what is wrong with my 6 year old step son?

[amolthan]

My 6 year old step son came to live with us when he was 5 because his mothers boyfriend was on drugs and alcohol and she let her boyfriend beat him, we were already in a custody battle and the judge had granted them temp. custody until our final hearing then 2 weeks later they were removed from their mothers household and his mother had him and his older brother placed in cps care instead of them going to us which messed them up more, so anyways we were later granted full custody and she only gets supervised visits, it was great at first but then we relized these boys have many mental problems and we thought that it was just from being in that kind of enviroment and thought that with counseling it would go away, but when they started school the 6 year old was in trouble daily would not do his work and so his teacher suggested he has signs of adhd so we had him diagnosed, he was first on focalin but it made him sick to his stomach so now he is vyvanse, it helps him to pay attention and not get in trouble at school but there is still lots of problems, he lies constantly, hes mean to his brothers he cant remember something that has happened 5 minutes ago, he talks about sex all the time he back talks yells and screams at adults....his mom is diagnosed with bi-polar is there a chance he might have this or do you think that it could be mild mental retardation? you can also show him 100 times how to do something and he still can not do it? I am starting to get really frustrated with him and i need help!

[Sandman2]

  I agree with specialmom.  What your little guy is doing is very typical of someone who has ADHD and also has gone through a rough period of time.  Behavior is learned.  It takes a good time of time to unlearn or change it.  And, of course, part of his behavior is due to his ADHD.
  The more you are able to learn about ADHD, the more you will understand what he is going through and how to help him.  A book that will really help  is,  "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley.  Best Wishes!

[specialmom]

Oh my goodness.  What you describe is so very sad for this little boy and his sibling.  Really tragic in many ways.  Imagine if your world was only what you describe for the first 5 years of your life?  This is when you learn to trust others, to feel secure in your enviroment, how to handle emotion/conflict, where your place is in the world.  It is when your self esteem starts to take shape and when you discover your boundaries.  He had very little of the good part of that and mostly bad.  So, it is no wonder he has many issues now.

Adhd is not something that you take a pill for and you just "get better".  It is a developmental delay that requires lots of working on things and strategies to cope for the child and the family that raises them.  I would first suggest that you read everything possible on adhd and try to understand it fully.  Having this diagnosis means that your step son isn't going to think like other kids.  He's wired differently.  I think it is fantastic that he is now doing better in school and able to maintain himself better.  That is great news and I hope that you celebrate that with him.

The other things you describe sound to me like things that a child has done to survive a very bad situation.  And remember, this was the begining of his life.  It has left an inprint and he is still in the mode of taking care of himself to get by.  I feel very bad for him.  And if you turn on him now and lose patience, you will prove to him that all adults will turn their back on him, that he is unlovable, that he is not worthy of a normal upbringing.  So fight your urge to be angry at him.  He's doing the best he can at this point.  He deserves your empathy.

I would think that a family counselor would be helpful.  I also think that you and your husband have to work together.  I'd give yourself lots of breaks to recharge your batteries.  

But this boy needs patience and love and to be shown what the boundaries are but not in an angry way----------  in a way that says you understand that he needs to learn and just hasn't yet.  Teach him with love, he'll learn faster.  

The showing him 100 times to do something---------- again, please think about what is underneath that.  My son has some motor planning issues---------- similar to adhd in that it involves the nervous system.  My son has trouble processing things.  He might not catch on when I think he should---------  his brain is not processing it as fast as mine would.  He's quite bright---------- processing is different than that.  It is the communication network of the brain and nervous system.  So, it would get my kid nowhere for me to be mad as he stumbles and doesn't do as I wish.  So, I look at it as I need to help him.  Take that attitude, you'll get farther.

I just feel bad for this little guy------------  he's had a very difficult life.  I know it is hard for you and maybe more than you signed on for.  But his father has a responsibility to this boy to help him and you are married to his dad.  You're this boy's hope for feeling what it is like to have a real mother as his real mom stinks.  good luck