How can I be well?

[coolbu20]

Hello.  I am a 33 year old married mother of 3.  My question is in regards to dealing with grief.  I don't think that during my childhood, I acquired the correct skills in dealing with grief.  I hold onto grief, dissappointment and sorrow until I can't anymore, and then I end up basically exploding with emotion--crying and being depressed for periods of time.  I really don't want to take any medication.  I have small children and I want them to learn to deal with their emotions properly as well.  I am fearful that I will just pass my bad behavior onto them.  My most current ordeal is that last year my husband had an affair.  I cannot move on.  I try very hard, but my mind keeps going back to it.  I keep having various thoughts and feelings about it.  We went to marriage counseling for a time after it happened, but could not continue due to finanical constraints.  We are working on our marriage every day and I am positive about the direction it is taking.  But, I am so upset, dissappointed and grief-stricken over the loss of trust.  I just don't know what to do.  How can I be well? How can I live and be happy again?
Thanks

[Jaquta]

I think it's easy to lash out at people when they tell you things you don't want to hear.
I think sometimes some members (me inclusive) ask questions for reasons other than having an answer.  I think sometimes we want to feel connected to others and to have our pain and distress heard.  I think the doctor does hear and does understand.

I think what you need is open, honest communication.  I think you need to discuss your thoughts and feelings.  I think once you identify and label your emotions and give yourself permission to feel them then you will better be able to move on.
I think it is a learning process.  I too have had a lot of losses in my life.  In the past I didn't know how to deal with them (and sometimes still don't) but as soon as we start discussing them they seem to have less power over us.

I personally don't think you should be taking medication for your issues but this decision is between yourself and your doctor.

I think you have a great incentive for making changes.  Having that motivation will make all the difference -if you are really committed.  I think you do want to change.

If you keep going back to the affair then there is some aspect of it you haven't resolved.  Either you need to resolve this individually or with your husband.

What I have learned and are learning in my own life is that if we keep focusing on something without actively trying to resolve it then we create a lot of stress and distress in our own lives and we waste an awful lot of time (which then gives us something else to feel about -and so the cycle continues).

I think the doctor has suggested things to do that in turn will help you be happy, healthy and well.

Maybe instead of looking at what happened look at what is happening now.  How can you make things better now?  You're working on your marriage everyday and you feel positive about that.  Have you discussed your sense of betrayal with your husband?  You can't go back and undo the affair but you can start to rebuild trust and the relationship.  What do you need to do or to happen to regain that trust?
I think that if you are unable to accept what has happened then that happiness may be very slow in coming.
Maybe trying to understand both perspectives (his and yours) will help you understand why and how this happened and give you closure.

Maybe I have misinterpreted what the doctor said and I know my understanding is very limited especially when compared to his.  Sometimes just hearing it from someone else helps.

I think the doctor was offering ?sympathy (maybe it was empathy??).
I think that if you don't have the necessary skills to deal with the situation then you will need to learn them from somewhere.  I think a therapist is a good person to help with this.
Regarding the doctors new program I think he was offering an alternative to therapy.  Something that may be beneficial but less expensive.

I don't think there is a correct way of dealing with grief, etc.  I think the grief process is unique to each individual.
With my mental health issues I was asked to learn dbt skills which are just basic life skills.  If you wanted to check them out you may find some of them helpful.  It's not an advert.  I hate the concept of someone taking credit for skills most people use everyday but the skills themselves are quite useful (if practiced and applied).

Affairs aren't unique to your family.  Many families have weak moments and make mistakes.  Sometimes after something like this families bounce back stronger.
What will determine the success or failure of your marriage will be your attitude to it. You could have that happiness today if you chose it.

Good luck for everything!

[coolbu20]

Thanks I guess?  I mean, that's not really helpful and I understand there is no easy answer.  I guess I was just looking for hope? encouragement? not an advertisment.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

I wish I had an easy answer for you...the event happened,the trust was broken, now the issue is not the past but the repair of trust and intimacy...if you can't afford therapy, both you and your husband might benefit from my new self help program, myvirtualshrink.com...I created the program to help people help themselves at an affordable price...there you can work on honest talk with each other about all issues and frictions that stand in the way of a better relationship..this could help.  Other than that, starting to see a therapist again when you can afford it is a good idea.