child crying

[ashley1122]

Hello!
My boyfriend has a daughter that cries! She has been doing this for since she was 2. She is now 5. She will cry over very silly things. But only when she "cant" do something. for instance we will ask to her put her shoes on. She will say OK in a very peasant voice, go off into her room and we will catch her 5 minutes later looking at her shoes while crying. We will ask her why shes crying she will reply with "i dont know" So we then tell her if she is going to cry she needs to have a reason to cry.
We are also big on teaching children independence. So we tell her if she needs help putting on her shoes she should ask. We then tell her to relax and when she is ready she can come out of her room and ask her help like a big girl. That was our routine for a while..prob two in a half years. Now that she is 5 we cant take it anymore shes way too old to cry like that.
We started thinking maybe she cries because she expects us to be right there putting her shoes on for her. We cant be there 24/7 and we also cant deal with the crying. She will cry over something as little as not being able to find a pair of socks!!!
When she asked for help with anything else we are always there and she knows that. So i dont understand why she would just cry and not ask for help before she gets upset.
theres more...im not sure if this is the reason. She lives with her mother, grandmother, great grand mother, two aunts and a grand father half the week. (my boyfriend has joint custody and has her the other half) Sometimes i think she acts like that here because she possibly gets away with it when with her mother? I have seen the child cry in front of her mother and the mother doesn't try and push her through just smothers her with kisses then the incident is forgotten about. Maybe she does it more with us because there are only 2 f us and we cant be there all the time to prevent her from crying.
Help us!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You have put your finger on why the custody arrangement is a problem. You (that is, all who are endorsing this plan) are exposing her to two very different styles of parenting, rather than establishing the sort of consistent, predicatble parenting that children require to flourish. It's no wonder she has such a difficult time managing the frustrations she encounters. The problem isn't with her response, it's with the environments that require her to make adjustments no young child should be expected to make. And as long as that sitiuation continues she will have difficulty in her adaptation. What I am suggesting is that you fail to appreciate how difficult this parenting arrangement is for this little girl. You expect her to adjust to a poor custody arrangement. It's the arrangement, not her, that's the problem. She's having an underdstandable reaction to a difficult situation.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Simply put, having a young child move back and forth between two environments is by nature unsettling, especially when the two families do not share the same methods of parenting. Such a situation is an invitation for difficulty and you are witnessing the results. Look at the evidence - it's all you need to see the damage this arrangement is causing. You offered a very telling description of the contradictory parenting styles to which this little girl is exposed. I understand it is not within your control to change this.

[ashley1122]

What makes you think that because shes crying its because of a custody agreement? what would you of said if i didnt mention custody? I know 7 people who have the same custody agreement and their children dont cry. I am meeting more and more fathers that have their children half the time. They have also told me the rules are different than the other parents house.

This is a very strong and smart child. Shes in many different sports, activities, plays amazing with others, is a fantastic learner, follows direction extremely well, excels in soccer and gymnastics. And you mean to tell me she cries every other day due to living with mommy half the week and living with daddy the other half? I have a feeling you have a "bad taste" for 50/50 custody and are going to blame any issue a child has (one that shares homes) on this.


Now i know 50/50 custody to the world is fairly new. Seeing as a majority of fathers 10 years ago were only seeing their children every other weekend. Is there some type of testing that has been done, statistics that have been in place to make you feel so strongly against 50/50 custody?

I am not the parent in this situation...i am the girlfriend of 4 in a half years to the father of this child. I do not decide how to parent...i only support my boyfriend in his parenting.
I will tell you this...he has helped raise a very smart, very well mannered, caring and polite child. Who cries if she cant find a sock or has to put on a shoe. All i was asking for is help on that situation. Not to get bashed because of an awesome parenting plan. What would you of said if there was no  50/50?
you said "i expect her to adjust to a poor custody agreement" adjust to what..nothing has changed, altered or moved. This is the way her life has been since like i said...since she was born. How is that not consistent? We have a very well established routine. we do the same things each week. there is nothing unconsistant about it.  

And again please if you would like give me some facts as to why you feel this way.

[ashley1122]

I dont understand much of what you are saying. What is wrong with a "five" year old being taught independence? How is that not realistic? We dont have her make her own food, fold her own laundry etc. Just simple things like buckling her own seat belt, dressing herself, cleaning her room etc. If a child is more than capable of doing something themselves who in gods name would prevent them from doing it?
I am more than aware i have no control over what the childs mother does on her time. I wasn't asking advice on what to do about the mother coddling her child. Quite frankly i thought that was a little rude.
You have been the first person to ever say that 50/50 agreement is harmful to a child. The only way it becomes harmful is what there is hostile parenting going on. What is a childs life with only seeing a parent every other weekend? That to me is wrong. This is how this child has been living since she was born..its life to her. She doesn't know any better because shes never had any other type of living environment.
How can you assume that this particular custody arrangement is harming this particular child?
All im asking is advise on how her crying can come to an end or be more controlled and/or happen less frequent. Also prevent me and my boyfriend from going nuts...we follow her around, trying to predict when she is going to cry, so we can stop it before it happens.
Because a five year old cant find a sock is not an acceptable reason to cry. (to me and my boyfriend) we are not rude about it either. We explain to her if she needs help with something she needs to find one of us and ask for help. If she cries she will get no help until she is calmed down and can talk like the big girl she is.
If you have any advise to give that would be wonderful. Thank You for your time.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

To be honest, I don't perceive much empathy for this little girl on your part. Your expectations re: independence are not realistic. She is only five years old. She is not crying for no reason. You may not regard the reason as sufficient, but that is your adult perspective and you are not being reasonable in how you view a child of five. The custody status is very wrong. To have a child so young splitting the week between two households is a formula for problems. Yes, it does sound like the situation in the other household is a problem too, but it's not within your power to control that. Hopefully her parents will come to their senses and see that this 50/50 custody arrangement is harming their daughter.