missing my therapist

[SweeterShimmer]

I apologize, in advance, that this is so long that I'm going to have to post it in multiple pieces, but it is a really long and complicated situation, and I'm desperate.

I had to leave my therapist of 5 years in May, because I graduated from college. She talked about termination [*cringe* I HATE that word], about how the relationship we have is special, & it's mine, & I get to take it with me, etc. I reiterated that I knew I was going to have a hard time with that, because I have a very difficult time feeling a connection to someone when they're not physically there, or when I haven't seen them in a while. That's about the extent that I would get into it, mostly because I was in denial, & I was still holding onto the hope that I could see her over the summer. She works at the college, but she also has a private practice, & since I was taking summer classes, I was able to see her at that office last summer. I am nearby again this summer, so I asked her if I could still see her, & she said no, because I needed to be finished with "this" [school], & that she's part of that. She also said no because she thinks I need more/different kind of therapy than she is able to provide, so it wouldn't be ethical for her to keep seeing me. I asked her if we could just try it, & then if she still feels that way, I'll have to accept it, if I could just have through the summer to have more time to at least work on coming to terms with leaving, etc. I told her that I wasn't going to see another therapist, so even if she thinks I need something more/different, wouldn't seeing her still be better than nothing?

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You received very good advise from Jaquta...I would only add that you should see another therapist not for therapy, but to work out all of these strong feelings and complicated considerations....only after that, decide on therapy.  That may be all you need, since all the deep separation issues are already on the surface.

[Jaquta]

My personal view is that your T didn't prepare you enough for termination.
How did you mange breaks (leave, holidays, sick days, etc)?

I perceive termination to be final but the returning would perhaps cater for relapses, etc.  In your case I think you may need more therapy.  If you didn't have issues or the termination didn't affect you this badly then perhaps you may not have needed a new T.

I think because the relationship was so important to you and because it ended the way it did you didn't really get closure on it.

I think it would be important for you to arrange to see a new T.  The difficulties you had with ending your old relationship would then become material to work with and through with your new T.

I've been through several terminations -each of them different.
The first I invested a lot in but felt was extremely damaging.  I was discharged from the service.  The T still worked there and I was still desperate for support and contact.  My mental health really deteriorated and I became extremely unwell.  I think in time it became easier.  My anger was channeled and was used as motivation to do healthy things.  I didn't work through any of my termination issues, just pushed them away.
I then started with this new T many months later during another crisis (the death of four family members in one month).  It was hard as I went into the service again having no hope and not trusting anyone.  This new T had me attend two 50 minute sessions per week which later increased to three 50 minute sessions.  This T left last year.  We'd work through issues when she was due to go on leave, etc.  Knowing that the structure would return when she did helped.  That made coping with the time-limited leave easier.  The consistency made a huge difference too.  During our final session we said goodbye, although this had been worked towards since I first started with her.

Advice?  Arrange to see a new T.  Perhaps try to focus on the positives you've taken from the time you've spent with the old T.  It's normal to feel sad about losing contact.

I've had trouble with feeling connected too, although for me it seems more apparent in creating distance and making it harder for me to engage with others.  I seem to withdraw when the connection has been ?damaged (changed??).

Lunch in some respects seems to violate boundaries.  I think your T blurred the boundaries of the relationship a little.  It's understandable that you would now be feeling stressed and anxious and confused.
My old T wouldn't think four hours sessions were appropriate.

These almost sound like the abandonment issues someone with bpd would have.

Sorry this is not very helpful.  I'm being interrupted and my thoughts are becoming all jumbled.
Because it was an 'artificial ending' you need to persevere with therapy.

J

[SweeterShimmer]

I am trying not to email/call her, because I know I need to keep that distance in order to get past this, but I feel like it's getting harder & harder to live with the fact that I can't see or talk to her. I'm trying not to pick up the phone & call her office just to listen to her voice on the machine, because I know it'll just make me more upset. I'm trying not to email her, because it hurts when she doesn't respond, & it hurts even more when she does respond, because it makes me miss her even more. I just don't know what to do. I could talk to my friends, but no one can really underst& how this feels unless they've been in therapy, & had a really strong bond with their therapist. I gave in a few weeks ago & called one of the therapists on her list. I talked to her for about 20min, & I even made a tentative appt, but I ended up canceling it, because I started crying when I was telling her about my therapist, etc. & I was hysterical by the time I hung up, so I knew I wouldn't be able to go through with it. Plus, as of now, I'm only going to be in the area for the summer, so it's too much to start & end that quickly. Just the idea of starting over with a new therapist brings me to tears.
One of the things that worries me is that this feels like a death. I also have Complicated Bereavement issues. My best friend died a little over 4 years ago, & for a year or two after, I had dreams about her nearly every night. Now I've noticed my therapist has often been appearing in my dreams. I don't know what to do. I don't want to cry anymore, but I miss her so much. I won't say this hurts more than a death, but in this case I KNOW she's around, & yet I can't see or talk to her. I kind of want to email her & ask her to respond just so I can prove to my subconscious that she's still alive. That sounds silly. I don't want to put her in an awkward position of giving me the contact I want, but trying to make me keep the distance that I need, or putting her in some weird ethical dilemma where she knows she shouldn't respond because, technically she's not "my therapist" anymore. I also don't want to hear her say that I need to see another therapist.
I've seen plenty of stuff about termination, but it all pretty much says the same thing: consider returning to therapy etc. I haven't seen anything relevant to a situation like this, when there is sort of an artificial end to therapy, when someone truly is not ready to end, & when returning to the therapist isn't an option.  
Sorry this is so long, but I would really appreciate any advice, or insight, or ANYTHING you could give me, because I am completely lost.

[SweeterShimmer]

I saw her several times the last week before graduation. She wanted to take me out to lunch on that Thursday, & then have another double session after, but I was so depressed that whole week over graduation, leaving her, & everything else, that I had no appetite at all, so we ended up just having like a 4 hour session, & she suggested we do lunch before our session the following Monday (after graduation). As we were leaving, she said she would check her email tomorrow (Friday). Well, I emailed her Thurs. night, & I didn't hear from her, so I called her office & left a voicemail, but I still didn't hear anything. But, it was OK, because I knew I could at least process the weekend with her on Monday. Well, Mon. came, & I got an email from her saying that she needed to reschedule for Tuesday because there was something wrong with her car, & her cell phone wouldn't hold a charge, so she was uncomfortable driving 2 hours (to the college & back). I told her I understood, & asked her if we were still having lunch. Tues. came, & she said we could only have like a 40min session, because she had to do all her end of the year paperwork, & she also had her son with her, because he was sick. I was a little upset, but it was still better than nothing. I said that was OK, & reminded her that my parents were coming to help me pack that day, & then we were moving out of my apartment tomorrow (Wednesday), but that I could cut out for a while if it would be better for her to see me then. She said that would actually be better, because then she wouldn't have to move her son, etc. I emailed her back & said "You'll definitely be here tomorrow, right?" She said, "I'll be there." So I was going to see her Wed afternoon. The movers came early in the morning, & my parents drove home to meet them there while I hung around until my appt. As soon as they left around 10AM, I checked my email, & saw an email from someone in Counseling Services saying she wouldn't be in, & she would email me later in the day. I was hysterical. Besides the obvious stuff, I had a gift for her, & I was waiting until our last session to give it to her (I ended up leaving it in the office for her). I finally got an email from her saying that she had to take her son to the doctor & she was sorry she wasn't there, & she would email me the list of referrals. I asked her if we could at least talk on the phone tomorrow (Thursday). She said we could do that, so I asked her to wait to open the present until then. We talked that Thurs for about 40min, because she had to go to a session at her other office (I hate when she says that, it makes me so sad & jealous). She reminded me that I could still email her, etc. & that was it. I emailed her a few times, & didn't hear anything, which isn't that unusual. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I was having a really hard time, because I don't know anyone where I'm living right now, & I'm not enjoying my internship, etc, so I started emailing her, & my computer crashed. I left a voicemail at her office asking her to call or email me, & I would try to email her from my office the next day. Just hearing her voice on the machine made me start crying. She emailed me the next morning saying that she was about to start a session, but to email her, & she would try to get back to me by the end of the day. Again, I was in the middle of writing her a long email, so I just finished it quickly & sent it. She wrote back later saying that I should look in certain newspapers for activities. I don't know if I was angry, hurt, sad, or what, but that email surprised me. It was normal, there wasn't anything even remotely mean or offensive, but it really upset me. I don't know what I expected, but she knows me, & I can't imagine how she could have thought I would be comforted or helped by that brief, one-line email. I wrote back, & I sent her something completely unrelated a few days later, but I haven't heard from her since. Also, I friended her on facebook, because a few of my friends who saw her & graduated before me are friends with her, & I thought it would be OK to do that now, but she rejected my request. I'm not sure what to make of that...