Avatar universal


Today I am heartbroken.

I met my hubby when I was 14 and he was 17. We've been together since. I married him as soon as I turned 18. I graduated mid-term, giving up an honors diploma, and moved immediately to be with him a few states away (he was military). Since, we have had 3 kids and lived in 2 other states, but are now back near our families. Things weren't always great. He cheated several times and was diagnosed as a sex addict a few years back, but then he entered therapy with me and we "worked through it." My hubby is a cop, so I've worked hard to protect his reputation over the years, but I am paying the price while he's able to move on with life and expect me to be able to as well. He use to be abusive, though I will not go into the different ways of this for fear it get into the wrong hands. He really has changed a lot since over the last few years. I really have too though, and not all to his liking. I'm more independent at times, and then other times I'm one with the couch all day battling it out in my head with depression. I am being treated for Borderline Personality Disorder and have been since 2004. My discovery of his secret side of life as a sex addict, plus my past childhood/adolescent/adult sexual abuse I received triggered this my therapists believe. I have tried to heal and I try so hard to change. I'm very difficult on myself because of the slow rate I move in this process. He is to a point now where he wants more in life and feels he deserves a wife that does to. He wants a wife that isn't so emotionally distant and desires him sexually. I honestly cringe inside when he touches me and he can see that now. Aside from all the negatives, he is my best friend and he agrees that I'm his. We are soooo different from each other, yet he's all I've ever known. I've been with him for more than half my life and I just turned 32. My kids are healthy and happy at home and at school and I would hate for that to change more than anything!!!

I wrote the following message, with no reply yet, to my hubby of about 14 years earlier today:
*I feel sad and empty. I know a big part of it is because of the way my dreams went last night, but I also think it's because of you and I in the real world. I am confused and lost. I can't tell whether you are completely done trying or not, and I don't want to invest any more in this relationship if you are done. If you aren't finished, I will continue to try and will be asking God for a miracle. I can't tell if my current level of grieving is because of what's inevitable at our rate, or because I have begun to accept that outcome subconsciously already. I know it doesn't feel good to be here though, wherever "here" is.*
That note pretty much sums up me right now. I turned down a job position this morning because I knew it wouldn't pay enough if I am forced to become a single mom of three. I may have to take on warehouse work, which would be new to me but pays enough to get a cheep apartment and some food hopefully. I applied at the local Amazon.com warehouse over the weekend and got a call from them this morning to remind me to come in and interview this week.I would be required to work at least 10-hour shifts and on holidays, so childcare would become an issue I'd have to figure out. I hate this! I am fighting back tears of sadness and fear. I dreamt last night that we were divorced and both had new partners. He was happy and she was perfect for him. I was in a more complex relationship, requiring lots of changes from me. I woke up heartbroken and afraid that I was seeing the inevitable future. My hubby has told me over the last week that he is done, whatever "done" means, and yet here he is still. I have distanced myself behind a wall for protection inside, yet that same wall could be what tumbles onto me and finally ends me, and us.

Best Answer
136956 tn?1425606272
He doesnt seem remorseful from what I am getting from you.

You are a strong person and I have been in your shoes before. 7yrs later and I am in the best position of my life as a single parent.

No one deserves to be treated in this manner and its not you.  I wouldnt want him to touch me either after he slept with so many other women.

Once that happens, things change. You either can move on or you cant. I am not one that could. I deserve more then that and I will never be someone elses punching bag because they cant fix themselves.

My ex has had many girlfriends after me and I didnt see anyone for 7 yrs.  I was always angry that he could move on but then I started to realize that he wasnt happy and I was.  I learned to be alone and to love myself and best friend or not he doesnt have the right to do that to you.

He is triggering the depression and the personality disorder because of his own behaviour and you stress is making it worse.

When I was with my ex I wanted to commit suicide and I became a psycho almost as if I had some disorder.

I left that situation and I really am happy.

Please dont settle for anything less then you deserve no matter how long you have known him.  

Your own self worth is what is the most important.

I am here if you need to talk :)
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Avatar universal
To add to my confusion, my psychotherapist says he sees no hope for my hubby and I to have a healthy relationship due to our complicated history. He told me to continue going to college like I do and prepare for the inevitable...which has now proven to be more immediate than I realized when we talked last week.

My counselor, however, believes there is hope. He sees both my hubby and I and he said to me last week that we are rolling together in a ball headed towards a cliff. His job is to try and get us rolling in the other direction, and that we are so close to the cliff that I should go into survival mode and rely on God.
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Avatar universal
Thanks very much for your response. It really makes sense and gives me hope in myself.
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136956 tn?1425606272
Okay so your confusion with what both therapists are so different. The second one must be a Christian therapist?    

My Dad cheated on my mother over and over and over again and she always took him back because people in the church told her she should because that would be the Christian thing to do.  

Now after seeing how long she has lived with him this long and how he treats her still 30yrs later she is not as happy as I know she would be if she left him.  I tell her to this day she needs to leave him.  He doesnt deserve her at all. She is an amazing human being and in the bible if someone commits adultery the door is open to leave.  

Just dont stay because you feel guilty.  
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