.  I have to take a tramadol for pain and then have to take a lunesta because I cant sleep.  I worry if I will overdose but by that point I dont care.  Today I stay in bed until I have to get up at noon.   Go to a clients house and do my thing there, straightening , cleaning and making sure all is good with My lady.    This is the couple where they are both 93 years old, been married for 73 years.  She is not doing well, on hospice. He wasnt in the room when I got there.    He comes back from his dinner and I tell him I'll be back in the am to do all the laundry.  Then He has to tell me  that he wont need me right now for a while.  ( he has people coming in and out all day right now) The look on his face, the tears in his eye, he didnt want to hurt my feelings.  I just dropped down to him next to  his wheel chair.and was saying oh no, dont worry about me, Im fine and happy that everything is taken care of, please dont feel bad,  I'll be around when you need me  things like that.   Before I could get my self out of there   I just cried like a babbling idiot in front of him, his wife, his daughter (that is in her 60's) and the lady that comes to stay at night.  trying to cover up by saying Well, I cry at mac Donald's commercials.. and other stupid things.   I felt so badly for him because this was hurting him!  They tell me everyday how much they love me and they are so happy to see me.  
I probably made him feel worse, which made me feel terrible and cry more!  No matter what I did I couldnt pull it together.   Then I went to a choir concert and cried my eyes out the whole evening.  We had to leave early.    What a mess!  

Well, I am taking Lunesta now at night around 8 pm so I make sure I dont stay up to late.  It is working pretty good.  Dont feel  side effects the next day from it..  Not that I leap out of bed or anything but it is not effecting me like the xanax.  Today is Sunday .    I was feeling pretty good but now am achey and puny.  Im beginning to just laugh about laugh at anything because it is all seems so ridiculous.  I volunteered to help at a school function at an air show.  I just found out to day what I will be doing.  Selling programs.  Carrying 100.00's of dollars in cash on me.    I laughed so hard I peed in my pants!   Me, handling someone else's money? This ought be be real insteresting!   I went out last night to see a friends daughter perform at a country music review place here in texas.  I didnt realize I was going to run into a bunch of people I hadnt seen in a while.  I really tried to make myself look presentable.   The only problem was when ever I opened my mouth, the cat jumped out of the bag.  mumbling, stumbling, getting names wrong,  laughing at bad jokes out loud, the whole nine yards!  Saying irrelevant things totally off topic  in a conversation.   I couldnt believe it!  I felt like a real Humpty Dumpty !  I think I'll take Dee 1956 approach and try to stay indoors as much as possible so as not to be misunderstood.    LOL LOL LOL!   My friend asked me to bring my video camera.  I told her, you are asking a goof ball to do this you know.  I was all ready to go and when the daughter came out i didnt push record.  I think Im taping and when I realize half way through, I was so upset, I couldnt even find the record button.  I had my son tape the next set when she came out and the day was saved.  Lordy Lordy.  The week has just begun.  Next weekend will be bittersweet since I was so sure that would be the end of treatment for me...  Keep on Truckin right?   I did check this 10 times fors typos