Aa
Loss
I am feeling a bit of emotional pain tonight. I have a very close girlfriend and we liked each other the first time we met about five years ago. I have seen her through a real struggle with chronic depression and been there for her while she trusted very few people to see her darker moments. Then she *finally* got in to see a specialist who was able to make remarkable progress with her over the course of a year.. and she's back to work and doing well at work and back to being successful and productive. Her life is not without issues, however it's a HUGE turnaround. I have never believed that people should give you what you give them. I believe you give what you want to and let other people give what they want to. And yet... I guess...I expected that she would be there for me to at least some degree. She has not asked me the results of any of my tests. She has not answered my phone messages and no, I'm not leaving many...I'm trying not to intrude my life into hers..so I left her two.. and then stopped. I only get a response when I ask her by email if she's doing okay because it's not like her to be so quiet. And then she'll email and tell me she's sooooooo sorry, she's been so busy with work that she's just coming home and dropping into bed. I had already told her that I would tell her the results when she had a quiet moment finally...well....first test result was Sept. 7th..second was Sept. 27th...and then we got to Oct. 6th...and she hasn't asked. So....it was too hard to keep having her not ... ask. I'm going to resist saying "not care" because that's how it FEELS but that doesn't mean that's how it IS. So.. I finally emailed her the results...telling her I didn't really need to see her in person, that it wasn't that big a deal after all. Told her how things are...and wished her well with everything going on in her life. And there has been no response to that email.. and no phone call.
So...I'm hurting. I don't really understand and while I think maybe it's too much for her....I am a person who digs deep to find the strength to be there when my friends are in trouble. I didn't really expect this from her. She's been like this on other serious things but... I really never expected it from her on THIS. It's hard for me to get close to people and she and I got really close...and it's really hard to describe the hurt and loss I feel. I can do this without her but it hurts alot to know that that's what it will be like.
I don't really know what else to say. Anybody else experienced people really close to them turning away from them while going through HCV? It's a bit much for me to deal with this right now on top of everything else and I've been experiencing alot of loss lately.
So...I'm hurting. I don't really understand and while I think maybe it's too much for her....I am a person who digs deep to find the strength to be there when my friends are in trouble. I didn't really expect this from her. She's been like this on other serious things but... I really never expected it from her on THIS. It's hard for me to get close to people and she and I got really close...and it's really hard to describe the hurt and loss I feel. I can do this without her but it hurts alot to know that that's what it will be like.
I don't really know what else to say. Anybody else experienced people really close to them turning away from them while going through HCV? It's a bit much for me to deal with this right now on top of everything else and I've been experiencing alot of loss lately.
awww you hang in there - if you ever want to talk you can call me, email me and I will give you my number...
Beth
Beth
Sorry for a delayed response....I've been waiting for a quiet moment to respond here and I'm not finding one so I'm just going to get it done.
PSP, DAV, l-horn, Autmnhope, GrandmaA, meki, Forseegood, debnevada....thank you. When I read all these comments I felt like I'd been hugged. I appreciate the time and the thoughtfulness from all of you. My biggest fear going into this was the people I'd lose. I figured some people would back away and while I'm okay with going through this..it's the people I'll lose that concerns me. And yes, not having her support is something to adjust to. However...I'm not without other supports and it's important to take stock of those things as you've all pointed out. And I do have them in various ways and you've all offered good suggestions to fill the gaps and strategies to get by. I appreciate all your thoughts and encouragements. I've regrouped and back at the good fight again. I'm very grateful for this forum and the people in it. Hope I can pay it forward. Wishing good things for all of you.
Trish
PSP, DAV, l-horn, Autmnhope, GrandmaA, meki, Forseegood, debnevada....thank you. When I read all these comments I felt like I'd been hugged. I appreciate the time and the thoughtfulness from all of you. My biggest fear going into this was the people I'd lose. I figured some people would back away and while I'm okay with going through this..it's the people I'll lose that concerns me. And yes, not having her support is something to adjust to. However...I'm not without other supports and it's important to take stock of those things as you've all pointed out. And I do have them in various ways and you've all offered good suggestions to fill the gaps and strategies to get by. I appreciate all your thoughts and encouragements. I've regrouped and back at the good fight again. I'm very grateful for this forum and the people in it. Hope I can pay it forward. Wishing good things for all of you.
Trish
what a wonderful bunch of folks at your church, and your neighbor is an angel - you are truly blessed :) I love hearing these stories of good will - thanks for sharing :)
i feel really understood is here. We all react to differently to treatment but so much is in common. I talk via email to a number of people from here and it is like a warm blanket to get emails from them.
I have found several uncomfortable reactions and two or three folks who turned out to be angels from heaven. Pat, my neighbor, in particular, has taken me to the ER, cooked for me, called me twice a day to see how i'm feeling, offered to dress a wound that is, at the very least, private in nature, and so on. She gives me these things she calls "Happies" which are, for example, a little sachet that says "Gal Pals", or a pair of flip flops that said "Boy Scout" on them....
whoda thunk this angel would have stepped up like this?
people from my church send me groceries once a month...once i saw the bill, usually the grocery store masks it, and it is a $200 gift. Usually it has just the things I need, like soft food or tea or stuff for smoothies, etc, milk, cat food, etc. I can afford my own food, but they do this.
So there are some out there, Trish.
I have found several uncomfortable reactions and two or three folks who turned out to be angels from heaven. Pat, my neighbor, in particular, has taken me to the ER, cooked for me, called me twice a day to see how i'm feeling, offered to dress a wound that is, at the very least, private in nature, and so on. She gives me these things she calls "Happies" which are, for example, a little sachet that says "Gal Pals", or a pair of flip flops that said "Boy Scout" on them....
whoda thunk this angel would have stepped up like this?
people from my church send me groceries once a month...once i saw the bill, usually the grocery store masks it, and it is a $200 gift. Usually it has just the things I need, like soft food or tea or stuff for smoothies, etc, milk, cat food, etc. I can afford my own food, but they do this.
So there are some out there, Trish.
Whenever things have happened to me like this (and i'm sure they happen to everybody) I try to look at my own expectations of the person or situation. They say the devil is in the details, well, the devil can be in expectations as well. What I try to do, is go into acceptance as to how things are, not how I want them to be. Once I get all the information, or all the information that I'm going to get.
That doesn't mean that I'm signing up to be a doormat for anybody, or that I think I should be doing all the giving in a relationship....and that I'm okay with that.....but I kind of adjust my expectations to the situation at hand.
I guess what I'd do in your place, (and of course I've had to do this more then once in my life anyway) is realize that this woman obviously can't deal with my own problems or situation, for whatever reason.
Probably doesn't really matter what the reason is, as long as I know that I haven't done anything to offend her, for my part.
I'd guess that it probably doesn't have much to do with you personally, but that she's more afraid of what she can take on her own plate right now, due to the fact that she has had severe depression problems in the past, etc....course I don't know for sure about any of this, just guessing from what you said in your post, I could be completely wrong.
Maybe she just doesn't have that much to give to other people right now, for whatever reason. It's too bad for her, because I really think that the best way to get over our own problems is help someone else in need (children and animals are included in there for me), but maybe she's too fragile for that, and too caught up on her own problems right now.
Upshot of all this is, there are plenty of people out there who do not react like this to other people experiencing serious problems, and they'll want to give you a helping hand, now that you need it. Have a more give and take relationship with you.
There are plenty of kind-hearted people right here on this board fer instance! Or maybe, there is a support group in your area, etc. Perhaps you could find someone you can relate to right here on this board, and email them, talk on the phone, etc, I find no one can understand you better then a fellow traveler with this disease. There are plenty of people out there, sometimes we just have to do a little work to find them. This is only my take I realize, and maybe other people have other takes on this. Hope you feel better about all this soon!
That doesn't mean that I'm signing up to be a doormat for anybody, or that I think I should be doing all the giving in a relationship....and that I'm okay with that.....but I kind of adjust my expectations to the situation at hand.
I guess what I'd do in your place, (and of course I've had to do this more then once in my life anyway) is realize that this woman obviously can't deal with my own problems or situation, for whatever reason.
Probably doesn't really matter what the reason is, as long as I know that I haven't done anything to offend her, for my part.
I'd guess that it probably doesn't have much to do with you personally, but that she's more afraid of what she can take on her own plate right now, due to the fact that she has had severe depression problems in the past, etc....course I don't know for sure about any of this, just guessing from what you said in your post, I could be completely wrong.
Maybe she just doesn't have that much to give to other people right now, for whatever reason. It's too bad for her, because I really think that the best way to get over our own problems is help someone else in need (children and animals are included in there for me), but maybe she's too fragile for that, and too caught up on her own problems right now.
Upshot of all this is, there are plenty of people out there who do not react like this to other people experiencing serious problems, and they'll want to give you a helping hand, now that you need it. Have a more give and take relationship with you.
There are plenty of kind-hearted people right here on this board fer instance! Or maybe, there is a support group in your area, etc. Perhaps you could find someone you can relate to right here on this board, and email them, talk on the phone, etc, I find no one can understand you better then a fellow traveler with this disease. There are plenty of people out there, sometimes we just have to do a little work to find them. This is only my take I realize, and maybe other people have other takes on this. Hope you feel better about all this soon!
Maybe I'm weird --- but after looking back... I found that it was "ME" distancing myself from others that I was close to ---- in the very begining of TX.
Somewhere around the middle - I realized life is too short to not have fun.
Don't worry - if a friend is a friend ---- then they will be there no matter what.
If they aren't there --- then they never were.
Somewhere around the middle - I realized life is too short to not have fun.
Don't worry - if a friend is a friend ---- then they will be there no matter what.
If they aren't there --- then they never were.
l-horn, I'm sorry you haven't been able to contact your friend. It does sound like he hasn't been able to contact you and I hope you find a way to get in touch and get some news of him or from him.
Thanks to everyone for your comments. It helped alot.
Thanks to everyone for your comments. It helped alot.
Same thing happened to me. my friend was calling everyday asking if I had the test back yet. She was OK when it was just the Liver but when Hep C entered she was gone. We have been friends for 15 years and now nothing. It sucks but I have other things to worry about. I allways thought she was my best friend now I know it is and always has been my hubby.
I hope you have someone to lean on. It really does help.
I hope you have someone to lean on. It really does help.
So sorry you have been so disappointed in your friend. When we have a deep need we find out how much of a friend they were. However, we try not to judge and leave it in the Lord's hands. People who don't have hepatitis C or a family member with it have NO IDEA what we go through and how bad we sometimes feel. You must release her and let her go. Your expectation of her is what hurts. Please for your own benefit, have NO expectation. You can always come here. We understand.
I-horn
Perhaps your friend CANNOT contact you. Maybe he didn't survive or maybe he's too sick. I'm very sorry you were treated that way. But such is life. Just do your best and leave it in God's hands. He knows best. Sometimes we have no idea what someone else is going through.
I-horn
Perhaps your friend CANNOT contact you. Maybe he didn't survive or maybe he's too sick. I'm very sorry you were treated that way. But such is life. Just do your best and leave it in God's hands. He knows best. Sometimes we have no idea what someone else is going through.
Yes. I have a very good friend, actually a former therapist who treated me from many years ago that we stayed in touch and became friends after he retired. We got along really well and he had the same twisted sense of humor as I do so we just 'clicked'. He was dx with colon cancer about the same time I was dx'd with HCV. He also had done the HCV treatment, twice, and was one of the original riba trial people. Anyway, I have not been able to get in contact with him and I'm worried about him. His chemo was suppose to be over by now.
No, I can't MAKE her be there. And I decided when this HCV hit that I wouldn't ASK anyone to be there for me, that I want them to be there by choice. It's funny how writing something down is like thinking out loud. I did the exact thing to her that I decided I didn't want to do to anyone. I realize I forced it on her by emailing it to her. I was releasing her for my sake...but it was a selfish way of doing it, I realize now. The better thing would have been to simply leave her be. I can't change it now. There is no way I want to tell her I'm disappointed in her Bob...I appreciate what you're saying....it goes against my own personal choices. To be disappointed in her would be to put expectations on her in the first place. She never promised to be there and I can't expect anyone to be there. This is MY fight. And I have to do this regardless of who is there or not and I will not expect anyone to be there for me. If they are there then that's bonus...but will not, cannot expect anyone to be there. And afraid to count on anyone at all other than myself. Had a real blow from someone who DID make big large pledges of support that I did NOT ask for and then bailed in a really hurtful way right before I got my first test results and that hit me harder than I really wanted.
I think it is simply too much for her and it is simply mine to accept that. There's really no other choice. Just a bit too heavy the loss sometimes and once I accept it then I'll deal with it like everything else and it will get better again.
Thank you for listening....and for sharing your thoughts. Has helped me to focus mine. Like that line from the Van Morrison song ... It ain't why .. it just is.
I think it is simply too much for her and it is simply mine to accept that. There's really no other choice. Just a bit too heavy the loss sometimes and once I accept it then I'll deal with it like everything else and it will get better again.
Thank you for listening....and for sharing your thoughts. Has helped me to focus mine. Like that line from the Van Morrison song ... It ain't why .. it just is.
Your friend went thru her demons and you gave her great support.Remember the old saying we always trun on the ones we love??It's very likely your friend is still weaker than you think and is affraid to allow herself to dwell on what you helped her thru or what your going thru.I'm sorry to say you may have to move on and let her decide what she can and can't handle but I wouldn't be affraid to send her and email and tell her your disappointed in her for snubbing you now?what would she have done without you?Some people are just users,be glad you could help a fellow human and give her some room for both of you to recover you can't make her be there and if she was under duress you wouldn't get the real person anyway.Good Luck God Bless
Bob
Bob
I am so sorry your friend is not more empathetic...Yes I am sure it hurts like hell that she hasn't showed much interest, but when we get sick it is hard for others to know what to say and do...I got real angry with my Step Daughter when I first started tx - she would call to talk to her Dad and say "so Beth whatcha been up to, having lots of fun" I just about went through the roof at her..But, she had no idea how it feels to wake up each and every day feeling like crappe...Maybe your friend is a "fair weather friend" or maybe she just doesn't know what to say...Try not to be so upset...I know it's easier said than done..But it's very rare to have all friends really stick by you when the poop hits the fan...
We all know how you feel, talk about it in here and hopefully it will help...
Sending a cyber hug your way Beth
We all know how you feel, talk about it in here and hopefully it will help...
Sending a cyber hug your way Beth
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