6 year old with emotional issues

[RAEX2]

I am a stepmother to a 6 year old girl and an 8 year old boy.  The girl has an issue with sneaking into our room at night, asking Daddy to come back into her room for "one more hug and kiss", and has now started with crying when she thinks she's in trouble (ex: we asked her to wring out her own hair the other night because we were having a discussion, and a few minutes later the 8 year old said she was crying.  When I went into the bathroom, she was laying face down on the bathtub floor, crying into her arms.  When i asked what was wrong (( 3 times)), she said that i asked her to dry her own hair and she couldn't do it.)  Any time I ask her what is wrong, she won't answer until I ask 3-5 times.  

Her father was an anxious child, and I've started to see signs of ADHD in her as well.  Her Dad and brother are both medicated for this.  

His ex wife had just finished court ordered alcohol treatment for parents (diversion), and until recently, the children didn't even get bathed there because she did not pay her bills, and therefore had no hot water.  I feel like the children are living normal at our house, and in poverty at their mother's.  She is still drinking when the kids are there, and I don't know if it's her house or mine that the little one is stressed about.  Help!!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

How much time is she spending at her mother's house? Based solely on the description you offer, there should be very serious doubt whether she should be spending any time there. The situation sounds like it invites a question of neglect, perhaps even abuse.

While she is clearly very needy, as her behavior suggests, you should not develop bad habits in your responses to her. Repeated trips back into her room are not necessary and can develop into an ongoing pattern. When you ask her what is the matter, you needn't repeat the question. Ask her once and if she does not reply let it go. Lastly, simply because she is crying, you needn't rush in to figure it out. If she needs your help she can come to you. While my suggestions may seem to be a bit on the stern end, I by no meansd am suggesting you adopt a stern demeanor with he. I'm concerned that, out of honest concern for her, you might encourage poor habits in how she deals with her own frustrations and needs.

[wilson49332]

This sounds to me as a licensed school social worker that this young girl is having problems adjusting to the two different homes- its a whole different set of expectations and this is tough for any child- and can be the source of her anxiety. I would do this- prepare her each time when she is about to go to her mothers house. Make sure she understands the new expectations and also expects the new conditions.

In addition, this seems as though it could be an abuse issue, you may wish to speak with someone about that if they don't have hot water when they are at that house and her mother is still drinking after being in court for this same issue. There may even be some verbal abuse at her biological mother's home- many kids tend to get over anxious when they do something wrong when there is this type of abuse at home (and I suspect such if mom is drinking and has a problem with this).

Heres my thoughts to help with the crying and constant need for attention. I would continue to re-assure her that she isnt doing anything wrong. Make sure you continue to reinforce good behavior with praise and rewards- all children need that. If she does something wrong, just reassure her and teach her that its ok to make mistakes and show her the right way to do it.

Thats my two sense, I hope it helps some, I am sure Dr. Kennedy with have additional thoughts and suggestions.