I HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE!

[AshF]

Basically I am 25 almost 26 and I hate everything and everyone. I have a ****** home life ( i still live at home) I work 2 jobs and i am always tired. I am terrified of the idea of meeting new people, in my mind everyone is out to get you and will screw you over if givin the opportunity. (Based on my life i believe this is true) Every man i have ever dealt with has been mentally if not physically abusive so i have givin up on the idea of Marriage, kids or "Mr. Right"!  Its easier for me to be mad then it is for me to be happy. When i see people that are too happy it just makes me more angry! I have a ton of debt since I shop to fill a void that i have in my life. I buy things waaayy out of my budget and live far beyond my means yet I am still unhappy and i still live at home Sometimes it makes me happy to make other people angry....in a sense its like "welcome to my world" to them, I know this is NOT normal. I feel like a kid trapped in a adults body. My mother is a pain med addict who once almost overdosed on cocaine, but still will NEVER admit to it and it MAKES ME CRAZY....like she thinks im stupid or somthing. I have been on anti depressants but toke myself off without consulting my Doctor for fear of ending up like my mother. (dont get me wrong I love her more than life) I have been to councelling but can no longer afford it due to my debt. I have yet to go to college and cannot make any decision on my own, i even call my ONE friend sometimes to have her help me decide what to eat for lunch. Im fake and i pretend like i have a great life...when really i think about offing myself almost every single day.....now i just feel like its only a matter of time...till i get the guts to do it. I HATE living like this....I just want to be happy without having to buy things to feel that way...i want to be happy even if i was naked and homeless, just genuine untouchable happiness that comes from within. I used to be...Now im just anxious depressed and always angry. HELP!

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

you have already received some excellent advice. I only want to emphasize that you must get help. Your symptoms are the symptoms of depression but your age tells me something more. You are stuck in your personal development journey and much too tied to your mother and because of that you paint your future black as if you will never get out of that dependency. That's what I suggest you talk to a therapist about. You might also use some antidepressant medications as part of your therapy rather than as a long-term approach.

[Jaquta]

It sounds as though you have heaps of stuff going on in your life.

My advice would be to try and access support (psychiatrist/ psychotherapist).  
I understand about lack of finances but there are usually options available.  I personally think it is even more frustrating when you have the means or ability but you constantly sabotage yourself and your efforts.

I think you need help.  I can see that you're hurting (a lot) but with the right support things can get better.  I have learnt through experience that you need to ask for help because no one can read your mind and often people don't get how desperate or powerless or overwhelmed you feel.

Asking for help is something you can do for yourself which will help you feel like you have some control over the situation.