I am so disappointed in myself

[Oncloud4]

I posted a while back under "what in heaven's name should I do" you can see the story there.

I came off the beta blockers and went onto a different type of medication for high blood pressure.  During the transition, I felt much better--maybe just a desire for the depression to be from the medicines.  Since then I have relapsed.

Yesterday, at the end of the work day I just decided that I could not take it anymore.  I developed a ringing in my ears in addition to the sleeplessness, anxiety, lack of ability to eat (not just lack of apetite), etc.  I went home and took the first pill from my Celexa (10 mg for a week and then up to 20 mg).  I had trouble swallowing the pill because of the sobs.

Last night, I felt really tired from 7:00 PM to when I fell asleep in the den.  My wife and I woke up and went to bed and I tossed and turned only to get up and lay on the couch to watch TV at 11:30 PM.  I finally got to sleep but kept waking up occasionally.  Today I feel just exhausted.

Please tell me that hope is on the horizon.  Please tell me that there is any hope--that my marriage, my son, and my worklife are not forever ruined by all of this.  Please help.  I am so disappointed in myself for being this way and having to result to medicines--please help.

Oncloud4

[amk627]

I don't feel bad taking the medicine, I just feel bad about having to take the medicine, about having these ocd problems combined with ezecma and having the anxiety about death. Not one day goes by that I do not pick the skin from my fingers. Sometimes I pick the skin from my lips. I am 38. Sometimes I think things are not that bad, other days I think I am crazy. I take Buspar twice a day. My sister takes Paxil for social anxiety,my father has had panic attacks, my mother has anxiety,
I figured it would just be a matter of time before mine got worse. I quit smoking almost 3 years ago and since that time the anxiety has gotten worse, what I would like to know is when I go to see my Doctor, should I be asking her for a specific med. or will she just know which one to give me. I also yell alot, at my kids especially, god I hate that!! My dad used to yell at me, I think sometimes I became him. Or maybe he was me...at any rate I will let you know how it goes.

[money1]

Feeling well is the most important thing, not just for yourself but everyone around you.  I hate taking Paxil but without it I cannot sleep and feel sick everyday.

If the medication works, don't feel bad about taking it.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Dr. Gould will not be back until next wed. He will answer this question then.

[Doggies4]

I used to be like you in the sense that I would not even take an aspirin for a headache.  I thought pills were a weakness.  Would you beat yourself up if you had to take pills for diabetes?  Would you be so disappointed in yourself because you had that?  Please be kinder to yourself.  I take three kinds of medication now and I thank God it is available to me.  Sometimes there is a chemical imbalance that you can no more help than having heart difficulties or diabetes or anything else that is out of your control.

So what?  If the Celexa helps you, so be it.  Just take it and be thankful that it works and that you can get on with your life.  I know from personal experience that sleep difficulties can arise when depressed.  My doctor has prescribed Trazadone for me and I take only 75 mg a night to help me sleep.  it is just a way of life for me now and I accept it.  A good nights sleep is very valuable.  you cannot face life and problems without good sleep.

Be kinder to yourself and accept that you are having difficulties and do what you are able to do to help yourself.  Good luck to you.

[annamariea]

Hello to the both of you, and if Doggies4 is reading this, you really gave a Great discription of how important it is to take this type of medication! It is exactly how you put it, you would not hesitate to take blood pressure medicine, so why hesitate to take medication for your brain?...It is "not" a sign of weakness, yet I think that allot of us feel this way...That is just the way we think, yet Doggies4 could not have put it any better...Now to amk627, everyone's brain is made up of differnt chemicals, so what medication I was on may not be what you need...I do know that it took 3 different kinds of medication before my brain responded to what it needed, so you are probally right when you say that you don't feel like your medication is working...Don't be afraid to tell your Doctor this...He knows that it all works by trial and error, you just have to find the right medication that works for you....As for OnCloud4, you must read Doggies4 letter, it will help you out Greatly....The medication that I was on is called Lorazipam, I may have spelled it wrong...Now it is mainly for Psychotic behavior, yet I did not have this type of behavior.. it was just the right choice of medication for me, But I was persitant and kept going back to my Docotor untill I was feeling better....I only wish the Best of Lives for All of you..Please keep posting so I can know how your All doing...God Bless, Annamariea

[annamariea]

Hello, I just read your letter and your last one...I really do feel for you since I have been in the same situation as you are in...I too have always been ontop of the world, and in controll all of the time..Then out of the blue, I stared too feel sad and very out of controll, I would have problems with making the simplest decisions, I would find myself wanting too sleep all the time, Very Not like me...Finally I asked my family Doctor to help me out, He sent me to a Psychartrist, Sure, I was having some stressfull times, But doesn't everyone at some point in there life!?...So why did I now need to see a Psyc? Not me!...But as the days went on, I found myself slipping deeper and deeper into this depression, I even hated myself for being this way, yet I was no longer in controll, or so it felt....I was perscribed a antidepressant and had told myself that I could get over this myslef...One entire week turned into the worst days of my life, I knew that I needed something, some help, So I, just like you, went and took the pill, I was also crying at the time, for it makes you feel, well, like your no longer a "normal" person...I found that the medication made me tired, and I thought that I couldn't sleep anymore than what I allready was...After that first night, I found that the next morning was still the same, Well of course the Psych. told me that the medication will take some time...So I forced myself to take another pill that evening, Now it has been 6 months since that awful week in my life, and here I am..Full of life and no longer on the medication...Yes, There is Hope out there for YOU...I wanted to share my story with you and let you know that you will make it!!! Hang in there  God Bless Annamariea

[amk627]

What kind of pill are you taking, I have been suffering from anxiety along with obsessive compulsive disorder for a long time. I did not know that what I was having was anxiety. I did however know about the obsessive compulsive. I am only 38 and feel sometimes like about 50. I have three beautiful children and I don't know what is wrong with me... I think about death alot. I fear it constantly, I sometimes think something is going to happen to myself or my children or my husband. I wonder how I or they would mannage if I or they were gone. AM I crazy > ??
please help me, I am taking Buspar twice a day since MArch and I don't think it is helping. I am still picking (o.c.) the skin off my fingers and still stressing alot. What should I take.
I need to go back and see my doctor but I feel so stupid....
Any suggestions ???