My 8 yo Daughter's Teacher Insulted Her Appearance

[guineapigcorn]

I am very upset.  Yesterday I met with the school social worker about my son and his speech delays.  Then after that she started talking about my daughter.  She said her teacher was concerned because her hair was a mess and her clothes were always unclean.  She then added that she noticed it, too.  And she made a remark about her skinniness.  I lost it.  I started talking and began to cry.  I was so upset.  I couldn't believe the accusations.  My daughter has flyaway hair that can't be managed.  She is a messy person that spills everything all over her clothes.  The clothes get stained but they are always washed.  She showers everyday and washes her hair everyday.  She is clean.  Her coat is dirty because she rolls around in the snow and dirt and we washed it but it is still stained.  I don't like the way she looks and I suppose that's why this hurt so much.  I am being blamed but I have tried to make her look better and I failed.  I started to leave her alone.  I figured she'd grow out of it and it wasn't a big deal.  Apparently I was wrong.  It's vacation now and I can't resolve it yet but the worst part is she overheard my husband and I talking about it.  She now hates her teacher and doesn't want to go to school.  I went out and bought her a bunch of clothes and some gel for her hair.  I hope it works.  I now feel like she can't relax and be herself and that the school will call the authorities on me for doing nothing!  I wondered if anyone else has had a similar experience and how they handled it.  I am so upset that I am afraid to even talk to this teacher.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Good. Keep up your efforts, and maintain a strong alliance with the school. You and they are interested in your child's wellbeing, and it is important that you work together, not at cross purposes.

[guineapigcorn]

When I said I left her alone, I didn't mean I didn't take any interest in her hygiene.  I meant I stopped picking out all her flaws and trying to tame her hair when nothing worked.  I let her be a tomboy and didn't bring to her attention a little stain or tousled hair because I knew she was clean and her clothes didn't look so bad unless I'm losing my eyesight.  

I am policing her more now but I am still upset with this man because he knows me and knows she is clean and not neglected.

Thank you

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

All you can do as a parent is your best. Where you went off track is making the decision to leave her alone. That was not a good idea, which I think you now recognize. Children need their parents' help around their hygiene and appearance, and it is up to you to take responsibility for that aspect of parenting. While it hurt, be thankful that the school cares enough about your children to call this matter to your attention. They are only trying to help. You are now back on track - keep up your efforts and you'll be fine.