Mother has Borderline Personality Disorder

[kristin]

Hi, a few months ago I found out from my dad that my mother has BPD. Although I have always known something was wrong with her, the fact that she actually has a disorder came as a shock to me. My parents have been divorced for about 7 years now (I just turned 18) and my mother had had custody of me and my younger siblings. All through my life she has told me how stupid I am, how undeserving and constantly putting me down for everything I do, think, or say- making my life a living hell. Even when I was little, I would go to school everyday crying in the morning. Although she is hard on my siblings, it is worse with me. I am the oldest girl, as she was the oldest child of ten. Her parents abused her and her siblings, and I'm wondering if this is why she emotionally abuses me. Because of her impact on my self-esteem, I have gone through eating disorders and therapy. I will soon be able to move out and live with my father until I go to college, but I'm afraid that my mother will still have a big impact on my life afterward. I'd like us to at least be able to get along for ten minutes without her blowing up at me. I'm also afraid that when I'm a mother, I'll subconsciously do the same things to them as she does to me, even though I love children and can't wait to have them, whereas she didn't want to have us. Please help tell me what I can do to make this better!!! Thank you!!

[Dana]

Kristin,

I, too, have a mother with BPD.  My parents divorced when i was 5, and my mother got custody of my older brother and me.  My years with her were complete hell...and my only salvation came when i graduated from high school and went to college...i maintained a relationship with her throughout my first year of college, but soon realized that as long as i had a relationship with her, i was going to constantly have to deal with the arguments, manipulation, guilt, etc...i finally had to put my foot down and put an end to being victimized and manipulated by her- i severred ties with her when i was 19- it was the only thing i could do to preserve my own sanity and get on with my life...all i can say is that therapy is crucial!! without it, i don't know where i would be today...i was diagnosed with severe clinical depression also at age 19- and the therapy was the only thing that enabled me to deal with both my depression and the emotional and psychological scars from the years with my mother.  I am not saying that you should sever ties with her- it may not be the best thing for you- but the therapy is important..not only will it provide an outlet for you to deal with your feelings, but it will also enable you to analyze your own behaviors/reactions that have, no doubt, been affected by your mother- and you will learn how to live and act in a more positive manner...it's not easy, but trust me, it's worth it!! i wish you all the best!

[shirley]

I know what you are going through !! Some things to remember
1. YOU are not responsible for her mental health - she is
2. Don't feel guilty for leaving her and placing your mental health above yours
3. Get out as fast as possible- surround yourself with healthy female mentors
4. Find a healthy adult female who you can talk to who you can ask  " Is this healthy ?"  " Is this right?"  
5. Accept the fact that you had a messed up childhood -but remember you aren't the only one that its happened to .
6. don't  allow yourself to swallow her excuses for  " I had a rotten family "  She CHOSE to continue the abuse -it wasn't forced on her
7. There IS hope !!!  You do not have to follow her footsteps - just because she gave birth to you does not mean that you have to believe everything she says about and to you
8. when the tapes start to roll ( things your mother told you that you KNOW aren't true ) repeat to yourself  " My mom is sick - its a lie -its not true - and I am not going to believe it "
9. Be glad that she is diagnosed now and that you have a doctors diagnosis /. Many of us wish we could that our mothers were diagnosed with something that could prove that we aren't the crazy one !
10, Dont expect a wonderful relationship -at least not for the next 5-10 years . the healthier YOU get the more she will resent you - until she accepts HER illness.Once SHE starts to heal then you can expect a good relationship - until then?? Forget it . Think of her as someone who gave birth to you but not someone that you can treat as a mother .
Unfortunately there are not a lot of resources out there for the children of mentally ill mothers. Very few mental health professionals even ask their patients about their children. You might "request" a visit to her counselor so that you can ensure that your siblings will be included in her counseling issues.

[HFHS-M.D.-HG]

Dear Kristin,

People with Borderline personality disorders can have irritability, mood swings, low self-esteem, self-mutilating behaviour and even suicidal ideations. It is found to be very difficult to deal with and treat this patient population. Usually family and friends of those people suffer a lot. Seems like you are going through a lot while growing up. You may want to see a therapist on a regular basis to help you go through the transition of moving away from your mother. With counselling I think that you would be able to deal with the issues in a positive way.

Sincerely
HFHS-M.D

[barbara to pain and lortab]

I suggest once you move out, tell your mother how you feel no matter whether she blows up at you or not. If she will not listen simply tell her you don't want to ever talk with her again until she starts treating you like a human being and with the respect you deserve.

I moved across the world, away from my parents and really never have missed them one bit. My father was like your mother. I told him like it is and when I was old enough, 16 years old, I started fighting him back when he hit me. I beat him good the last time, three strong punches to his face. He has never treated me with dis-respect since! It has had long lasting emotional effects however as I generally dislike and distrust the human race because of the violent upbringing.