Tomorrow is Bailey's 7th birthday. How I survived this long without her..Im not sure. I do know that my other three children(all boys) have helped a lot. I always used to believe that time heals all pain, and I have come to find out that the only pain time cannot heal, is that of a mothers pain, a mother of a Baby Angel. The only thing time does is shorten the amount of time we grieve. It's been 7 years, so hard to believe. My day to day tasks now that it has been so long have been easier. I think about her everyday and I am able to smile when she comes to thought, but on this day November 17th...Those smiles quickly disappear and a years worth of pain that had been dormant is let loose. For the sake of my children I hold back and fight the urge to just fall to my knee's and cry. I wait until they are safely sleeping for the night, then...it all hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel nauseated, I cry aloud, and I cradle her teddy in my arms, like the day I did when she died. I shake uncontrolably, and I have physical pain deep within my heart. Once the worse part of the storm calms...I do what I am doing now. I write....and I cry while I write. Each tear reminds me of that day, the pain..the guilt, the selfishness of wanting her here despite what she would have gone through.
I miss her.
I have always mourned her loss alone, never once having someone to mourn with me, no one to hold me, wipe the tears off my face, and no one else to love her like I did..and still do. Sometimes I wish I had someone else to help carry this burden, and sometimes I am thankful that I was and am the only one who will ever know what her love felt like. I hurt because she's gone, and most of all..I hurt because I love her. The loss of her not only tortures me, but it also saves me, when I cry for her it's because I am thankful, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have anything or anyone else to bring my feet back to the ground, to wake me up and bring me back to reality. Things like this are far from easy, I often wonder what good could possibly come out of losing Bailey. But when I look down at the shoes I wear...the shoes of the mother of an angel baby...I can't help but be thankful to walk in them, no matter how ugly they might be to people, because their beautiful to me. I used to tell people to walk in my shoes for a day, but these shoes aren't meant for anyone else, and I wouldnt have it any other way. I will walk the rest of my life, the rest of eternity in these shoes, and when I finally get to hold my baby girl again, is when I can finally, slowly unlace them, hang them up on the gates of heaven, and walk barefooted hand in hand with my precious baby...and feel at home...Feel complete.
Rest In Peace Bailey, My Angel Baby. I loved you then, I love you still, I love you always.