My mind have been driving me crazy, my thoughts, SCARED

[Kimparker]

Ok first, I started birth control pills like a month or two before this started happening. I took two pack of pills and I finished my last pack and stopped taking them because I didn’t know if it was the pill or just me making me feel crazy. I was really happy before, no sadness no nothing, hanging with friends, in a healthy one year happy relationship, school is going well, life is good therefore there was no reason to feel sad constantly or anything so I felt confused on what’s goin on. I started feeling really distant from everyone including my partner (on and off) but I know I wasn’t distant like I can just feel it that it’s my mind, something is off. In addition to that, a friend of mine brought up a old friend, someone from the past, it was fine didn’t really bother me or anything because there’s no need for it to bother me. Asked me if I knew the person I said yes, person is cool and what not, didn’t really look at it as anything cause I don’t know it just didn’t matter to me. However the more the friend brought up the name, it’s like one day I woke up and the name just constantly repeats in my head, just the name, like I don’t really know if I’m explaining it well but it’s like no I’m not thinking about this person instead it’s like the name that’s stuck on repeat in my mind. It came to the point where it felt like I was going crazy, where I even wrote the name down over & over on paper & burnt it thinking that would help (i know just stupid). In fact it didn’t really help. It became frustrating to the point where I felt like it’s starting to affect my relationship mentally because this name is repeating in my mind and I’m in a happy healthy place. The frustration became intense that it became part of the reason why I stopped taking my birth control pill because I didn’t know if it was because of the pill or just me.

Fast forward to a month, off birth control. I started feeling a bit like myself again, not fully but I find myself not to be so deeply sad or depressing feeling. Recently, I’ve noticed I wasn’t distant from my partner although I felt like I was, what I felt like I was going through was like someone with BDP (it’s weird because I don’t have BDP, well I don’t know if I do, hope not). My partner makes me happy the connection is still there although before I felt on & off. So fast forward, the person’s name that constantly been repeating in my head, it’s still been repeating in my head the only difference is that I stopped trying to figure out why that’s happening because the more I do the more frustrating it gets BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME. However some days it bothers me really bad especially when I’m alone I get too deep in my thoughts with the repetition, unwanted thoughts. At one point when It felt like yea it was gone but indeed it wasn’t it’s like PTSD like the fact that name was repeating in my head made me feel really bad, anxious, fear. However it might not be as intense when it first started but it’s still bothering me & it’s been like a month and 1/2, I don’t know what’s wrong with my mind it’s affecting me and my daily life trying to figure out why is the name in my head, I see a name like the person somewhere and it just instantly repeats again. The name just repeats over and over in my mind randomly I don’t know why and it’s freaking me out.

[Kimparker]

Is that OCD or I’m just crazy?