Im desperate for some help in understanding my behavior. For the last 5 years I have been suffering with symptoms of depression, insecurity, anger and the inability to behave normally in a relationship.
On the outside I appear completely normal an can generally get on with a normal life, work is fine, friends are fine. However, 6 months after a breakup 6 years ago, I had what i thought was a breakdown.I had uncontrollable bouts of highs and lows, panic attacks, anorexia, and thoughts of suicide. I did improve and put things back on track, however Ive never been able to have a relationship, without acting irrationally since... assuming the person does not or could not love me. picking fights over nothing. bouts of crying and joy that can happen all in a single day. Friends have noticed that im ultra sensitive and witnessed when ive been totaly out of order with my partner, whome has since split up with me. I have recurrent nightmares, frequent mouth ulcers, episodes of binge eating and starvation, I also have episodes of complete memory loss, but these are often associated with drinking alcohol. I cant bare to be alone, but push anyone close away.
I have just had implanon hormonal implant removed as i feared it was giving me mood swings but im not sure it was that causing it.
I have had a lot of trauma, that i put my behavor down to>I was raped at 16 and never told anyone,then a 7 year relationship with someone who focused allsex on wearing womens underware. a two year relationship with an ex heroin addict. I lost my dad to cancer 4 years ago. and havent kept a boyfriend since. But i really thought i had put this aside.
Im just not sure if my behavor is a coping mechanism, or if i have a mental disorder i could get help for.
Im living in mexico now, and my home country is England. So it is quite difficult as my spanish is still a little poor, to find a therapist or even a doctor to talk to about this.
Any advice would be truely appreciated.
thanks