Desperate need to control possibly asperger's?

[KarDar]

My 9 year old stepson tries to control us all at home. He seems completely unaware that he is being controlling or that people find this uncomfortable.  Could he have Asperger's? Or is he just an only child reacting to a new stepmom? (Everyone assumes this).

He's upset if his dishes aren't placed properly.  If I serve quiche with broccoli on the side instead of corn he's upset. He regularly chastises us like he is a teacher or parent.  He is always trying to engage us in conversation or play--but he wants to entirely control the whole thing.  So when he talks--it's a five minute monologue about the Bismark or the Titanic or his imaginary country (of which he is king).

He'll ask me a question, I'll begin answering, and then he'll interrupt my answer to talk to his dad about something totally unrelated.

When you play with him, he'll tell you how to hold the toy plane, or he'll tell you what he wants you to say and where he wants you to go. I made up an imaginary bird whispering secrets into my ear the other day. He killed my imaginary bird.. He seems very, very aware of many of his own feelings--just clueless about whether he's making other people comfortable or uncomfortable. He wants people to like him, play with him, and think he's special--but he seems to expect and demand this. Adults usually are charmed by has vivacious passions and smilingly go along with him.  

Much of his conversation seems like "thinking out loud" - if you ask him to clarify --he'll get thrown, he'll accuse you of interrupting, and he'll act like you've totally made  him "lose his place".

He has a lot of bedtime rituals he cannot skip without great discomfort (arranging the pillow symmetrically, testing the pillow, locking and unlocking the door 9 times and locking it to keep burglars out.)

The thing is--he's so verbal and talkative and bright--I feel like other people don't see any problems.  
Could this just be his uncomfortable reaction to me as the new stepmom?

[Rachel Thompson, Ph.D., BCBA]

If this behavior occurs with individuals other than you and your husband, I recommend that you have your son seen by a professional who specializes in diagnosing autism spectrum disorders, including aspergers. I would be particularly concerned about your son's social interactions with peers. As you know, social competence is vital to success in school; therefore, it will be important to know how your son behaves at school and to work with the school to intervene if necessary. If this behavior is restricted to your son's interactions with you and your husband a different approach would be reasonable. An ongoing challenge for all parents is to promote independence and self-dermination in their children, while still playing the role of the parent. This is especially difficult in the role of step mother. It will be important for you to work with your husband to agree upon some limits for your son. He should not be allowed to be disrespectful to you and your husband, and he should be required to follow the adult's lead at times. However, there should be some times (e.g., playing certain games) when your son is allowed to make the rules. Restricting his control to certain situations should make it clear who is in control when.

[Sally44]

It might be.  Have you looked at the diagnostic criteria for Aspergers.  Google 'DSM IV Aspergers' and read through the list of characteristics.  Remember a person only has to get a couple of the characteristics out of each list.
A need to control could be down to a need for predictable outcomes and also a lack of imagination.  Does he tend to re-enact things he has seen on TV or in films.
What is his language like and his tone of voice.  He seems to be unaware of how to hold a conversation properly which is very common.  He isn't being rude, he just doesn't realise that conversation is a two way process.  At the moment he seems to be giving dialogues and is talking at other people, again this is typical of Aspergers.
He might also have some rigid rituals or routines which could also include the need for certain foods to be served together and anything else considered to be wrong or unacceptable.
My son is high functioning autistic and he also comes across almost like a 'director' , especially in play.  He will tell you what you are, and what you should do.  You cannot deviate from this toryline.  If you tried he would curtail that route or he might start to get upset or angry with me.  That is because they need things to be predictable and therefore already know in their own mind what they want to happen.  If you use your imagination to change the play it completely throws them.
My son also accuses me of making him 'lose his place'.  That is usually when he is doing or saying something and I interrupt to ask him something or to clarify.  And it is true we have made them lose their place and usually they have to go back to the beginning and start again whether it is something they were thinking, saying or doing.
It is possible to talkative and bright and still be on the autistic spectrum.  Even Einstein was thought to have traits of autism!
His rituals at bedtime could be classed as repetitive rituals and routines under the diagnostic criteria.  
I think if it is becoming more noticeable that something is not quite right and if it is starting to impact on his ability to socialise with his peers then it might be time to raise concerns because he may need supports in school especially during breaktimes and dinnertimes so that he isn't bullied for being awkward or 'different'.
It might be a good starting point to say that you suspect that he may have Aspergers and ask for a Speech and Language Therapist with experience of Aspergers to assess both his speech and social communication abilities.