Step-aughter with Wicked Stepmother borderline personality disorder

[LMTK]

My stepdaughter is almost 40 years old now.  She has spent her entire life (as a child, teenager and now adult) fixated on her victimization by me (the wicked stepmother)  She sees her own mother as blameless and her father as a dupe of my wicked ways.  I write this trying to convey how absurd her made up "issues" are, but it really isn't funny or tolerable.  After all these years she still uses lies and made up stories to hurt me, hurt my relationships with the other kids in the family and to hurt her father.  I always hoped she would "grow up" and see her life as something she has control over and that she might outgrow her cruelty.  For a long time I have know she needs help dealing with a personality disorder.  Can you tell me more about this Wicked Stepmother borderline personality disorder?  I am very weary and actually "fed-up" with it all.  Can you help me?

[Jaquta]

I wrote a rather long-winded post earlier but it obviously didn't come through.

"Wicked Stepmother" is merely a label someone has used to describe you, I think.

I acknowledged feeling angry about the comments you wrote regarding your step-daughter's behavior.  I felt you judged her and were extremely critical of her.
This is a disorder and not something she chose or chooses.

Feeling victimized is how people with this disorder can feel when they feel invalidated, misunderstood, etc.

People with bpd tend to view things in black and white or as all-or-nothing or good and bad.
If she views her biological mother as good then it is incompatible for you also to be good.  People with the disorder don't typically integrate good and bad.  It can be difficult for such a person to see someone as having both good and bad qualities.

Her issues aren't absurd or made up.  From a different perspective they will feel very real.  I expect they also cover feelings of hurt, anger, fear, rejection, abandonment, etc.  Alienation, even.  I expect she feels on some level that she doesn't belong.

You need to be careful about what you judge as fact or fiction.  With the disorder you can actually be truthful without being 100% honest.
You may ask a question and she may answer it based on a vastly different context.
Some people trained in treating people with bpd are taught to see that there is a  kernel of truth in everything the person says.

Unless there had been significant life events or psychological intervention you wouldn't expect to see 'growth' or maturity in these individuals.

People who are affected significantly by emotions don't feel or perceive that events can be managed or controlled.  Or they may have this insight but be unable to adapt their behavior.

I had a lot to say on this subject but don't have the time now.

Accepting your step-daughter for who she is could help.  

I would recommend your step-daughter access therapy.
Setting boundaries and limits would also help.  

There are support groups on the net for people who have this disorder and also separate support groups for their families, etc.
yahoogroups.com has a selection.
I think A.J. Mahari has some reasonable groups.

J

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Your question has elicited a series of well formed thoughts by the forum members, each a little critical of you, but both also providing the kind of good information that will be useful to you. I do not make any judgements about right or wrong in these matters, it is a complicated process and relationship, I am sure with periods of empathy and concern, and periods of aggravation, and had enough already feelings. Unfortunatlely these kind of problems only get resolved when either both parties are ready and go to a professional therapist together; or when the child matures enough to move on, and the step mother is able to acknowledge and see the progress, and accept her back as a member of the family.

[Jaquta]

I lost my post again.  (I really should read the MedHelp newsletters informing us when the site will be off-line).

It wasn't my intention to judge or criticize anyone.

I appreciate our thoughts, feelings, etc are governed by our own life experiences.

I've been unwell and can't integrate both perspectives (both step-mother and step-daughter).  I relate strongest with the step-daughter (primarily because it reflects my own life experiences).

I personally felt I was being told to GROW UP.  I know I've distorted that but, ... Maturing and moving on can be difficult.

This has come out very differently second time round.  

I also feel that a child is unable to move on until they have their experiences (either real or imagined) validated and ... I forget the other word I used now.  Or they resolve their issues sufficiently in therapy.
I don't think it is about a parent acknowledging and seeing progress.  That seems to invalidate past experiences and traumas.  I think it would also almost alienate the child more from the parent.

These are just my opinions.

J

[BB123232]

I am sorry, LMTK, but you seem to have registered to post on these forums so that you can attack your stepdaughter and play the victim.  I'm sure your pain is very real, as is hers.  Perception is reality, after all.  If you can acknowledge your pain, can you acknowledge hers?

I agree with Jaquta, who has already given you well-thought out, well-reasoned reply.  I will not attempt to paraphrase or replicate a similar reply.

This may be completely unrelated to your rant, but I see something of you in my own mother.  I did not have step parents so I have no experience with this dynamic.  My parents abused my siblings and me -- physically, emotionally, and verbally -- yet to this day maintain that their actions were justified.  As adults, we have distanced ourselves from them, and they cite this as evidence of OUR bad behavior.  They wonder out loud why their own children would treat them this way.  I have moved on, and do not look for people to blame.  Some of my siblings still voice their hurt and do place blame.  Our parents accept none of it, instead complaining to everyone who will listen what terrible, distant, unloving children they have, even though they (according to themselves) were "very good parents".

Does that sound familiar?

Without dissecting your parenting skills, if you know that your stepdaughter has a psychological disorder, why not try to help her?  I'm sure you are very frustrated, and perhaps venting will be helpful for you.  However, I think you should be mindful of accusing the mentally ill of cruelty towards you.