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HOCD confused I REALLY NEED HELP
Hi this is going to be a long post but hopefully you'll be kind enough to read through it and give me some advice. I'm a 21 year old male who has dealt with occasional OCD rituals since I was 13. Anyhow I'm not sure how i started getting the thoughts and the subsequent groinal responses all i remember is that i was working in a pretty stressful environment ( I was being harassed by a creep supervisor who is male btw he got fired for other reasons... I'm a waiter in a restaurant) I know I'm to blame for not speaking up cause i have really low self esteem and confidence in myself. In addition to the stress I also remember all off a sudden a bad memory popped in my head and kept going on replay about a conflict i had with my mother (we never really got along). Somehow subconsciously I displaced my anger to almost every women i saw I don't even know why (unfortunately i'm still doing that and it's scary cause i feel i have no control over it so i try to make my contacts with women as quickly as possible). I've always loved women and have gotten aroused before but was never in a relationship. I guess it's complicated cause I was 13 when i started college (community college) and grades we're MY LIFE but things really started going downhill at 19 I started to have urination problems ( i pretty much have to go every 20 to 30 minutes) the doctors think i have held so much stress it effected my bladder muscles to tighten up so I'm doing exercises but it hasn't helped too much. I became very depressed and kinda gave up on college (it ***** cause i was going to transfer and got accepted to UCLA and UCI) and since then I was trying to do things to make me happier but i lose interest quickly cause of my physical health. Anyhow back to the HOCD...... its REALLY EFFING BAD cause unlike some of the forums i read i get a response on nearly any male i see even a reallly ugly old guy. My head is in hell right now i can't even incorporate whats handsome or not and I used to now what a good looking guy looks like without ever feeling
aroused. It's really depressing cause i know for sure that i'm not a bad looking guy as well and i'm not sure if i'll ever come back to myself I really want to have a girlfriend get married. BTW im not homophobic but i'm really scared of becoming gay myself cause i know i'm not and never will be. I've had a couple panic attacks and my head seems to feel really tight. Mentally it's so bad i can't even appreciate anything trees, cars, fish ( i was a car enthusiast, appreciated landscaping, and had my interest in aquariums) My vision gets blurry sometimes and i feel completely lost I feel literally like a zombie. I can only render 2 expressions depression and anger. I'm not sure if it can get any worse than this or how much more i can take. My uncle is a doctor and lives with me he advises me not to see a psychiatrist cause it will go on my record making it hard for me to get a decent job in the future (I'm not sure if that will ever happen at this point). I've also been on paxil but stopped cause of the side effects. MY LIFE ***** can someone tell me where to start and convince me why i should still be living?
aroused. It's really depressing cause i know for sure that i'm not a bad looking guy as well and i'm not sure if i'll ever come back to myself I really want to have a girlfriend get married. BTW im not homophobic but i'm really scared of becoming gay myself cause i know i'm not and never will be. I've had a couple panic attacks and my head seems to feel really tight. Mentally it's so bad i can't even appreciate anything trees, cars, fish ( i was a car enthusiast, appreciated landscaping, and had my interest in aquariums) My vision gets blurry sometimes and i feel completely lost I feel literally like a zombie. I can only render 2 expressions depression and anger. I'm not sure if it can get any worse than this or how much more i can take. My uncle is a doctor and lives with me he advises me not to see a psychiatrist cause it will go on my record making it hard for me to get a decent job in the future (I'm not sure if that will ever happen at this point). I've also been on paxil but stopped cause of the side effects. MY LIFE ***** can someone tell me where to start and convince me why i should still be living?
There are many medications for OCD and I think the one you took was just not the right one for you. Don't let that sour you on meds. I'm guessing it was a general practitioner that prescribed the meds since you have not seen a psychiatrist? GPs have much more knowledge now about mental disorders and how to treat them these days but there is no substitute for the psychologist/psychiatrist combination. The psychologist can teach you CBT and talk through things that are bothering you while the psychiatrist can prescribe the medication.
As far as looking at a guy and saying it's a woman...why not say "NOPE, ENOUGH, NOT GOING THERE!" Kind of yell at yourself in your head. It is a form of self-coaching. What you are doing is not even giving into the thought. When you give the thought no credit, it will go away because you have taken the fear out of it.
So for instance I have panicked when I drive sometimes. But recently I haven't because when I start to think about it happening I say to myself "bring it on, I can handle it." So I have just taken the fear away from it and I don't panic.
You may have the same urination problem I had. You go but you feel like you still have to go. Mine stemmed from peeing my pants when I was 7 in a very public place. So it was something in my past that kind of came back to haunt me when my stress level was increased.
I don't mind talking to people on the forum. What I do mind is when people keep posting and act like they never read what I wrote. I want to see action from people. I want to see that you have made an appointment to see a psychologist. I want to see you moving forward. OCD is not something you have to suffer from for the rest of your life. We will never be OCD free but it can be managed quite well. I'm married, successful, have children...it has not held me back.
In the mean time here is a breathing exercise you can do to help calm yourself down. Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for five seconds and count this out in your head, then let it all out through your mouth. You can try it first lying down with your hands on your stomach so you can feel the rise and fall of it. This is a technique you can do anywhere and nobody will even know you are doing it. Basically it is possible to hyperventilate without really knowing you are doing it...blurry vision, depersonalization...so try the breathing next time this happens.
Also, look up some meditation videos on YouTube. There are some good ones out there and they will help you relax. And above all, try to keep yourself busy even if it is manual labor. Go cut something down in your yard. Anything to keep your mind occupied.
As far as looking at a guy and saying it's a woman...why not say "NOPE, ENOUGH, NOT GOING THERE!" Kind of yell at yourself in your head. It is a form of self-coaching. What you are doing is not even giving into the thought. When you give the thought no credit, it will go away because you have taken the fear out of it.
So for instance I have panicked when I drive sometimes. But recently I haven't because when I start to think about it happening I say to myself "bring it on, I can handle it." So I have just taken the fear away from it and I don't panic.
You may have the same urination problem I had. You go but you feel like you still have to go. Mine stemmed from peeing my pants when I was 7 in a very public place. So it was something in my past that kind of came back to haunt me when my stress level was increased.
I don't mind talking to people on the forum. What I do mind is when people keep posting and act like they never read what I wrote. I want to see action from people. I want to see that you have made an appointment to see a psychologist. I want to see you moving forward. OCD is not something you have to suffer from for the rest of your life. We will never be OCD free but it can be managed quite well. I'm married, successful, have children...it has not held me back.
In the mean time here is a breathing exercise you can do to help calm yourself down. Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for five seconds and count this out in your head, then let it all out through your mouth. You can try it first lying down with your hands on your stomach so you can feel the rise and fall of it. This is a technique you can do anywhere and nobody will even know you are doing it. Basically it is possible to hyperventilate without really knowing you are doing it...blurry vision, depersonalization...so try the breathing next time this happens.
Also, look up some meditation videos on YouTube. There are some good ones out there and they will help you relax. And above all, try to keep yourself busy even if it is manual labor. Go cut something down in your yard. Anything to keep your mind occupied.
Thanks for replying. What you said made a lot of sense I will definitely look into getting with a psychologist and psychiatrist. The side effect i got from taking paxil was after i took it for about 2 weeks first i felt really mellow (super relaxed) and then at night i started to feel really really down and had nonstop suicidal thoughts when that happened i just ran to my bed and covered up myself and luckily made it through the night. You know what's strange i was outside and when i saw a guy i would tell myself that's a woman and then I'd have no groinal response. Do you think i should keep doing this? I also forgot to mention my eye's feel really stressed if i look at people with green or blue eyes it doesn't make any sense at all cause i used to think and still do believe green and blue eyes are the coolest ever. With my urination problem....... yeah i actually have to go but when i do i never feel like i'm completely empty. I think i have to find out how to relax and do what i want to do. . . before the hocd even though i was depressed i came up with business plans and read tons of books on entreprenuership now i can barely focus on wiping the floors in my house. I really hope I can pull myself back together. Thanks again and please keep replying i don't have anyone to talk to or feel comfortable talking to about this problem.
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You have had a very different life. You went to college at 13 so you are some sort of genius. But at 13 you are not going to fit into college. The people are so much older than you...no wonder you developed self-esteem issues. As for the urination....do you reallly have to go or just feel like you have to? I ask because stress caused me to irrationally think I had to go all the time when I was in college. Even when I left the bathroom I wanted to run right back in. I had to make myself stop that behavior. I had to stop giving into the thoughts.
You need to learn how to counter these thoughts. You need to learn cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and that comes from a psychologist. This is a disorder not unlike diabetes for instance. Their bodies don't make insulin and our bodies lack certain neurotransmitters in our brains for the cells to function properly. Sometimes you can get by with CBT alone and sometimes you need both i.e., medication to correct the imbalance.
The whole reason you are questioning whether you want to live is because you have been fighting OCD for so long you have become depressed. It has made you angry. Trust me...who wants to live like this...nobody. We all just want to be normal. You mentioned panic attacks, blurry vision and what I assume is depersonalization which are all common symptoms of anxiety. I am a big believer in getting help for what is wrong and I think in your case it is the OCD. Unchecked OCD leads to off the hook anxiety and then on to depression.
As far as the meds go, I have never been on paxil so I'm not sure what side effects you are talking about. I take Wellbutrin now and have taken Prozac, celexa and Lexapro in the past along with some klonopin. Maybe you can enlighten me about the side effects you had.
Looking forward to hearing from you. Take care of you!