Helping 4 year old cope with loss of 2 closed grandparent figures

[conceredmomof2]

My son is just turned 4 years old in July.  He observes carefully...everything.  I guess most 4 year olds do.  In December we lost my father in law to cancer, quickly.  He stopped breathing unexpectedly and we had to call 911, so he saw some of what was going on....I took him outside to play in the yard..but he still saw a little of what happened.  The next week he was in the hospital and we lost him Christmas morning. in the days to follow my son attended the funeral.  We allowed him to see his grandpa in the casket and he gave him the cars (at his request) he was playing with and we told him pop was in heaven, above the clouds and we wouldn't be able to see him again...only in our thoughts and prayers.  He still talks about him and experiences he had with him all the time,very positively.  I think he understands he won't see pop again, but I am pretty sure he doesn't know why.  All of this seems to be going well until now.  The lady who has kept CJ since he was 6 weeks old...days, weekends, nights...really anytime in the last 4 years.  They became very close.  He adores her.  She has been sick in the past 6 months but we still visit and are very close with her & the family.  She is very sick now and will be released to Hospice today for her final days.  She is unable to communicate since the pain medication is so high and all the other factors.  the DR thinks we will lose her within days....in light of what he has experienced with his grandfather I am unsure how he will be able to handle this, should I lie (not fond of this idea...but my mother is in favor), or explain briefly that she too is in heaven..or going to heaven? Take him to see her? It will be emotionally hard for me as I love this woman dearly...how should I act? Any thoughts or ideas, or further sources of information would be helpful.
Thank you

[I-believe-n-u]

My four year old daughter is very caring and concerned about my uncle that passed and our grandmother.  We explained and she understands that they both had asked Jesus in their hearts and they lived for and served the Lord and that they are in Heaven.  And because we have asked Jesus in our hearts and live and serve the Lord that when we pass that we will also go to Heaven and see them again.  We are honest and don't lie to her and often we will send balloons with notes on them and that seems to satisfy her that we haven't forgot them.  Also you may consider contacting your local Hospice chapter and they have programs that help children cope with the loss of loved ones and friends.  We are signing our daughter up for this class b/c I think it will be good for her to be around other kids that may have some of the same questions about death, sickness, Heaven, etc... Good luck and keep us updated on the progress.

[rusalka]

I am so sorry. It is a lot to take. The doc is right though be honest with your child.  They handle things most often better than we do.  My nephew just lost his grandpa and his words were to his father. Don't worry dad. Jesus died for us and so did Grandpa. Children are very light on birth and death, they feel sad but have such great hearts and talk about the people who have left them as though they are there. It is healing. If we adults could be like children at these times life would be easier. Just a thought.... a natural process to life.  You are a wonderful women to show the love you have for a women who helped raised your child.  Take care. Rusalka.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Absolutely do not lie to him. Tell him what is happening in a simple, brief, straightforward manner. It is OK to bring him with you to see this lady, but have the visit be quite brief. It is also OK to tell him that this is the last time he will see her. Tell him that she is very sick and that she will not be alive much longer. See if he wants to bring her something, in particular something he has made - a drawing, for example, or a 'written' message which he can say alound and you can write for him.