Step son out of control!

[Helpless_Mom]

I'm not sure where to begin because things are bad, our family is in trouble! I will try to hit the most important issues. I married my second husband four years ago. I have two daughters, he has two sons. His youngest son who is 9 now, has problems. Right from the start I knew his behavior was not age appropriate. He was 5 and had no idea of any type of education, not even abc's. I got him in a preschool program. He lies about everything. He crys for no reason. He is violent to my daughter who is smaller them him. He defies anything you tell him. He doesn't understand personal hygiene, personal space, or social behavior. I have taking him to numerous counselors in search of the problem, because my husband refuses to deal with it. All of them agree there is at least a 2 year delay in his behavior. He flunked kindergarten. He will be 10 in Oct. he is going into the third grade. The school was in the process of testing him for learning disabilities and we moved to be closer to husbands job. We also had lived apart for over a year, because I became phyiscally ill due to all the stress. I agreed to try again because my husband has faced there is a problem, but he won't take any action. The other kids don't want him around, they are so angry. I am angry! Please help with any advice. I am ready to leave because we are continuing the same cycle as before and everyone was miserable. None of the kids think we will make it, and his oldest son wants to live with me if I leave. I feel like a fool for giving up everything (my church, my family, my girls school )and moving for this. I feel like I have made a mistake.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Only you can make that decision but, if the status quo remains, everyone will suffer because things won't change and will likely worsen.

[Helpless_Mom]

How do we resolve our differences when we disagree on how to raise kids in general.. His idea of compromise is screaming and yelling until I give up.. I have taken the kids to counseling but my husband won't go. His gets angry about everything. I agree that our kids deserve the best, he says that but won't do anything about it, we have been fighting over the same issues for 3 years. It's sad, but what his boys know is being left to fend for themselves by dad. Because I push them just like my girls and I am very involved in their lives they now expect dad to as well. I try to help matters but my husband says he can't be someone he's not. Anytime I talk about change or improving our relationship or ours with the kids, he says that he does his best, that's all he knows. I tell him everyone is unhappy and we need to work on it and make some changes, he says just do whatever you think is best. I try to and then we fight about what I have done. Would it be better for all of us just to walk away? If the kids and each other are unhappy why should we stay together? I don't want to be the problem for anyone, all I want is the kids to grow up in a happy, healthy home. I believe we had that when we were both single parents.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The situation will not improve until you and your husband resolve your differences. You are correct in being pessimistic if the status quo remains. Children rely on their parents to take care of them and, when they need help, to get that help. Your son is a victim of you and your husband not having a sound relationship. There are clearly developmental/emotional problems with your son, but the foundation of any family rests with the parents, and you owe it to your children to solve the problems in your relationship. If you cannot do this, then it is hard to argue that you should remain together.