I've had a pretty good day.  I had a decent appointment with Kristen, talked to J, found a lot of stuff I needed at Wal-Mart that was massively reduced because no one can afford anything with today's economy, made a great deal with an antique dealer (who said I was the most beautiful girl he had seen and that I was very, very nice), found an effing DREAMCAST for $20 (if you don't know what I'm talking about, it's an old video game console and a good deal, even though they're pretty old, is about $50), AND Dreamcast games for chhheeeaaappppp.  

Yesterday I was discouraged and depressed because I haven't been sleeping since forever as well as gaining three pounds in the last two weeks.  But today made up for it.  Since I got home, I haven't done anything except write Susan a ridiculously long email.  It's 10:30-ish PM.  I should have taken my medication at 4PM because while it's supposed to make me sleep within 3 hours, I don't sleep at all.  I tried taking it at like 6 the other day and I didn't go to bed until 5 AM.  Then I kept waking up ... it was like laying in bed with my eyes closed but conscious of what is going on.  So I was tossing and turning and then I woke up at 7 AM.  So it's been a real blast ... but today was beautiful out.  I was actually outside!!!  I'm never outside when I want to be because I'm so down.  I have to say that today was pretty good.  I need to eat something, wash my face and then I'm going to happily lie down, despite whether I'm going to actually fall asleep or not.

I'll probably be back in a mood tomorrow unless something miraculous happens.  So, expect me to still be in my manic episode, extremely depressed - more so than usual as well as more so than usual apathetic.  And ... other stuff like psychotic, delusional, etc.  But for now.  I'm tickled pink, but it's fading fast so I'm going to end here so I can pretend that at least one entry I write wasn't completely grim.

Why can't I get past 30 lbs?  I gained 3 lbs these last two weeks.  Ugh.  It took me forever to get to 30 lbs. and now I'm back at 30 lbs. instead of 33 lbs.  This is frustrating.  I'm so tired.  It seems like it's dark before I can get anything done - no matter how early I "wake" up (aka get out of bed because I'm not actually sleeping).  There were way too many people at the meeting today.  I couldn't stay.  

So here I am.  I need to organize some paper work and then hopefully I'll be able to finish organizing my computer stuff.  All I have to do now is put cardboard up around it so if Ed comes running in my room to hide, she can't mess the cords up like she used to.  As a kitten, I tried everything to get her as comfortable as possible.  One of the tried methods was keeping her in my room, litter box, food and all.  However since she was so tiny, she would either get under or behind things.  Since I don't really have anything in my room, the only place she could hide was behind my computer desk.  I eventually had to build a cardboard wall around it.  Even though she's a lot bigger now and she may not be able to fit back there, I'm sure she'd find a way to squeeze herself in if she's really scared.  

I have all the cardboard out.  I'm just so exhausted.  It's about 7 pm EST.  I think I'm going to take my medication around 8 PM and try to relax.  Most likely I won't be able to sleep.  I know part of medication's success is having the right mindset, and I'm trying, really.  But this is such a pain.  I'm just glad I don't have any super important things to commit myself to right now.  It's hard, yanno?  I can't say it enough, but this just isn't life.  I'm not living - I'm maintaining, anticipating when this episode is over and when it's going to happen again.  Being scared of everything all the time, drugged up, isolated, etc. just isn't how it's supposed to be.  

Abby got into a mood during the movie.  I was really annoyed because she and The Other weren't paying attention.  I don't know how to go about their relationship.  She completely disowns people who really haven't done any harm to her.  In fact, all of her ex-boyfriends were starry-eyed by her.  Some couldn't handle her, some did, etc.  But in the end she always blames everyone else.  It's never her fault.  

For example, Dan.  Dan is a pretty decent guy and I know that he loved Abby very, very much.  But what does she do?  She goes to Mexico, California, and Italy with some other guy and while she was seeing Dan, apparently she would frequent here and see The Other.  While she said she wanted space to think about their future, I had a dream of her arrival and what I believe really happened.  She didn't take a break from Dan - she destroyed him, hates him now even though he never, ever did anything wrong to her, and cheated behind his back.  She makes these people disillusioned into thinking she is their world.  Then she breaks their hearts and moves on to another victim.  Even though she and I know how much Dan really cared about her and how much he had done for her, she still blasphemies his name.  I never liked Dan, but he certainly does not deserve that.  I wish I could reach out to him and tell him I'm sorry.  

A lot of her ex-boyfriends had a lot in common with me.  Abby is a conformist.  Her identity crisis is similar to mine, but on a different level.  She will never know herself because she has never taken the time to accept her reality.  Instead, she fills her life with boys and whatever that boy has to offer.  There was a guy named Ryan and he was into punk, so therefore Abby was.  Dan was into spinning, thus Abby was as well.  She will never know who she is, and that's part of life - trying to figure out as much as you can before you die.

I on the other hand struggle with my reality and am trying to deal with the things that have never been dealt with for the last 23 years.  I was never a kid.  I had no childhood, and it's frustrating that I have to take on the responsibility of maintaining the fact that my brain is basically effing with me.  Not only that, but the troubles that come with age, gender, race specifically, income, long term goals; the future.  How do you do that?  How are you supposed to take care of what hasn't been taken care of for 23 years plus the "normality" of being 23?  

Everyday is discouraging.  I'm a very sensitive person.  You wake up and ask yourself what the day is going to be like - I, being disassociated with myself take the apathetic approach.  I expect nothing good or really bad; what happens, happens.  Sometimes I anticipate the dread of the mundane, but my days consist of the fluctuation of catatonia to stay "sane" and all the disorders I have rolled into one.  I'm very tired.  Very, very tired.  I don't like where I am, but my options are limited.  

Honestly, I don't want to have anything to do with anyone.  Do not take this as a sign of suicide, but I've never been a materialistic person.  Sure I had fun hobbies which consisted of seeking out and collecting antiques, like typewriters, sun glasses, trinkets, especially ones that involved elephants, owls, birds, etc.  But I'm trying to separate myself from these things.  I spend less and less time being involved in basically anything.  The computer annoys me ... I feel like everything has been exploited.  People ***** themselves out on personal websites, whether it's with photo shop photos in the bathroom, blogs that you explicitly know people will read and it will make them feel like poo, or dating sites.  I'm not going to lie and say I haven't had my taste of this superficial world.  I've tinkered with a lot of stuff, but it just gets boring and out of hand.  

I don't like people.  It would be easier for me to write a list of things I do like rather than what I dislike.  The list would be short.  For as much as my heart reaches out to (seriously) everyone, I'm not sure if it's a characteristic flaw of being a "good person" or sympathy for how pathetic life and people really are.  I really am trying to make the necessary adjustments to function in society.  Even with everything I'm dealing with, it's harder because I just want to be left alone.  My dream?  My short term dream would be living in a very small apartment with Echo.  I would want some movies and the internet because people refuse to use real terms of interaction.  Maybe a few trinkets.  As I've mentioned before, the only thing I would try to save in a disaster, if possible, would be Mr. Green.  The list gets shorter as I get older.  I care more about people but am more disgusted by them with age.  I don't get it.  

Me: I've always been depressed.  Right now I'm in a manic episode that has lasted way beyond its limits and I don't know when it will end.  I don't like it and it's apparent to those around me.  "How are you today?  What's wrong?  You seem ... down or tired ... or something, I don't know."  I don't know what to say.  I guess I'm tired, physically and mentally.  I'm always down, but I don't think there is ever going to be a word that really describes what I'm not feeling.  I don't feel anymore.  I'm just ... here.  

I think my essence left my body a long time ago.  I died a long time ago and now my body wants to physically disappear because it deserves it for all the stuff I've put it through.  We can exist in other realms that do not require physical materialism.  I am not talking about the afterlife.  We live through memories of other people.  We never really die.  I am done with this world.  I've done my job and I'm not afraid to die.  Nothing scares me anymore.  I'm not sure anything really ever scared me.  I am taken by surprise when someone sneaks up from behind me, but it is a reaction rather than a feeling.  If someone fakes you out, most likely you'll respond with whatever you would normally do if they actually did it.  Our minds are easily tampered with.  You think something is going to hurt, but when you think about it, it didn't really hurt - you're just conditioned to say "ow" when you bump into something or fall.  

Sunday ... I'm tired.  What do I want to do?  Just talk to J.  I need a friend.  I'm lonely.  It's odd, but I don't want to have anything to do with Alex anymore.  He's a great friend and he tries to support me the best he can.  But he will never understand.  He has a life outside of me and he's lived it just fine.  People can live without me.  I am easily replaceable and I am easy to replace someone else until my purpose has been served.  People with a mental illness don't really live life.  You can't exactly function in society.  Most of us don't have jobs or the ability to finish anything.  It's not that we don't want to, or that it's a total effect of the **** economy - we just can't.  

Did you know that rolling your tongue is genetic?  No matter how hard you try, if it isn't within your gene pool, you will never be able to accomplish it.  I can roll my tongue but I know people who can't.  Us "tongue rollers" are in another world than the "non-tongue rollers".  I need someone to take care of me because I don't know how to do it.  This is why I don't want to physically exist anymore.  I'm losing this war against my body.  I'm fighting deterioration and it's getting old.  I can only be apathetic for so long.  Iono.  I want to lie down and feel bad for myself.  But then I also want to lie down and hope that I can sleep as well as wake up tomorrow.  I'm so conflicted.  

If anyone reads my journals, I appreciate you're either bored and have nothing else to do, or ... whatever.  I want to explain that I have a very sardonic sense of humor, I'm kind of a sadist, a masochist, and a sadomasochist.  That may not make sense, but I list them separately because the last one is usually misunderstood as sexual deviancy.  I've been asked if I'm "freaky", which makes me laugh for an hour straight, but I'm an open person.  I believe you should try things at least twice because you never know.  I am actually extremely shy.  I know I seem cold, uncaring, and probably mean.  But I truly have a big heart, I care a lot about everyone, and I am a lover not a fighter.  

It doesn't matter to me whether you think I'm a jerk or not.  But if you're interested in getting to know me better, it's a little hard to fully understand a person over the internet, because even if you don't try, we have different personalities online.  I'm pretty true to my featured characteristics.  Except sometimes being shy.  I am mistaken for being mean and snobby when I'm actually really shy and feel awkward.  I have morals and I don't like to label myself as anything like Christian because I don't think we can be a certain thing since there is an infinite amount of knowledge.  

Sometimes I may seem racist, and maybe I am, but I have no malicious intent.  That doesn't make racism right, but my idea of what may make me racist is based on the traditional culture of Asians, specifically, and not so much what I think, but what I think of them.  

I babble a lot and most of the time I don't think I am making any sense.  I'm actually above average intelligent, even though it most definitely doesn't seem plausible.  I am a writer, or at least used to be, but among being painfully shy, I'm also very susceptible to discouragement.  I'm very shy and I'm very sensitive.  

There are a few things that I'm a natural at:

I'm musically inclined (which is stereotypical of Asians, and yes, I played piano and a string instrument, it was the cello),

I am more intelligent than I usually appear because I'm shy,

When I parallel park, it is absolutely majestic and you will find yourself in awe at how good I am and that no one ever taught me how to do it,

I know my sister better than she knows herself, which correlates to my disassociation with myself and being an observer, which results in high accuracy of perception,

I learn things fast but I lose interest quickly.

And ... that's all I can think of right now.  Besides, I don't think anyone really reads the stuff I right except J.  So, yo, J!