Do I have hocd or am I gay in denial????

[Helpmeeeeeeeplz]

PLEASE READ I NEED SOMEONES ADVICE

Hi, I'm a 13 year old girl and am not sure what's happening (I know I'm young for this). Here is some background story...

I have always been a girly girl, I love the colour pink, I have loved little girls toys forever, I loved being thought of as the youngest and act like a baby sometimes. For the past 3 years I have suffered from hocd (I think), and for the past couple of weeks I have been depressed with the horrifying thought that I might be gay (nothing against them). For all my life I have always gotten nervous around guys, because I was scared I would embarrass myself. I have had crushes on guys when I was younger and had no thought on girls, there was one though that I fell for and then I ended up liking him for about 5 years. Also when I was little (this may sound weird), but I maked out with the guys barbies, however I drew boobs on the girls barbies to make it all 'real'.
I then moved dance schools and found one of the guys that danced there staring at me. Instantly I thought he 'liked' me and then I have been in love with him ever since. I also caught s 16 year old guy staring at me and started liking him too. His smell is nice too.
This thought of being gay originally came to me 3 or so Years ago, because I thought that I had a deep voice for a girl and was terrified. The fear continued. I haven't always been too big on guys though but I can point out if one is hot. I haven't been attracted to girls but yet I admire some and want to be pretty like them because I'm ugly. Recently I was aroused by a girl which fired up the fear, and it is getting harder for me to get aroused by guys. It's like my brain is telling me "this is who you like stop stop stop it with the boys HAHAH!!" Now everytime I see a girl I think "am I attracted to her?! she's pretty but oh no am I gay?!??? Help help help!!!". I get really anxious about it. Then I think about intimate thoughts with the same sex (girls) and get disgusted by that, but I tingle down there. Which I have read is normal for us humans? Then I think about doing it with guys and my heart melts and I want to actually do it with one. I find it kind of disturbing (again no offence) when I think about being with a girl.

I was so concerned that the other day, I had to go to the vet because my cat needed surgery and I was still worried. I ended up thinking "do I have hocd?!? Help. What would happen if i pictured kissing the girl vet?!? Ew no I wouldn't like that!!". Days later i still thought "omg do I like her? What's wrong with you!?!?". I have dropped that situation since then though.

I have had lots of anxiety in the past too with some weird cases of OCD such as having to do something three times because if I do it four times something bad will happen.

My dad told me last year to stop dressing like a boy too. However I only wore pink clothes that little kids would wear, I didn't want to disappoint my parents in wearing something too old for me too. But now that clothing situation has passed.

i have on and off attraction for guys since this fear. I sometimes convince myself I'm straight but then I freak out thinking I need more answers. Is that normal? I cried myself to sleep the other night too if that helps? I am also trying to impress guys into liking me. Is it weird that I fall for guys because I think they like me? Do I have hocd or is this me gay in denial?

Sorry that this is really long! It took me an hour to write it whoops.

Thank you.

[Sara_MHModerator]

Please give yourself time to sort things out without rushing it.  Anxiety is normal but if it is causing you to be unable to function, please talk to your parents about finding a therapist.  We are now closing this thread and wish you the best.

***  thread closed ***

[Helpmeeeeeeeplz]

Ok so I think I have relief. I just compared the way I liked guys to the way I liked girls, guys make me happy when I think about being with one. Girls make me cringe and my mind is contemplating and stressing. I'm also not sure if falling for guys who fall for me is a sign either. Maybe I am gay and don't want to admit it. I HATE THIS OMG! I saw a picture of a girls boobs and butt and had a fight with my mind if I liked it or not, of course I told myself I did and am freaking out. I also don't get attracted to guys easily but have found myself falling for a lot of older guys
On tv over the years. I thought about having sex with my crush and I enjoyed every single moment of it. However I had a sexual dream with girls TWO nights in a row. I just think I enjoyed them AAHHH HELP. I also saw this girl at dancing and kept on thinking about her naked!?!???? AHHH. I think I liked that too but it was cringey and made my hocd (idek if it is anymore) worse. I just want to be with my crush. But I get so nervous around guys that I can't even speak to them! I got so turned on though the other day because I was talking to a guy about bras that didn't fit me and god, I was turned on because the guy liked it and I was starting something. That felt amazing. I just don't feel that with girls. Someone have anymore advice?

[Helpmeeeeeeeplz]

I get so anxious when I look at a girl

[Helpmeeeeeeeplz]

So now I have convinced myself I'm gay. I hate it. I look at girls and their boobs and it's pretty but then freak out again because I just said a girls boobs were pretty. I can't handle it anymore. I might be in denial. But when I think about my crush I just want to cuddle him because he's so cute. I also love the thought of being on a guy and stroking my hands on his abs ( when I wrote this I went into full on romance mode ). As I think back I have had lots of male crushes, but what also concerns me is when I was little, I drew the nipples on the girls barbies, but I got turned on by the guy ones and made out with the guys ones. I have always dreaming about having sex with guys. But then when I thought about it with girls, I had no reaction. A few days ago I hated it but now I'm confused. I always try to impress cute guys. But last night i tried to impress a girl at dancing, what I was thinking at the time was "my friends and I need to prove to the older ones that we can actually dance". Of course I concluded to the "omg this means I'm gay". I get so nervous around my crush and always try to impress him. I hate the thought of being with a girl, yet maybe I should just accept it. I balled my eyes out just before I wrote this and told myself I was gay a few times but when I said it I just felt hot headed and my heart fired up. I should probably just accept it. The stress is literally killing me. I hate it.

[JGF25]

I'm not a psychologist...just another OCD sufferer.  if you are asking for my opinion, then I would say this is all your OCD talking.  You mentioned having other OCD issues in the past.  OCD thoughts will come and go over time and forever depending on your stress level.  You really need to see a psychologist so you can learn to deal with them becasue stress happens all the time and you need to know how to handle the thoughts.  BTW...I had HOCD for a very short time and I was married at the time.  It went away only to be replaced by something else so learning CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is crucial for a person with OCD.  

[Helpmeeeeeeeplz]

Thank you so much for your help. Just for clarification, what do you personally think of my situation?

[JGF25]

Did you read the link I posted?

[Helpmeeeeeeeplz]

Yes I did.

[Helpmeeeeeeeplz]

Thank you for replying.

When I see my crush I kind of get butterflies. I get so nervous around him and am always trying to impress him. About the gut feeling, I'm not really sure.

Lately I have been really attracted to guys. But maybe I'm forcing this. And whenever I see a girl, my head heats up and kind of gets worried about the situation. Do I get butterflies? I don't know I'm so confused.

And no, I found the situation of saying 'I'm gay' and running off to get a girlfriend and then kiss her disturbing.

Also with the attraction, I really like guys for their personality rather than looks, which makes it hard for me to get aroused by a guy and it's easy when looking at a girl (which I read is normal). The thought of being with a guy just makes me happy. I'm honestly not sure anymore. And yes I know I'm only young for all this.

Do you think that I'm in denial? Also from my main post, does it sound like it's hocd?

Thank you.

[JGF25]

Hello there.  Here's my take on being gay.  I think it is genetic.  You are born gay or you are not.  Think about how you used to react to guys...did you have to think about it or did your body just react to a good looking guy?  I'm assuming you did from your post.  This is stuff we cannot make up...it is genetic how our bodies react.  It happens without thought.  What you are doing with the girl thing is "thinking."  You are overthinking.  You took the "she's pretty" comparison thing that EVERY girl does and ran with it to the catastrophic event of "I must be gay."  If you stood up right now and said out loud "I'm gay" would you want to run out and get a girlfriend and kiss her?  If the answer is a resounding no then you are not gay.  If your mind says "but wait...." don't listen to it.  That is just your OCD talking.  This stuff is like having a war with your own mind.  

You also seem to suffer from self esteem issues since you described yourself as ugly.  I'm sure you are not.  Remember we are who we are and we need to work with what we have.  Are we all supermodels...of course not but anybody who tries to look good, will look good.  Remember that.  Also as I tell my sons...there is somebody for everyone.  That one person that you like that doesn't like you will eventually find somebody they like that doesn't like them and so on.  

You are young and hormones may be playing a role in this as well especially if you are predisposed to OCD.  Can you talk to your parents and see if you can get into see a psychologist?  

Also here is a useful link written by a gay guy with OCD...

http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php

[Helpmeeeeeeeplz]

IM FREAKING OUT I don't know omg I'm scared

[Helpmeeeeeeeplz]

Update: it feels like when I see a picture of a girl my mind is saying "you like her you like her"  but I get disgusted and worried and it all starts again and I'm just so confused!!!!!