smearing poop, lying, stealing, problems with stepfather

[momof3angels82]

Hi ya'll. I am the blessed mother of three absolutely wonderful children. The one I am speaking about today is my son, age 8. He is bright, intellegent, funny and very sweet. (When he wants to be). Here is what happened to him. At age 4, (2010) he witnessed me (his mom) peforming C.P.R. on his father and watched as all hell broke loose when his father died moments later. Most people can't remember stuff that long ago, but I think he really does. When he was 6.5, I met his step father. (in 2012) we have since then moved in together and gotten married. My youngest daughter even calls her stepfather simply "dad." My son does sometimes, but more often just by his name. These are the main issues that we are having: Smearing poop in bathroom (he will even stand on counter and get above the mirror) on walls, floors, toliet, doors and of course, in his underwear. Not one pair reaches my laundry basket without some kind of stain. He was a big stealer last year till we took him to the jail and left him there for a few hours. Got that out of his system, but now he is picking it up again. He lies constantly, even if he doesn't have to. (That (red) shirt is blue!!! and he will argue to the end even if wrong) he destroys his toys and his room (breaking the boards holding his bed together, putting holes in walls, destroying his toys/favorite stuffed animal etc) He was also found playing in his bottom while touching himself. He will be wonderful one moment and a total brat the next. Can anyone help? Does anyone have a clue of what might work for him (besides meds)? Does anyone have any clue on what to do? I'm lost. Its very sad because my boy is normally so loving and this just isn't him. Please respond! Thanks! Oh and by the way, let me point out this behavior only happens at my house. Not at school, or his aunt's house. NO he is not being pysically abused. We punish by groundings and taking away things.

[Kbusymom]

You're welcome.  She's def ADHD; her father has it.  
My ex mother in law is a pediatric OT, so if she had sensory issues, she would have caught it.  Thanks for the info though.

[Sandman2]

    Thank you for the information.  He has some very good ideas - although some would be more successful when dealing with a child of a different age.
   Hopefully, she keeps doing well in school.  Made me kind of wonder about the original diagnosis.  Sometimes Sensory Processing Disorder can be mistaken for ADHD.  And SPD is treated very differently (no meds).  You might want to take a look at this site and see if any of it looks familiar.
     http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/

[Kbusymom]

My daughter was on Adderall for the ADHD for 2 years, but I took her off over the summer and she is doing fine in school w/out it.  I think she is definitely defiant, but I also think the side effects of the meds were part of the problem.  I've noticed a big change in her personality being off the meds and she is definitely less grumpy and defiant.  
My daughter never seemed fazed by any type of punishment- taking away, time out, I even spanked her a few times out of frustration ( I don't really believe in spanking and she proved me right) but nothing worked.

Dr. Riley firmly believes in not engaging with the child when they're oppositional, and that you have to make your child temporarily miserable.  
He suggested taking away things that are different- clothing priviledges (no cool clothes or things they like), he said we could always resort to a uniform, but we didn't have to.  He also recommended a lot of chores, work and something called "baby" meals-they get the same baby breakfast, lunch, and dinner .  Baby meals consisted of no silverware, sippy cups and things like waffles with no butter and syrup. My daughter def did not like the baby meals.
He also had a very good coversation with her about lying, that I can't remember specifcs but the jist of it was to keep asking them questions and not believing anything they say.  
As far as stealing he recommended stealing something of value to her and NOT ever giving it back so she would learn empathy.  
Other things he said were important were to watch movies with her and stop the movie to see how the characters were feeling, getting her involved in some type of group activity.  
He never yells and speaks very softly and calmly which is something I'm still working on.  
I hope that helps!

[Sandman2]

   Thank you for your thoughts.  I was curious which of the doctors methods you found to be most successful with your child?  Also is your daughter on any medication for either the ADHD or the ODD?

[Kbusymom]

My 8 year old daughter has ADHD and we were going through a lot of the same issues w/ the anger, back talking, stealing.  I don't believe any of those to be ADHD related.  It sounds to me a lot more like Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  My daughter, too was kind and loving one minute and then angry the next- the anger usually came from something not going her way. She also only exhibited these behaviors at home; it made me feel so guilty, like how can she control herself in other environments but not at home.  
Glad he has an apt- we are very fortunate to live near Dr. Douglas Riley- he's an expert on ODD.  I would research all you can before your apt.  Dr. Riley has also written some excellent books and I think he does do phone appts.  
We tried his suggestions and they really worked where nothing else did.  We still have some moments, but nothing like before.  She is truly different and I'm so grateful to have my child back.  
The book helped, but I felt was more geared towards teenagers.  If your son is ODD, I would see if there's a specialist in your area.  
Good luck!

[momof3angels82]

Thanks for your thoughts. He has an appt on Monday

[MarkLakewood3367]

Your son sounds very angry.  It is unclear where this anger is coming from other than someone or something at your house.  Given the severity of the behavioral issues you describe, I would consider getting him evaluated by a mental health professional or at least the school counselor.  Getting him evaluated doesn't mean placing him on meds.  It means getting him and maybe the family treatment  to find out exactly what is bothering your son.