Extreme stress in life of 2-yr. old

[shelley]

Our 2-year-old granddaughter has been living in a stressful situation since birth.  She has witnessed her biological father beating up her mother and the family dog on many occasions.  Her mother is emotionally unstable (hospitalized for years with severe anorexia and bulimia; at one time it was thought she has borderline personality disorder) and has recently left the father, but thinks her daughter needs to see her father; these encounters have resulted in more beatings and his abducting her for a short period of time.  The police have been involved numerous times.  The child is very bright but uncontrollable.  She is hyperactive, destructive, aggressive, has tantrums, swears like a trooper, has nightmares and is terrified of "monsters".  What are the possible effects (short-term and long-term) of stress like this on a child?  What danger signs in her behavior should we be watching for?  Is there anything we as grandparents can do when she is with us to help her?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Shelley,

You've already witnessed the danger signs to which you refer. Continued exposure during the early years to such violence and acute stress can bring about nearly irreversible damage to a young child. The importance of adequate parenting during the first years of life cannot be overstated.

The best you can do for this little girl is toafford her as much structure and stability as you can while she is with you. Also, it is clear that neither of her parents is capable of taking care of her. While what I will now say is quite unusual in the sense of urgency, it is imprtant that your granddaughter be removed from the custody of her parents ASAP. If this happens, and her mother achieves more stability and better judgement, perhaps at a later date your granddaughter can be reunited with her mother. But this situation should not be allowed to persist.

[Judy Thatcher]

Shelly, if the stress is as bad as you indicate, your grandchild is in grave circumstances. The early years are perhaps the most important in regard to healthy emotional and social development...please discuss your concerns with the mother- and then, if necessary, social services!

The events you describe are very traumatic, and a two year old has no way of seeking help on her own. She should be in a stable home setting until her parent(s) are capable of providing one for her. She is already displaying distressing reactive symptoms...she is lucky to have concerned and loving grandparents, please seek help in her behalf.